Thanks, CL, for saying this EA is more like emotional blackmail. Yes, I think at this point it mostly is. There is of course still a part of H that loves OW. So he is taking a lot of nastiness from OW also without being mad about her. I am hoping she will be very mean to him soon so the nasty side will come out.
And Lin, it's funny because I did post the question on "what if I threaten to commit suicide", not in our last conversation, but a while back (OW likes to use this threat, so this is not the first time). H did say if I am going to commit suicide unless he leaves her, he will leave her. I told him I do not use threats, why force a person back using threats? I told him that if I am serious about commiting suicide, he would not know until it is too late.
H was being super nice to me yesterday, even sitting next to me to read his book while I watch TV when he usually likes to be in the "cave". He mentioned once that he is now happier because he told me about this. I sense there is a general letting down of guards. Before he accused me of following him around (sometimes, yes, in general, no) and there is always tension between us on how to behave. Now he seems much more relaxed around me. I am also trying to not mention anything R or A related in front of him. It is good when I can push the thoughts of A out, not good when I cannot.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Journaling a bit to get my emotions out. H is still in contact with OW. The contact is only done at work now with phone calls and such. So I know nothing about the frequency. I do know it is not everyday. There are no signs that H has any intention to get back to her. And since she has not committed suicide, I doubt that would happen now.
On the home front, H is being a family man. He puts the kids to bed every night, even when he is tired from work. He is working to care more for my everyday feelings. From an outside looking in, we are just a great couple.
At this point, I wonder if it makes sense to ask him to study this A. It is necessary for me to understand why he did this, how it started, and (may be) if there is anything we can do together to make this not happen again. Most books say I need to wait till contact is cut completely. Which I know in my case will take a year, if not more. Do I wait? Will I wait? I don't know. I have "Not Just Friends", "How Can I Forgive you" still in the box, unopened. I told H since I ordered them before when I thought he has cut off contact. But at this point, there is no reason to read them. To which H replied, "I don't mind reading them". Would it be beneficial to have H read the books? I especially want us to read "Not just Friends" because I think that is the reason he has A.
H thinks we should just get back to "normal life". I cannot until I know all the answers. Thoughts of "forget it, just D so I can have a happy life, rather than being miserable and thinking about you calling her." are in my head quite often. I think I am relying on him for happiness again. H thinks he is being super nice to me already by listening to my "nonsense". He thinks he is committed enough that I should be super happy. And that I should get off my soapbox and start working on my career (I quit when he moved for his company)
I guess the bottomline is H wants me to just "get over it". I am having lots of trouble in "getting over it". He wants me to "leave him alone" even he still calls OW but "it will end". I cannot bear the fact that he is still calling her. Looking from OW's point, H should be looking like a terrible person. why she still talks to him is a mystery.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
I just wanted to chime in here and say I understand your sitch. I don't know how to post a link to my thread but its on here.
I am 12 weeks pregnant with my exh's baby. We are trying to work things out, he doesn't live here yet, but is around alot. I know through snooping that he still has contact with OW. I don't know if they actually see eachother or not, but it's very personal on her part (I miss you, Im devastated) and he actually texts her first sometimes to see how she is. He doesn't know I know and without revealing how I know I can't confront real easily.
I would love to hear your opinion on my sitch if you could.
Reading yours, my first thought is if her H is so committed to working this out with you why does he feel the need to even have any contact with OW? Is it ego stroking?
Good luck.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I don't know why H has to keep in contact either. My H has a responsible character so may be he feels that he is responsible and he has to make sure she is OK after all that happened. H also told me he has never in his life dumped anybody. So this is a first for him. I think he does not want to hurt her more by telling her not to call him ever again.
My biggest thing is actually the fact that he is still omitting this part of life with me. I am OK with no details, but H tells me everything that happens during the day, EXCEPT anything regarding OW. To me, that's lying. I am very honest and open person so this is unacceptable.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Your husband said months ago, "its just one month. then it will be over".
It's not over, is it?
Are you content to live with this continuing, for the rest of your life?
Sounds like this is something you need to decide.
