Here's another ((((((((((((((((( hug )))))))))))))))))))) your way from a woman who also felt she was carrying a big bag of rocks around -- can't we just SOLVE this once and for all and go back to being loving?
Geez. I guess not.
Lately I've been reading a wonderful book by Aaron Beck, a cognitive therapist whose ideas are in line with Michele's -- "Love Is Not Enough."
Dr. Beck lays out what happens when we're in love, and all aglow -- and how that changes -- and how negative perceptions become "the norm" -- and what to do about it.
I've been re-reading DR and DB, too.
Sigh.
It's all so unfair, from one perspective. So go ahead and vent.
But from another point of view we see our actions effecting change, and though it's slow, love peeks its head out again, and our WAS show their faces, seeking love, too.
I must remember: the o-chick in my H's life is an insect.
Merely annoying.
I shrink her down with bug spray and light candles for what matters to my heart.
Quote: I must remember: the o-chick in my H's life is an insect.
thanks bridget...I liken the ow to a paresite that infected a sickly host (our m)
here's a bit of interesting info...
on the way to the theater tonight talking about the radio h all of a sudden says you'll be happy to see this and shows me his second cell phone (the one I've in the past accused him of keeping to call ow as the calls can be erased, unlike the phone he normally uses) I was confused that he was showing it to me and then even more confused to see it fly out the window of the moving truck??
h said he cancelled the service and that he could have just told me so but thought I'd like to see the phone fly??
I didn't know what to say and said so...I kinda felt like crying but held back as this flying phone could mean anything and there is no point in my celebrating symbolism that I alone had placed on an object...I simply thanked him and then called him a litter bug!!
something did lighten in me as that phone flew away though...the rest of the night was peacefull...a certain comfort...all because of a phone? or because h thought enough to make a display of it as if symbolizing ow being thrown away? was that just my interpertation or what h intended? I didn't ask...didn't want to go there...just took it as it was and accepted it.
Wonderful,! But if I may, WHACK WHACK WHACK!!! Your H made a *grand gesture*. He knew what it meant. You know he's not stupid. If your reticent to trust that it will have long term meaning, that is up to you. But, you've got to recognize your H for this wonderful thing, even if you are still scared!. A wedding ring is just symbolic too, you know. I say, do something wonderful for your H to show how much this meant, and that you're willing to trust a bit more...
LL, and the risk of sounding harsh, this was a grand gesture. Don't throw it in his face with a lukewarm reception. It's not too late. Just let him know you were overcome and trying to avoid crying at the moment.
Yo LL. Okay, big response because I've read through this week's threads...
Quote: LL should add that at 5'8" those weights are not bad.
Okay, this is kind of funny. When I pictured LL before I read this, I saw a 5'2" very petite, long, brown-haired sassy woman. I think I got the sass right?!?!
Quote: will I ever trust h??
will I ever trust that it's for real???
how can I get there???
I ask for what I want... I get it... and it leads to more susspision.
is there something wrong with me??
So, the last couple of weeks have been pretty good between me and my W. She's really trying. But today I couldn't get ahold of her on the telephone--either she's at home or I can reach her via the cell. I get paranoid because she'd turn her cell off when she was with OM. Well, I talked to her later and come to find out that she didn't have her cell...the battery was dead. My long-winded point? I don't really know the answer because I'm having to deal with the exact same thing... However, I will say that because I've been so busy with work (also had a job interview) that I've had little time to think about the A. It's kind of been a relief.
I do think, LL, that when our Ses are home and truly give something of themselves to our Rs, that they are not having an A. Remember the distance your H had when he was having his A ("last year before h left..after ow disclosure and h was "trying" things were not as they are now...h was not doing and saying the same things he is now...")? The distance is less now, no? I think that barrier is simply them watering the other side of the fence, so to speak (you know what I mean). As they slowly focus less on the OP, they focus more on us and their R with us. Did that make any sense?
I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard for our Ses to give themselves to us when they're busy giving "it" to someone else...and when they are present with us...they really are present.
Quote: feeling distance again? not liking it??
in-laws came over for dinner...h arrived after them...fil at upon arival and then off to the basement for a nap...
Heck, LL, sometimes I want to go down to a basement for a nap when my mother shows up. Know what I'm saying?
Quote: I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents made...
LL, you know far more about the dynamics of an R than I'm sure your parents still do. You have an understanding that they don't... I can't imagine you making the same mistake. Give it some time...
Quote: h said he cancelled the service and that he could have just told me so but thought I'd like to see the phone fly??
What a wonderful beginning to the evening. H is paying attention and trying to do things to assure you. You are a lucky lady. It may take him a while but he still did it. He's learning what you need and acting on it. He could have just cancelled and told you. Instead he made it a point to do something dramatic to get his point across.
You have done such a good job. You have learned the lessons well and are reaping the benefits.
Quote: Wonderful,! But if I may, WHACK WHACK WHACK!!! Your H made a *grand gesture*. He knew what it meant. You know he's not stupid. If your reticent to trust that it will have long term meaning, that is up to you. But, you've got to recognize your H for this wonderful thing, even if you are still scared!. A wedding ring is just symbolic too, you know. I say, do something wonderful for your H to show how much this meant, and that you're willing to trust a bit more...
I didn't NOT react....I was simply speachless and said so...I did thank him and was being silly when I called him a litter bug...I know the phone does represent ow to me and h knows that so it was a gesture but not one deserving a grand reception there are still other things that must be thrown away and if I celebrate to big for the small steps how will I celebrate the big ones??
still to be thrown out the window??
h's apartment ow as customer h to ask me to put my rings back on or hell propose with a new one.
baby steps...baby steps...
if we throw a big party for each small step we'll be worn out before we reach the big party.
I did again this am mention the phone being hurled out the window...told him he was silly and thanked him...gave him a hug...he just smiled his silly smile.
LL, I need to catch up on you. Haven't been by lately.
Thanks for stopping by my thread and giving me encouragement. I could really use the piecing gals right now with all this recent action. I don't know what to expect from H as he thinks things through.
I'd also like to say thank you again for telling me about the Silly Monkee. Yes girl!! You were right!! And you have been right since December!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!
If I could hug you I would. {{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}}
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
However, I will say that because I've been so busy with work (also had a job interview) that I've had little time to think about the A. It's kind of been a relief.