Not so sure anymore

[Michael Mc C]

Hello Histuff. I have to admit, part of me wishes my wife would come to this site. If not to see what I've been trying to accomplish than to get some support of her own - the "I'm thinking of leaving" thread might be a good start.

You'd think that if he wanted to make this marrige work he'd talk to me about what is on his mind instead of having to talk to "strangers" this way.

HFF's perspective could very well be that he has shared his feelings with you and told you what was on his mind. We are a hopeful, optimistic bunch here and it helps all of us to see what others have gone through, changes they have made to improve themselves and just to vent our feelings. These are things that we don't feel we can do with our spouses - which is terrible because these deeply emotional swings are exactly the type of things we WANT to be able to share.

Over the past 13 years this has always been a major issue during our disagreements.

A lack of effectiveness in communication seems to be a standard issue here. I thought I understood my wife and that I could tell when things were bothering her and that I knew what she needed. I have learned so much about the was she "ticks" over the past couple of months. I think someone needs to get our schools to start an "Effective Communicatoin is Relationships" class - maybe an offshoot of Health Class

I know this is a source of support for him, it's made him feel better, given him some suggestions, etc. So I've resigned myself to just let it go. It really doesn't matter where he gets the support i guess - i would just think that family would be better. JMHO

In my case, I would love to be able share with my wife and gain support from her. My wife says exactly the same things as you have said, however, so there is simply no way she could provide the support that I am looking for on this site - HFF probably feels the same.

As for other family members, I have learned that most friends and family, not having gone through this, are very quick to recommend the big D. We did not marry our spouses with the intention of giving up when things got tough, even if they get REALLY tough. We love our spouses and know that they, at least at one time, shared that love. We are not here to blame the spouse for marital issues or to punish our spouses. We are here to find where we've made mistakes, look for suggestions on how we can make our relationships better and, most importantly, to find how we can make ourselves better people.

As far as my reasoning for wanting to divorce - i've said it over and over again to my H that it has nothing to do with OG. The OG happened because I haven't been happy...

I believe this to be a true statement. My wife has said the same. It certainly hasn't helped though. Whether or not I agree, however, it's just not a good enough reason (and there really isn't one) for an A to occur. Rather than letting the OP to get in, wasn't there something that made you question what you were getting yourself into? My wife has told me that she had doubts, she couldn't understand why she was letting this happen when she was married to such a "great guy" (I swear, her words). It was at that point that I feel she should have stepped up and said "Listen buddy, you're about to lose me. We had better do something about this right now!" No hinting, no trying to reconnect on her own, no waiting to see if things get better in time. We're adults, we made commitments to each other and to our kids. It's time to sit us "clueless" spouses down and speak, regardless of how uncomfortable and painful it might be. Compare that to the discomfort being felt now.


Histuff - I urge you to continue posting. It might be a good idea to start your own thread. If not in this forum than in one of the many others. I am not the only one who has read your posting and thought "geez, that's exactly what my spouse has been saying/feeling". You may find that there are plenty of others on this site in exactly the same boat that YOU are in. You may not feel you need support but if you're going to be here anyway, you might as well take advantage of the experience of others. Again, I only wish my W would take a step as bold as this.

Best of luck!!