WOW! What an amazing, strong, passionate woman you are. I understand what you are feeling. I don't have the answers, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone by any means.
My W, like your H, has left me to do all of the R work. Although the DBing just started in Feb, the problem has gone on for 12 years. 12 YEARS! That is how long it has been since W gave me a personal compliment that was not solicited, since W took a moment to voluntarily give me a backrub, to sincerely look at me with interest, love, and passion. I am angry. I am pissed off! I am tired and lonely...worn down by the effort and in need of support from my partner. But this support might not come.
You know, I often wish that she would outright declare that she hates me. Even slap me in the face. I can handle anything much better than the nothing she gives me. I hate to be ignored. I hate being taken for granted, and I will no longer be taken for granted. Sure, I will be patient, non-demanding. I'll always love her. But one day I might have to choose to tell her that things cannot be this way anymore. I do not want to live forever in a house where I am not loved or respected. Heck, strangers we meet at gatherings get more attention and respect than I get as a loving S. Like you, I am strong, but not unbreakable.
I have come to realize that in the long term, for me, I have to learn how to forgive her for what she put me through, and then be ready to move forward. I know that I want to spend my life with my W like I vowed to do at my M, but I also know that I cannot live like this. Forgiveness might let me ease this pain, as long as it is true forgiveness. I'm not there yet, but I know one day I have to get there. Then, perhaps I can accept her weakness and face my own life with confidence. If I lose all of my own self respect then there is nothing left for anybody else to respect me for.
Love is strong. Commitment is firm. But there are consequenses for actions. In the passive-aggressive approach that our S's seem to be taking towards us, the operative word is aggressive. We are under attack when we are ignored, and that hurts.
After all of this rambling, I guess I just want to remind you that you have a choice. You have the power to accept things the way they are, or to tell H that current sitch is unacceptable. Divorce the old marriage and begin a new R with H. Nobody will question your effort, your strength, or your courage.
I have nothing but respect and admiration for you, and for the advice from you that I have read on other posts. You are empowered, loving, and wise, and I know you will survive this crisis and find happiness, with or without H.
Your happiness is not owned by your H (or at least that's what they try to tell me in my sitch). Hold your head high. Life is not always fair, but you are a good person. When H comes to his senses, he will realize this and beg for your attention. When that happens, you might not want or need it from him anymore.
I'll keep an eye on your thread like so many others that you have helped do.
