ah! it is my seeing the pit and paying it too much attention...h knows the pit is there but tries not to see it and perhaps that is naive, perhaps that is just my thought. I know the pit is there...I know there is more out there too...I don't want to be trapped in the field feeling threatend by the pit...I want to know what's in the pit and not fear it...I want to see what is on the other side of the pit as well...I know how to build my own bridge...but I don't want to travel out there alone? perhaps I could build a stronger bridge with h...but again am faced with the question of does h see the pit...does h feel the desire to move beyond the field and if so with me??
we can each build our own bridge and come and go from the field as we wish...but when we return from our own journey will we see the field the same and be able to appreciate it together?
can we together build a strong bridge that enables us safely to pass together while keeping our field a sanctuary for ourselves.
what the hell am I talking about???
maybe h is right...maybe I am too physchological, to analytical, to philosophical...maybe h doesn't even know there is a field or a pit or another side..maybe h just lives in this world while I seek for more.
you are trying desperately to get back to that fantasy you used to have about being "safe" in the relationship. I know it was a comforting feeling, but it wasn't based in reality. The reality is, there are no guarantees in life. And it is the people who are willing to take risks who end up with the richest lives.
Please let go of all this. The reassurances you want will come in time, but not if you keep obsessing like this. The guy who taught me to ride a motorcycle told me "Don't look where you don't want to go!". Only look toward the happy future you want to have, LL. Quit looking into that pit or you WILL fall in.
BTW - give your H some more kudos for tossing that phone out the window, will you?
LL -- Last week H. told me that I was too analytical -- always looking for "the answer" while he was able to let "things be". I too have been peering into the pit and looking for ways to get over or around it -- ending up stuck by the depth of it all.
I'm making a conscious decision to move "away from the pit" . I'm not sure how just yet but I know I have to do it if I'm going to feel healthy -- in this M. or out of it.
Ellie -- if you see this -- can you share some ways that you stopped feeling the need for "the fantasy of being safe" in a R?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I don't want the old r...I didn't like the old r...it's actually surprising to me that h was the one to have the a and leave as I feel it should have and probably eventually would have been me.
I want to move on to a better r and obviously it would be best to do that with the man I married, had children with and built a home with.
the only reason I felt "safe" in the r before all this was becuase I believed my h to be an honest man. I had begun to accept that he wouldn't be around much..that he wouldn't spend much time with me...that I wouldn't have a friend in him...that basically I'd just live the nice life and h did what he wanted to do...work, sleep, watch football...
that illusionary world that I didn't like anyway crumbled when I learned that h was not an honest man...that h infact did want more out of life than to just work and watch football that he just didn't want it with me...
h returned yes, h has said and done some of the right things yes, but somethings are still missing...maybe they are not able to be or maybe they just aren't there yet..I don't know.
I have no fear of h leaving...I managed while he was gone for six months and actually found it liberating...then I had plenty of me time while he came to visit the kids...if h leaves again I know I'll be just fine without him.
what I fear is the unkown of a r with h...it truly has been a long time since we've had a real r...h has simply been going through the motions for so long that I don't know him anymore and often wonder if I ever did.
there are times when I feel like h is here and I like it...I smile when he tells me a simple story from his day...
there are other times when I don't feel like h is here and I wonder why...would it be so hard for him to simply say...I'm beat...I had a tough day...x,y and z just wore me out. but on those days he says nothing and I feel tension, a brick being placed back in the wall we are trying to bring down.
h has never really been very open with me...maybe he just isn't an open person...h claims I want to be in his head...no I'd just like to have a clue is all.
I guess I need another crumb....I need some more words...the phone was a wonderfull gesture...but I'm sorry I need a word or two, a hug, and I think at this point a few ily's once in a while would be in order.
Hi. Thanks for posting on my thread. Your insight is right on target!
Also wanted to let you know that you are not alone about having some fears of the unknown in the new R. I think it's something we all have and need to keep working on.
Quote: BTW - give your H some more kudos for tossing that phone out the window, will you?
Ellie
ok! ok! ok!
I just said to h....
I want to thank you again for throwing that phone out the window...it meant a lot to me that you did that...I just didn't know what to say or how to react.
h said...I didn't do it for a reaction..
I said I know but it did mean something to me and I want to thank you..
Is he always this full of b.s.? He pulls the dramatic move of the month and he didn't do it for the reaction? Well, maybe what he means is that he really meant it, was letting go, and it was for him, not just for you. Okay. I still like him. Ellie
Hi..I know the feeling about the r..I am not even with h, but I wonder sometimes if I really know him..can we possibly ever get back together after him having to have his freedom..so many unsure thoughts..time is making a difference..look at where you were a month or two ago..take each day slowww..your h may never be able to open up and talk the way you want him to, so find the way that he can communicate, if that is possible!!!
You're very sweet to send me a hug over at my place. Much appreciated, for sure!
Now about your main brain being "on" and active -- it's a good thing! I LOVE your musings about "the pit."
But maybe H can't keep up with so much mentality? Not to insult him, it could just be a guy thing...
Can you find a way to enjoy his ... um ... guy simplicity?
God knows how I think I can give advice today, I'm pretty much a mess of stress, so please forgive if it sounds like I'm H-bashing. Don't mean to.
It's just that I relate so much to enjoying my own mind's analytical bent, I understand how you ache to be acknowledged.
Something that stayed with me from Michele's seminar (I attended last year in Palatine) was her talking about how men's and women's brains work differently -- physiologically, women have a larger corpus callosum -- the bridge between R and L hemispheres -- we're wired differently -- women therefore can more rapidly jump between logical/emotional sides of their brains.
Guys have other things they're faster at. It's not "who's better" -- but we really aren't the same, brainiacally.
Michele said "maybe he's not ignoring you, maybe he's just taking longer to process what you said."
I think about that a lot, remembering how mad at my H I used to get when he wouldn't respond right away. I usually lobbed several ideas his way at once. He could usually only reply (and this after some thought) to just one. The jerk! I thought.
So I'd get angry and huffy and naggy ... and he was often bewildered.
(Come to think of it, it was this way with ALL my boyfriends, too...)
Later on, with piled-up stresses, H just began to stonewall me. You wanna see REALLY mad? Stonewall Bridget!
And that's how we got into our mess.
But enough about me.
You sound good, I hope your day is going well. Take care, and thanks again for your support.
. I'm not sure how just yet but I know I have to do it if I'm going to feel healthy -- in this M. or out of it.