I am useless at linking my threads - still haven't worked out how!!!!
My sitch was that my H had an 18 month A with one of his employees. He never left home. Our M hadn't been good for a while - we seemed to have grown apart with havnig had 4 kids and me becoming a stay at home mum. I didn't know it had got as bad as it had but was suffering from depression.I think I was also getting restless as the children didn't seem to need me as much.
I had started getting C a couple of times but backed off as I didn't feel I was up for opening up and then finally in a bid to sort out my M I went to see a psychiatrist to get a referral to see a clinical psychologist to do some cognitive behavioural therapy. Through that I ended up writing my H a letter and telling him how much I missed him and being close to him. I really opened up and told him lots of things I had never said to him. He took three days to respond and when he did told me he had been having the A for the last 18 months. He had been away working in Ireland on and off and it had been the member of staff he took over there with him that it had been going on with. I never suspected a thing - his father had done the same to his mother and as he was so upset when that happened I thought he would never do that to me. His parents D'd over it.
He told me that on 4th July 2006. We were going away on 20th July for a family holiday and then on 19th Sept just he and I were booked to go away to Marrakech for our 20th Wedding anniversary. I was so shocked. He initially wanted to go on our family holiday and then continue living in a M'd way with me until after our anniversary celebrations but STILL see OW and then decide what to do. I made it easy for him and tried to commit suicide - unfortunately my kids saw all this, ( at the time they were 15,13,11 and 8).
My psychiatrist told my H that he couldn't leave me hanging in limbo. I was doped up to the nines and we had a week of hell. At the end of the week OW was gone and never set foot in our Co. again and H totally recommitted.
I spent the best part of a year drugged up and then decided to get off all the meds at they were stopping me moving on.
I found this site and the books as I had messive issues surrounding the OW. She was living in my head all the time - I thought about her constantly whilst my H never did - pretty stupid eh? Thing was she had pursued my H very single mindedly. She left her H AND her children expecting my H to kick me out and then she would just move in and become mum to my kids
My H said that he had never thought threw how it would work and did know deep down she wasn't for him. He knew, he now says, as soon as he had my letter telling him how much I loved him he wanted to be with me but didn't know how to get rid of OW and the mess he had created. He got involved with her because he thought I didn't want him anymore. What was so sad was we had lain next to each other for the last four / five years yearning to get affection from each other but both thinking the other wasn't interested!!!!
These boards and the people I have met on here have helped me move on SO much. I am off all the AD's and moving on. I have come to accept that it is OK to dislike OW and that I always will but that she was a symptom of our problems NOT the cause. I still don't know what I would do if I met her though. I keep tabs on her and know where she works etc. I could stuff her up if I really wanted to but I am happy to sit back and watch her do it to herself - she will; I have no doubts.
I stay on here because I have made friends and I like to help others if I can. My M is in pretty good shape. H is very supportive and I am lucky that I live a good life. I stay at home and play with my horses and see to my kids. I am trying to decide what to do next though as my youngest is in year 5 and so in 20 months or so will go to secondary school. I think then I will want to work again. I have done all the school governor stuff, charity work, fund raising etc and want more of a challenge. I am thinking about going back to university again and taking another degree and possibly then a doctorate. I am too out of touch with my professional grounding, (Tax Consultant), and to be honest I don't really enjoy it.
Anyways - as that was a long post I will stop now.
I am glad that you managed to talk to your children and it is good that your W is being pleasant. I think being pleasant back but minimising contact with your W is a good idea. Her OM does not sound like good long term material.
Keep working on that PMA.
My current thread is more of a playground!!!! It's called saffie's sandbox - extension ? I think it is extension 9 at the moment but it has been quiet lately as I have been posting on others in my 'group's' threads. Join us - Yoyo, husband, sara, morgan, lwb, ohio-mark etc are all great fun. Click on my name and see who I am posting to and join in. We are all at different stages and they are such a supportive group.
Take care
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I am sorry to hear everything that has happened to you but am extremely happy for you that it all worked out and you have a good marriage now. I think DB'ing is about doing what works for you personally and the letter did for you.
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My H said that he had never thought threw how it would work and did know deep down she wasn't for him. He knew, he now says, as soon as he had my letter telling him how much I loved him he wanted to be with me but didn't know how to get rid of OW and the mess he had created.
I would love the opportunity to hear these words.