Why is it more important to him, to "not hurt her", yet continue to hurt you? You should ask him this, i'd say. Also mention that hiding his relationship with her, does not avoid hurting you. It hurts you worse than it already is. Hiding it, makes it more blatantly like an affair, yeah?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Thinking that H is not a perfect human, I can see why he feels he cannot just "dump" her once again, after all the crisis she went through (not condoning that she brought much of it on herself, but still). But yes, Dom, he is still hurting me by "not hurting her too much". He IS doing everything else trying to please me. Without this contact, my H would be the "perfect husband". In fact, most friends see us now in public, displaying our affection to each other, they are all in awe in how we are keeping our love for so long (friends do not know about the A). He is considerate in every other way. Just this part he is not telling me. I asked him, and he said "Pleae leave me alone. I will take care of this." He is taking care of it his way, by letting it die slowly. Like letting a camp fire slowly dies out. Not the way I want it. My question to myself is, "Am I OK with letting it die out slowly, which I believe will happen, or do I push again and risk losing it all. Do I accept that this is a shortcoming of H being sensitive to OW's feelings, which in a sense not make him a cold blooded person, OR do I push him to do what he cannot do?" Still debating.
are you guys going to C? seems like other than the contact with the op he's doing all he can. Perhaps a third person will help your H see that your misgivings are valid. Even my H told me "you can tell me all you want about how you feel, but sometimes I just dont' understand unless we have someone (like C) to tell me that".
My H also told me he never dumped someone so that's he's feeling so bad about it, and I did tell him "it's either her feelings or my feelings that get hurt, you choose".
About the A, if you guys are now in a safe place, he should be able to tell you stuff about the A. How much? that part is tricky, somethings are better left unsaid. My C suggested to ask questions that will bring healing.
============ Would it be beneficial to have H read the books? ============= The "not just friends" book has chapters about the problems you are having,read them with him, maybe thenhe'll understand that he ows you some answers and that contact with the op should be cut altogether.
I see more positive signs than negatives in your sitch. On the other hand, look at my sitch: my H will tell (in a letter) ow that it's over, please dont contact me. But... big but, he doesnt' have loving feelings towards me, we sleep separately and don't feel rigth with one another for the time being. I think your M has gone very very far and that this prob can be solved,don't loose heart))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
THANKS, cat. We are not going to C. We did at the beginning, but H stopped later. (That's when he is starting to realize how much he was hurting me and started the slow process to end it with OW. Of course, that didn't work he eventually moved out for a few weeks to truly see the light and truly decide to end the R and came back to me. But the contact is still there, as you know). He feels very uncomfortable seeing C. He never expresses his feelings to anyone except me. Not even his mom or siblings. So I don't think I can push him to see C again.
I have "Not Just Friends". It's still unopened in the box. I wonder with the contact still on, if there is any point in having him read it. he said he would, but I told him we are not working on our M until he cuts all contact. In reality, we are both working on our M and it is working, except for this D#$N contact issue. May be I will find an opportunity to open it and see if he will read it. I think that book will explain to him why A happened. He's been very busy at work and work is his priority so I need to wait anyway for a better time.
I feel like we are just running at the same spot for a few months already. My hurt is not going away though I don't know if he knows that. I told him "I know you are trying your best. And you are doing great. But it's like I need bread and meat to survive, and you keep offering me tons of delicious dessert. The desserts are great and wonderful, but I need the meat and bread." My childhood was nice and good, unlike his troubled childhood. He said I am "spoiled". He did not tell me but I guess he thinks I am asking for too much and does not have a soul to consider OW's feelings. For me, of course I may not care for OW, but logically speaking, trying to think for OW, I think it is way better for him to cut the contact so she can move on with her life, and that's for her own good.
THANKS, cat. We are not going to C. We did at the beginning, but H stopped later. (That's when he is starting to realize how much he was hurting me and started the slow process to end it with OW. Of course, that didn't work he eventually moved out for a few weeks to truly see the light and truly decide to end the R and came back to me. But the contact is still there, as you know). He feels very uncomfortable seeing C. He never expresses his feelings to anyone except me. Not even his mom or siblings. So I don't think I can push him to see C again.
