This has become quite a charged discussion and it makes for great growth because we can all see different points of view. I would like to add a few comments of my own (to stir the pot) as follows;
First and foremost, I see that many are telling Mark to stop being angry...just as someone has so aptly stated, we do not know what is going on in the mind of the WAS, I will point out that none of us know exactly where Mark is coming from or what his motives are. We might be wise to read our own words and advice from time to time (myself included). Point is this, I see that Mark is reacting more to the various criticisms and voices of control (do this, don't do that) than he is to the actions of his wife. It seems that some of you are quick to jump on him for being angry and/or upset BUT I would like to remind each of you of a couple of key points (from my perspective)...
1) this board is a haven for us and, as I have stated before, this is our place to vent, cry, berrate, etc. If coming and venting here prevents us from lashing out at our spouse or children, then by all means come and be angry, chastise, berrate, yell, whatever 2) the five steps of grieving a trauma are as follows...shock, denial, ANGER, depression, acceptance 3) we have all gone through the stages and I know some of you have been angry and come here to vent so let's not be too quick to jump all over him
Maybe we should all be looking to encourage Mark and help him see the errors in his ways in a positive way, rather than telling him what to do in such a judgemental manner.
That said....
Mark, I realize that you may not have had intentions of placing your D in the middle but here is the way most will see it...by having your D ask your W, you put your W in a tough position because if she says no, she looks like a bad guy to your D. So in essence, you've indirectly blackmailed her into giving in to what you want. Next time, you might consider talking to W first before even mentioning it to D OR, you could tell D that you will talk to Mom about it...then if W says no, you can simply state that "Mommy and Daddy decided it wouldn't be best this time but maybe another time."
Point is, what makes divorce difficult for kids is the lack of security, safety, stability and boundaries...this is created by virtue of the fact that everything they've ever known and relied upon, has been ripped apart. Now, they don't know what they can rely on in life. They lose the feeling of safety and security. Show them that Mom and Dad are one and that they are both still bound together as parents, ragardless of where they live or who they are with - that way, your kids will be secure in knowing the one thing that is most important, will never change. Mom and Dad are there to provide for, love and care for them together; no matter what.
Always remember, decisions are made by both of you together, and that you present them as a unified front. That is the best thing you can do for your kids (IMHO).
As for the financial thing....I am sure your wife left because she felt she lost trust and could not count on you; not because she was looking for a meal ticket. That said, I'd like to point out that marriage vows traditionally state, "through thick and thin, for better or worse, for richer or poorer". While it may not be about being richer or poorer, she did agree to stay with you through it all and to be by your side no matter what. So, when things fell apart financially, what did SHE do to try and solve the problem, to lighten your load, to help you? It was the responsiblity of both of you, not just you. Things went bad...sometimes they do....sometimes it's outside of our control...hell, Donald Trump has been broke! Point is, try to stop beating yourself up and taking all the blame...it took both of you for this thing to fail. Just as you have supported her in the past, where was she when you needed her support?
Sorry for your pain Mark...I know it's hard but please don't make it worse by blaming yourself. Understand where you failed and find ways to improve yourself, but don't think you did this alone!
