I don't want the old r...I didn't like the old r...it's actually surprising to me that h was the one to have the a and leave as I feel it should have and probably eventually would have been me.
I want to move on to a better r and obviously it would be best to do that with the man I married, had children with and built a home with.
the only reason I felt "safe" in the r before all this was becuase I believed my h to be an honest man. I had begun to accept that he wouldn't be around much..that he wouldn't spend much time with me...that I wouldn't have a friend in him...that basically I'd just live the nice life and h did what he wanted to do...work, sleep, watch football...
that illusionary world that I didn't like anyway crumbled when I learned that h was not an honest man...that h infact did want more out of life than to just work and watch football that he just didn't want it with me...
h returned yes, h has said and done some of the right things yes, but somethings are still missing...maybe they are not able to be or maybe they just aren't there yet..I don't know.
I have no fear of h leaving...I managed while he was gone for six months and actually found it liberating...then I had plenty of me time while he came to visit the kids...if h leaves again I know I'll be just fine without him.
what I fear is the unkown of a r with h...it truly has been a long time since we've had a real r...h has simply been going through the motions for so long that I don't know him anymore and often wonder if I ever did.
there are times when I feel like h is here and I like it...I smile when he tells me a simple story from his day...
there are other times when I don't feel like h is here and I wonder why...would it be so hard for him to simply say...I'm beat...I had a tough day...x,y and z just wore me out. but on those days he says nothing and I feel tension, a brick being placed back in the wall we are trying to bring down.
h has never really been very open with me...maybe he just isn't an open person...h claims I want to be in his head...no I'd just like to have a clue is all.
I guess I need another crumb....I need some more words...the phone was a wonderfull gesture...but I'm sorry I need a word or two, a hug, and I think at this point a few ily's once in a while would be in order.