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I have come to accept that it is OK to dislike OW and that I always will but that she was a symptom of our problems NOT the cause.
I hate the OM too but have not shouted or screamed at him or harmed him even when my wife baited me to. I do not understand my reaction to losing my wife and children and it haunts me to think that I did not fight for her when I had the chance. I feel like I was a wimp and that was one of the reasons she left.
I have suffered from depression, low self esteem, lack of confidence, motivation, etc. However, since DB'ing, my confidence and self esteem are getting much better. My motivation is improving and I am trying to keep positive.
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Her OM does not sound like good long term material.
I have suffered from depression, low self esteem, lack of confidence, motivation, etc.
These are all such hard things to cope with and really do help a R go into a decline. Being able to change these out looks will make a huge difference for you.
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I hate the OM too but have not shouted or screamed at him or harmed him even when my wife baited me to.
It's better not too in the long run - I always came away feeling I had belittled myself.
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I do not understand my reaction to losing my wife and children and it haunts me to think that I did not fight for her when I had the chance. I feel like I was a wimp and that was one of the reasons she left.
I imagine you were in shock. Now though is the time when you can rectify all that.
Keep up that PMA and working on GAL and she will see you for the man she married again. Hopefully you will begin to see the 'old' W returning as well.
I hope you are doing OK today
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Doing o.k. today. Trying to keep busy at work to keep my mind off things. I may of said that I am doing mortgages in Texas and it is slow economically and because we are coming into the holidays as they say over here. This means I am not earning anything right now until I get some loans and they close.
Also trying to look for another job but that takes time. I think that Christmas is going to be bad for me unless something changes soon.
However, keeping my PMA up and as do not have much money, trying to GAL when it is free which is reading self help stuff mainly to improve myself.
If you know of any internet sites on affairs or anything related to self imporvement, I would be very grateful if you could please let me know.
try getting books out of the library on Cognitive behavioural Therapy. It is an area that has really helped me along with the books 'Learned Optimism' and 'Authentic Happinness' - both by Martin Seligman.
There is a site called marriagebuilders.com that a lot of people on here refer to. I haven't been on there but it may be worth a look.
There are also some other good books such as 'Just Good Friends' and the '5 Languages of Love'.
Morgan on her thread also talked about a book called 'Crucial Conversations' that she thought was very good. If you read the blurb on amazon about it you will see that it covers lots of different situations - business / career and relationship areas.
I would think your library would have most of those in.
I am sorry that you can see such a lean period ahead of you. Could you not try other areas of work for just a temporary time? In the run up to Christmas the retail sector normally has lots of positions going.
You take care and focus on that PMA
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
If you know of any internet sites on affairs or anything related to self imporvement, I would be very grateful if you could please let me know.
Foo, I understand your need to know the dynamics of affairs but for your own good do not spend too much time on it. Your focus should lie in more important matters.
I am going to share my thoughts on the situation and then offer some possible ideas.
1. First of all, I love your online name. Purpose in your heart to live up to it: you are a fighter. A Kung-Fu fighter. A Shaolin monk. Brave, determined, wise and dangerous.
2. It sounds like you have suffered from low self-esteem and depression for some time now. It makes you less attractive to your wife. She doesn't want to have to be your mother and wife. She sees you as weak and sad.
3. The OM represents a strong, take-charge, alpha-male that she feels she can trust. She believes he is strong She's even willing to let him beat your children. This doesn't mean he is strong. He's been through 4 wives already. He's probably charismatic and pushes her attraction buttons, but fundamentally, he's immoral and a loser. He's not strong. He's scum-bag.
4. Financial security is important to your wife. He seems to offer it to her.
5. Your wife had no legal right to move out your children and belongings from the family home. She can't take your kids from you.
OK....I'm a little gun-shy at giving advice. But here goes:
1. Get a full-time, stable job. This is necessary so you can have a home and it will help your self-esteem. It will also show your wife you can be a man of action.
2. As you know, GAL. See what's free. Physical excercize helps with mood, self-esteem and depression. Easier said than done.
3. Connect with a good church. Find one that's theologically conservative. Explain your situation to the minister. Perhaps members of the church can help you out. You are isolated and fighting for your family -- you need help. You need a team and other people. You need God.
4. If you can get a book, read Authentic Happpiness by Siegelman. Do all the excercizes online. It'll help snap you out of depression.
5. Consult with a family/divorce lawyer. This is imperative. Tell him/her you want to save your marriage, but want to know what your rights are, especally with your children.
