WOW! What an amazing, strong, passionate woman you are. I understand what you are feeling. I don't have the answers, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone by any means.
My W, like your H, has left me to do all of the R work. Although the DBing just started in Feb, the problem has gone on for 12 years. 12 YEARS! That is how long it has been since W gave me a personal compliment that was not solicited, since W took a moment to voluntarily give me a backrub, to sincerely look at me with interest, love, and passion. I am angry. I am pissed off! I am tired and lonely...worn down by the effort and in need of support from my partner. But this support might not come.
You know, I often wish that she would outright declare that she hates me. Even slap me in the face. I can handle anything much better than the nothing she gives me. I hate to be ignored. I hate being taken for granted, and I will no longer be taken for granted. Sure, I will be patient, non-demanding. I'll always love her. But one day I might have to choose to tell her that things cannot be this way anymore. I do not want to live forever in a house where I am not loved or respected. Heck, strangers we meet at gatherings get more attention and respect than I get as a loving S. Like you, I am strong, but not unbreakable.
I have come to realize that in the long term, for me, I have to learn how to forgive her for what she put me through, and then be ready to move forward. I know that I want to spend my life with my W like I vowed to do at my M, but I also know that I cannot live like this. Forgiveness might let me ease this pain, as long as it is true forgiveness. I'm not there yet, but I know one day I have to get there. Then, perhaps I can accept her weakness and face my own life with confidence. If I lose all of my own self respect then there is nothing left for anybody else to respect me for.
Love is strong. Commitment is firm. But there are consequenses for actions. In the passive-aggressive approach that our S's seem to be taking towards us, the operative word is aggressive. We are under attack when we are ignored, and that hurts.
After all of this rambling, I guess I just want to remind you that you have a choice. You have the power to accept things the way they are, or to tell H that current sitch is unacceptable. Divorce the old marriage and begin a new R with H. Nobody will question your effort, your strength, or your courage.
I have nothing but respect and admiration for you, and for the advice from you that I have read on other posts. You are empowered, loving, and wise, and I know you will survive this crisis and find happiness, with or without H.
Your happiness is not owned by your H (or at least that's what they try to tell me in my sitch). Hold your head high. Life is not always fair, but you are a good person. When H comes to his senses, he will realize this and beg for your attention. When that happens, you might not want or need it from him anymore.
I'll keep an eye on your thread like so many others that you have helped do.
Oooh, LostLove, you are one hurting chica, eh? gosh! You poor thing. I didn't even know! I'm not even sure what to say. I'd like to try and maybe defend your H as I'm supposed to be on the otherside. But our sitches are much much different even after you flip 'em over and look at them.
As far as your H defending the ow. Maybe he's doing that because his R with her is HIS responsibility. My H wants to write the ex-eom to tell him, like you said, that he's a bad person for "baiting" me. Truth is ex-eom didn't bait me. I am 100% responsible for opening that door, and thus 100% responsible for closing it. I'm not going to hate the guy. I'm mad at him for not exercizing enough self control to not have fallen for me. But, what kind of anger is that? It's my responsibility, and it will always be.
Your H obviously knows you're angry at him. How's he supposed to be an "open book" if he knows he's going to have to feel pain for doing what he did. He probably still feels pain (hurt, anger at you?) for having to look somewhere else to get his needs met. I know you don't want to hear that hon, it ain't right, but it's still something to think about. Of course he defends his OW. His OW loves him and only wants the best for him (guessing, I don't know). You, on the other hand are still begging and demanding he feel something other that what he feels.
Imagine H was just a friend of yours. You'd say things like, "oh, hon, I understand, I just hope for your sake and that you can find happiness and do the right thing."
The blame game would be over. Do you hear me LL???
Truly over.
How's H supposed to come back to you when you're still the same person who pushed him away?
I don't think I can count the number of times you started a line with "H" in this thread.
Your head is up his butt, and you can't see....
You have to "reel it in" and bring it home. Make a list of things you like that do not concern H and do them. Do them with vigilance. If it's going to movies, go to movies, if it's running up ridiculous phone bills, do it. Do it and smile, after all, he's doing what he wants, right?
You, my dear... need a huge, huge, hug. You need to cry for a week straight. You need to drink tea with women and take care of yourself. I know how you're hurting, only because I really want someone else to change, too ~ and unfortunately I have no control.
I am by no means a zealot, but I KNOW that *GOD* wants the very best for all of us. That's the only thing keeping me sane and somewhat fearless.
Do take care of yourself. Enlist all the homies you can find, okay? Wrap yourself in blankets of care. Cry your tears and look forward to the steely resolve about to come your way.
Charcoal -- Wow. Hell of a post. I've read lots of your stuff on the boards -- seems like you have come a LONG way in your understanding of your sitch! Please stick around and share your thoughts! I love the power of your words.
Quoting charcoal: Your H obviously knows you're angry at him. How's he supposed to be an "open book" if he knows he's going to have to feel pain for doing what he did. He probably still feels pain (hurt, anger at you?) for having to look somewhere else to get his needs met. I know you don't want to hear that hon, it ain't right, but it's still something to think about. Of course he defends his OW. His OW loves him and only wants the best for him (guessing, I don't know). You, on the other hand are still begging and demanding he feel something other that what he feels.
The above knocked my sox off. I'm going to copy these words and put them in my palm pilot so I can read them every day.
