starting to get the sense that the way h wants to be loved is to be thought of as wonderful but left alone!!
I compliment h often (words of affirmation)
I pick up little tokens that h likes..(gifts)
I offer to do his paperwork for him (acts of service) (that among doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning, getting him a soda etc)
I thank h all the time for little things as well as big (appreciation)
I cuddle with h just to cuddle and be close, I cuddle with h to be "close" (physical affection)
I am ask to spend time with him doing fun things or doing nothing (quatily time)
I share my thoughts and fears with h.
I offer support to h when he is down from being busy...
I point out to him the possitives in how his day is going when he is feeling down about it.
tell me what other way can I show h love????
h knows very well what I want and need to feel loved...he just isn't inclined to always give it...does that stop me?? nope!! I keep going and going like that damn energizer bunny...but you know somewhere that dumb bunny has fallen over and isn't runnin anymore.
I'm sorry but I do have every right to feel resentment toward h...I know it gets me nowhere and I try to keep from going there but I get tired of making so many deposits with minimal return.
Hello! You need to follow TonyP advice. To the last detail. Take care of your man. He wants you. He's stressed by the new season be the best destressor around in every way you know how!
XOW's H in my sitch has filed for divorce!!!I called my h and told him. Ended up sobbing like an idiot. Told him I refuse to be scared and worried (yeah we all beileve me ) he said he's glad her h was smart and to quit thinking about it. He was with her while she was married and could be with her if he wanted he doesn't want to. So LL we have great awesome opportunities to DB our hearts out and reap the rewards.
Lets focus our energy & time somewhere productive!
Thanks for stopping by my thread when I asked.
Keep posting your stuff is great!
Kip
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Quote: Does he even know how you want to be loved - maybe he's trying to love you the way he wants to be loevd?
he does show me in his own way... his way... take care of car when it needs some service (it's hard for me to get there with the kiddos) make the lawn look nice (but gee is that for me or him, I don't need a perfectly manicured yard I like green grass but weeds don't bother me and I like the more natural look not the rough edged beds he does..so is that for me??) he works to provide (but I tend to think he'd work anyway..his business after all was his dream and he loves it. he tends to the kids more (but again is that me he's loving or is he simply realizing the benifit of being a good daddy?
h knows what I want and need...I've asked for what I want many times over the years..sometimes he obliges but then lags off...got the job secure now you can slack off.
h wants to forget his indiscretions and move on...
h wants to defend himself for his indiscretions and move on..
h wants to defend pitiful ow...
h is driving me insane and I foolishly allow it..
how many times can I warn h of the road we travel..
how many times can I let h know where I will head inside...
may take 10 years...may take 23 (sorry tony) but eventually unless h stops defending ow and stops hiding from me in regard to r talk then I will shut down and become a waw...
it is not something that is chosen...we've all read the books...it's about waiting and waiting and still not getting it...
I don't know when that door will close...I do not know when it will be...but I do know that if the r continues on the current path it is where we will end up.
it is not what I want..
but I cannot live life with a man who defends his ow, I cannot live life with a man who makes appologies but defends his actions...I cannot live life with a man who doesn't tell me he loves me...I cannot live life with a man who will hear my cry and know my pain and have nothing to say but "i gotta go" that everything else is more important than you and how you feel...my computer isn't working and that is more important than me discussing something with you..instead I will be angry and defensive toward you...make justifications for what it is that has caused you pain today...I will raise my voice to you...I will talk over you so that you have to raise your voice to be heard...and when you cry because you dont' know what else to do...I will say "I gotta go" when you continue to cry to me and plead for something...when you tell me where the road is leading you while I say I gotta go...I will scream out loud nothing more than a swear...I know I've caused you this pain but I've justified it in my mind...you read books and understand it too...but I will take no time to understand your pain or comfort you I will simply say to you I gotta go and then I will hang up the phone on you!!!
I know this response is going to be several post old by the time I send it, but I hope it still current enough.
Quoting lostlove: he came home??? should I throw a parade?? no the guy walked out on his wife...3 year old son and 6 month old daughter and asked for a divorce...because he was in love with some woman who was already married...that he had made the mistake of spending to much time with...
he left his wife and BABIES!!!
Each time you start traveling down this path, I get the sense your anger wants to take that mistake and turn it into a noose and put around his neck! Is this where you really want to go?
Yes, he made a mistake ... a big one, but people do make big mistakes and your H is not above that. Now here's the kicker ... It does take a better person to find the compassion to forgive a person of making such a mistake. That is part of what DBing is about.
Quoting lostlove: ...just because he does the things that a man should do I should celebrate???
YES!! YES!! YES!! YES!! YES!! ... Just because we should be doing what's right, doesn't everyone does do it. The sad truth is many do not! History is full of examples, including the Bible, and today's society seems to taken a turn for the worse. So as Michelle does say, when you catch them doing it right... yes, it is cause for celebration.
Quoting lostlove: "love is always having to say your sorry"
I don't know where it came from, but I wouldn't live by this. This statement is an expectation of a certain type of expression of love. One of many and no doubt a one common desire by the S who was wronged, but it is our partner's choice as to how they decide to show their love as it is ours to show our love. Do we have the right to demand a certain kind of love ?
Aw suchs, trouble at work force me to cut this short...
Was going to post a little while ago and bailed. Couldn't figure out what to say. Then I dropped into check on Sage's thread and kablaam! There it is, the last posting is exactly what I wanted to say. Drop in and read.
Know that you are not the only one going through these kinds of thoughts, it seems that it's far harder to keep our focus once the big scary D is out of the way. Now is the hard part, keeping focused without a crisis to motivate us.
Peace Out
Brought to you by a preadapted, preeminent analysis engine, and therein lies the root of all evil.
) he said he's glad her h was smart and to quit thinking about it. He was with her while she was married and could be with her if he wanted he doesn't want to. So LL we have great awesome opportunities to DB our hearts out and reap the rewards.