you are trying desperately to get back to that fantasy you used to have about being "safe" in the relationship. I know it was a comforting feeling, but it wasn't based in reality. The reality is, there are no guarantees in life. And it is the people who are willing to take risks who end up with the richest lives.
Please let go of all this. The reassurances you want will come in time, but not if you keep obsessing like this. The guy who taught me to ride a motorcycle told me "Don't look where you don't want to go!". Only look toward the happy future you want to have, LL. Quit looking into that pit or you WILL fall in.
BTW - give your H some more kudos for tossing that phone out the window, will you?