6. Time to find the warrior within you. Become the Shaolin monk, become the Samurai. One good online resource is the free newsletter at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Email me: theoden (dot) king (at) hotmail (dot) com. (The reason I'm not writing out the email address is that this site is searchable on Goggle.)
I'll send you a free e-book on this.
7. Save yourself, you might save your marriage.
8. Regarding your kids, they do not need to be raised by a 4 times divorced, scum bag who is f*cking your wife. Get into their lives. See them at least on weekends and one night a week. Their whole world was just shattered. Don't stand there and let it happen. They were kidnapped by your crazy wife and a rogue thief.
Thanks very much for your reply. I will e-mail you.
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1. First of all, I love your online name. Purpose in your heart to live up to it: you are a fighter. A Kung-Fu fighter. A Shaolin monk. Brave, determined, wise and dangerous.
Thanks. My understanding is that foo fighters were the military planes that chased UFO's that appeared on radar. Foo for UFO. This one of my interests so not exactly your definition but I suppose brave, determined and dangerous!
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2. It sounds like you have suffered from low self-esteem and depression for some time now. It makes you less attractive to your wife. She doesn't want to have to be your mother and wife. She sees you as weak and sad.
Yes you are right. She realized she could not provide me with what I needed. She could not fix it and in the end gave up. It is ridiculus that I saw this in our marriage but did nothing about it. Now I understand more what I was and did and know how to change it.
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3. The OM represents a strong, take-charge, alpha-male that she feels she can trust. She believes he is strong She's even willing to let him beat your children. This doesn't mean he is strong. He's been through 4 wives already. He's probably charismatic and pushes her attraction buttons, but fundamentally, he's immoral and a loser. He's not strong. He's scum-bag.
Word! I would not say he is charismatic and the WAW said that he is not much of a talker or does anything interesting. However, I think is a take charge kind of guy, kind and generous and she needed security, someone to help her and lead her as she would not be able to do all this on her own.
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5. Your wife had no legal right to move out your children and belongings from the family home. She can't take your kids from you.
I need legal advice. However, in Texas even though I called the police when they were taking furniture and belongings, they could not do anything on civil matters and all I know is that it is a community property state and assets are 50/50 but not 90/10 which is more like she took.
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Get a full-time, stable job. This is necessary so you can have a home and it will help your self-esteem. It will also show your wife you can be a man of action.
I agree and am looking. I need one urgently.
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Connect with a good church. Find one that's theologically conservative. Explain your situation to the minister. Perhaps members of the church can help you out. You are isolated and fighting for your family -- you need help. You need a team and other people. You need God.
I have been going to church for the last 6 weeks and it does help me very much. I pray everyday too.
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If you can get a book, read Authentic Happpiness by Siegelman. Do all the excercizes online. It'll help snap you out of depression.
Saffie recommended this. I will get.
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Consult with a family/divorce lawyer. This is imperative. Tell him/her you want to save your marriage, but want to know what your rights are, especally with your children.
Yes just trying to get the free legal representation sorted out. I have been told by a lawyer that I know who has done some family law but is not an expert, that the courts do not like children around OM's and I could get a restraining order against OM. WAW would have to move out with children. She would not be able to afford this though and I do not have a place for them with me at the moment.
Hence I need a good steady job so that I can take the children if this becomes an option.
WAW says she will not divorce me until I have a steady job so that I can pay child support as she does not want me to go to jail for non payment. Nice uh!
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Time to find the warrior within you. Become the Shaolin monk, become the Samurai. One good online resource is the free newsletter at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Email me: theoden (dot) king (at) hotmail (dot) com. (The reason I'm not writing out the email address is that this site is searchable on Goggle.)
I'll send you a free e-book on this.
I will e-mail you. Thanks for this. I am interested to see what all this is about.
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Save yourself, you might save your marriage.
It will certainly give me more of a chance but if we do not reconcile, I will be the best I can for someone else later on.
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Regarding your kids, they do not need to be raised by a 4 times divorced, scum bag who is f*cking your wife. Get into their lives. See them at least on weekends and one night a week. Their whole world was just shattered. Don't stand there and let it happen. They were kidnapped by your crazy wife and a rogue thief.
That is not very gun shy about the OM f'ing my wife theoden . I do see the kids at weekends, I just can not have them overnight at the moment which is why I need the steady job.