I have "Not Just Friends". It's still unopened in the box. I wonder with the contact still on, if there is any point in having him read it. he said he would, but I told him we are not working on our M until he cuts all contact. In reality, we are both working on our M and it is working, except for this D#$N contact issue. May be I will find an opportunity to open it and see if he will read it. I think that book will explain to him why A happened. He's been very busy at work and work is his priority so I need to wait anyway for a better time.
I feel like we are just running at the same spot for a few months already. My hurt is not going away though I don't know if he knows that. I told him "I know you are trying your best. And you are doing great. But it's like I need bread and meat to survive, and you keep offering me tons of delicious dessert. The desserts are great and wonderful, but I need the meat and bread." My childhood was nice and good, unlike his troubled childhood. He said I am "spoiled". He did not tell me but I guess he thinks I am asking for too much and does not have a soul to consider OW's feelings. For me, of course I may not care for OW, but logically speaking, trying to think for OW, I think it is way better for him to cut the contact so she can move on with her life, and that's for her own good.
I have not posted for a long time. Time to journal a bit and post an update.
We have moved back home from overseas for 5 months now. Things are going well, H is very dedicated to the family, doing lots of things with us, connecting with old friends, family. I was reading MLC board and realize that when one of the things MLCers do when they are on the way back is to connect with old friends. He is also trying to find opportunities to introduce me to his professional contacts, which is good. Now the connecting with the spouse will come at the very last. He is being nice to me. However, the contact with OW is still on (phone/email/txt though he said he shows indifference when he talks to her)
Here's the big news. We are moving again!!! Here's the details. One of the things that H promised me is to quit the old company so he won't ever have to travel there again. H has been looking for work which is not easy. He found a very promising position but it is far from home again. I feel very bad about this choice. Career wise it is a great opportunity, however, after coming home this time and seeing old friends/family, I really miss them and I want to stay. Plus, I have much more support here and I know I can go somewhere in my career (I did not work when we were overseas). I have also started school and quitting that would be tough. And then of course, there is the continual OW contact.
I told H that I will not move unless he can cut off all contact. He promised to do that. I told him I need proof. Well, he did nto give me any proof. He refused. He did tell me he stopped for 3 weeks. But afterwards I think he started again. I was very, very upset. We had a big argument and he said I can move whenever I am ready. He was VERY MAD. I didn't know what to do. H continues to be nice, and I can tell that the contact has decreased somemore. So he is progressing but not as fast as I want, and definitely not soon enough for me to move. Then (fortunately???) I found a thread in the MLC board. Basically these MLCers go back and forth and at piecing, I just need TONS of patience, PLUS MORE!!! In fact, i found one thread that said the OW contact continued for a while. After reading that, I realize I really need to give him time. I figure I have invested all these into this M, I will invest more. If it turns out it is not to be, of well, so be it. So I told H that I have decided to move. Now the mad rush is on to move in Jan.
H continues to be very nice. He is out of town now. He calls whenever he can. I have no idea if he contacts OW. He probably does. I have a bad feeling that OW may just show up at the company doorstep waiting for him. I did joking remind him that he does not want to ruin his reputation by having her show up. He laughed and said he is not THAT desirable for her to fly over to meet him.
So now H is gone, I am by myself with thekids. I have my ups and downs most days, but only show the good side to H. It actually is a good feeling once I made up my mind to go. Now regardless of what H is still doing (which can only be phone calls and emails), I will go. Of course, if she shows up and they start again, I would really hope that H will tell me. Right before he left, I asked him not to lie to me anymore. He promised, which is a difficult thing for him to say because he didn't want to promise what he cannot deliver. Of course, with a MLCer, that promise can be a big lie in itself. But I do think if he starts up with OW again, he will let me know. (I told him don't waste my time moving if he is starting with OW. and he agrees wholeheartedly)
I really don't know how long I can wait for him to cut off all contacts. On the one hand, to see that he is making progress all the time is good. On the other hand, I wonder if it is like a drug addict where one temptation and he will be back to square one. I am glad that I found the MLC board and read something there to fill up my patience tank.
Meanwhile, life is so busy here with school and childcare and organizing for moving. I hate to think that I will miss my friends/family again. Many friends say I am a saint (without knowing about the A) for just moving with him wherever. Ha ha, I have to agree on that one.