Thanks, Charcoal.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Being angry at my H would be foolish. A waste of my time. Besides I'm not angry anymore. I still hurt about OW. Sure. I think I will for a while. But I brought alot of it my way.
Take Care of you
Kip
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Just a quick hi..I don't think I really have anything to add, although as Tony said alot of us would kill to have some of what you have..I really believe you have not even begun to forgive your h...sure the past still hurts..but you have to get beyond that..your h does not sound like he was ever the kind of lovey dovey, romantic, talker that you want him to be..we don't know we're not there..but I know my h never has been, so I will have to try and look at what attracted me to him long ago..IF I get a 2nd chance..you have been given that chance for a new m...you might have to lower expectations of what it was or what you think it should be. Keep strong..you have done so much for you and you deserve it.
Man, I feel beat up, and it wasn't me you were beating on.
My 2cents
1) KIDS, when we had kids, I did not help because I did not how to take care of them. So I avoided helping with them till our second kid, nickname the wailer. My W was close to a nervous break down with her and I learn to take care of them. Trial by fire, after that I enjoyed taking care of them.
2) FEEL-I read somewhere to use "I feel" statements with your partner.
3) LOVE LANGUAGES- You mention them but you don't say what his are, and does he know yours.
4) CUSTOMERS-Tell him to get rid of the OW's cul-de-sac, NICELY And you have to find the same number of new customers for him to replace them.
5) THREAD-Have you considered printing out this thread and letting him read it. If you do, give him one week to react to it
Quote: One of the things from DR that constantly ran thru my mind while DB'ing and will continue to stay with me is the following "Is what I'm about to say going to bring me closer to or move me further away from my goal." Something to think about
Quote: if I had a key to the office I'd sneak down there at night and use his computer to see if he plans to keep her on but hide it from me... Ask for a key, tell him it will make you "feel" better, and if you did his bills, you would have access to his pc, right.
Maybe MC is in order so you have a safe place to vent.
Ihave been spending to much time here...I read of all others problems and take bits an pieces into my head and it overwhelms me...
my h when he started to come home...I was compasionate and understanding and supportave and picked him up from the "hell" he was in...
I offered understanding and consolance for the pain he caused himself by the actions he chose..
I did not push him out the door, he chose to knock on another...he was in search of a feeling...a free "friendship" with no obligation...I'm sorry that I expected to have a friend in my home not just a bread winner...I'm sorry that my h chose to be a friend to someone elses w instead..I'm sorry that while I sat at home caring for a 2year old boy and a newborn my h chose to comfort another woman through the wow's of her life..I'm sorry that my h chose to be another womans friend instead of mine...I'm sorry that my h walked out the door when my dd was 3months old...I'm sorry that I expected my h to come home after work and help out with the kids...I'm sorry that I expected a partnership...I'm sorry that I gave all I could give to h and expected at least half in return.
I'm sorry that I am mad at ow..I'm sorry that she is so needy that she befriends other men...I'm sorry that she's sick...I'm sorry that she chooses to be selfish and lie..I'm sorry that she is leaving her h...I'm sorry that I want to punch her in the face...I'm sorry that she conspired with my h to lie to me..
I'm sorry that it took for h to leave to become a good daddy, one that plays and gives baths and will let mommy take a break now and then...
I do not hate h..I hate the choice he made..I hate that he doesn't see any wrong in ow or wont at least admit it to me..I'm sorry that part of h is still in love with ow and I'm sorry that it bothers me..
I'm sorry that last night I had such an anxiety attack that I had to call h because I couldn't drive all the way home...
I'm sorry that h chooses to keep ow as a customer and those on her street...
I'm sorry I let h marry me..
I'm sorry that I want to work on the m..
I'm sorry that I want more..
I'm sorry that I want to go to a c WITH h to work through these issues and he is reluctant..
I'm sorry that the only way through to h is through despair..
I'm sorry that I made the mistake of being a good w...
and I'm sorry for becoming resentful about it...
I'm sorry that I decided to stay home and care for my kids...
I'm sorry for being insecure...
I'm sorry for wanting my h to love me..
I wont be comming round much anymore....I need a break...my h is not a bad guy he just made a foolish mistake...I'm sorry that I would like for him to face that mistake and understand it...right now he doesn't...he simply thinks it was just there w ow and that was that...I've tried to understand his a...I've tried to see my part in it wich is very hard to do...I've tried to support his place in all this..he however has not tried to see mine...I am expected to let it all go...it's all in the past...his feelings for her are irrelivant...I'm sorry that I cannot do that...
I want to move past this with h not on my own...I want a little empathy from h and when I don't get it I am angry...
yes I know many here would love to have the opportunity that I have...but sadly many here have the opportunity that I would love...to actively work out the issues with their spouse..
h will not pick up a book... h will not go to c... h will not talk about r old or current h will not talk about a h will not drop ow or her street as customers h will not ask me to put my rings on
so beat me up if you will.... cast blame on me...
funny thing is....listening to all the waw's around here spew their stories...they had it better than me but I hung in there...I kept trying..I didn't give up...and I was left for another woman...can you not see why I'd be bitter?? I was a waw who was walked away from...
it was a long road to the damaged state....I saw it comming...I knew what was leading there...I tried to address it h avoided it just as he is avoiding now...
if you want to accuse me of pushing my h away...fine...I pushed my h away by loving him too much and expecting a little love in return...
btw...h has agreed to go to c with me...think that was only because of the fear he had while I was in the midst of an anxiety attack.
