Thought I would share some thoughts from an editorial about spring in this morning's paper. Sounds like a lot of our R's.
"It's good to be reminded that life comes back no matter how hard the ground has frozen or how seemingly entrenched and implacable the season. The daylight hours are lengthening, and man, hearing the music in his heart, regains hope."
I really just wish I could be certain that things are ok...but then again nothing in life is certain is it.
is h just acting as if? is that ok?? how long will he be able to do that until he wants "that feeling" again and runs off to ow..if he hasn't already?
I wish I lived closer to that area...wish I could just hop in the car and camp out on her street watching to see if he goes there...would it help any?? NO cause if he did go there and I saw...well then sad to say it would all be over for this m.
I know I should just trust that she is not a part of his life anymore but it's hard to do so having been lied to already...(last nov when "friendship" discovered...h supposedly stopped talking to her a big LIE) what is to stop him from lying to me again?? is it worth it for him to lie?? of course...he gets to keep his family...is it worth it for ow to put up with the lie?? maybe she after all does still have her h living with her despite the fact she's asked for a d.
I guess I just wish h would be more open with his thoughts and feelings...or would at least "talk" a little...it seems he doesn't...it's left for me to feel uncomfortable long enough that I say something then he can admit...he's not totally happy.
it has been over 2 weeks since h went to see my c...he wanted to make another appointment to talk to him more but hasn't...I asked once but don't feel like asking again...if he does not make an appointment by next week I will go back by myself and not mention it to him.
I am ok with the day to day...I am ok with trying to go about business as usual...but there are times when I want to cry...there are times when I want to express my fears...there are times when I want to talk about what's going on...hear from h what's working and what isn't...
I feel that going about things and acting as if this past year didn't happen is like walking around carrying a heavy bag that you can't ask anyone to help you with not even your h.
it doesn't seem fair that I should not be able to talk about these things with h.
I don't know what to think anymore...when h used to walk out the door to go to work..though I knew he'd be gone all day and not get home for dinner and more likely than not just fall asleep on the couch...I always believed work just wore on him...work took it all out and that was why he didn't have much for us. now knowing that he had been spending all this time with ow during the day I am humiliated, hurt, sad...what happend to my honest, loyal, dedicated, hard working h.
it is hard for me to look at him and trust that this is for real...it is hard for me to go on with this m and not feel like a fool...will I again be called one day by h letting me know he's been "caught" with someone??
when I got that phone call....before h even told me of their friendship...I wanted a d....I don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.
I know no two sits are the same...I know everyone is different...but has h learned???? will h repeat this same er? if not with ow then with another...simply seeking that "feeling" that "it" I will not put up with it as my mother did...slap me once shame on you...slap me twice shame on me...
am I simply waiting for the inevitable??? have I not already been shamed twice?? h got caught with this "friend"...supposedly ended it...but soon left because he couldn't lie anymore about it...is that not twice??
I just wish I had wings...I'd like to fly away for a while. the nice weather is comming...I will rollerblade soon...that is like flying to me...trouble is what if while I'm flying I realize that I don't need or want h in my life?? what then??? that after all was one of h's fears in returning home...that I wouldn't want him...is h being honest with me? do I know the whole story...am I being used? am I using h??
what is love? baby don't hurt me..not hurt me...no more!!
my father had multiple affairs while married to my mother...the first of wich before I was born...I did not know that my father didn't live with us til I was three until my h told me. my mother had told him one night and it was passed on to me...I knew that I had called him my new daddy but I was never told why. it was not that my mother had another man during that time..it was simply that my daddy came home to live with us.
my parents had a typical r...they laughed together...had mutual friends...we did things as a family...we did things seperately with each parent..we had holidays...we had vacations...at different times my parents had sepearate bed rooms...and then shared a bedroom...things just were that way and I didn't question it (what kid does mommy and daddy were there right?) time went on...we moved to a bigger house...parents shared a room...the fights seemed to end...there time off doing there own things outside the house seemed less...they seemed happy...they hung out together...playing cards or talking...going out with friends and having friends over...there were times when mom would sit and read by herself and times when dad would hang out in his workshop by himself..but it was ok. til shortly before I was to be married I was at work on the 4th of july and got a call from my mom..that dad had been caught with another woman....I watched as dad moved out...then back in...then out again...then back in...I'd come home to find them sitting together in the basement chillin', mom lost a lot of weight...mom couldn't take it anymore..dad waivering not knowing what to do...he was in-love with ow...had tried to break it off several times but couldn't...mom filed for d...I had been called home many a time in the middle of the night by my brother to tend to mom who was crying after a talk with dad...brother couldn't deal with her like that...so home (from h's) I'd come to put her to bed...I lived at home until I was married...it was mom and me in a huge house...I watched mom not eating and drinking her wine (better than the scotch she used to drink) she also started smoking...home from work I'd come...check in and see that she was ok...off to rollerblade for myself..then home to cook dinner and make sure mom would eat...
dad wanted to come by the house to mow the lawn...mom filed for d...to many affairs over the years I guess he had been in contact with a woman for over 10 years before meeting the new ow that he finally left for.
when the d was final they each bougth their own places...but now without dad..taunting mom with possible houses they could live in together...dad would call mom and invite her over to his place...ask her if she could live there...offer to be with her..but didn't want to give up ow..
dad would come by moms place to hang wall paper or do what she needed...dad was there for mom..but had another life too.
dad now lives alone by choice...he doesn't want to live with ow...yet wanted to be with her enough that he'd give up my mom and our family?
mom has a new home and lives with a bf (he's ok but he's not dad)
I see them both sad... I see them both missing... I see them both accusing the other of not loving them... I see them both hurting.. I see them both moving on but holding back...
I just don't want to go down that road....
I am scared...
I am lonley...
I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents made...
I don't know what to do with these fears...
I don't know what to do with the tears that are now running down my cheeks...do I wipe them away and suck it up...say that wont be me and turn a deaf ear to what my mind is telling me??
h loves me yes...but will h be strong enough and smart enough to keep from making this mistake again???
I wish I could share my fears with h...but I guess they are not for him to hear.
Quote: h loves me yes...but will h be strong enough and smart enough to keep from making this mistake again???
I guess this depends on whether h comes to an understanding of why he sought out the affair in the first place. This question needs to be dealt with, and individual counseling for your H might be a good idea, but only if you can find a pro-marriage counselor.
As for trust - read what I posted on my thread today.
Quote: I guess this depends on whether h comes to an understanding of why he sought out the affair in the first place. This question needs to be dealt with, and individual counseling for your H might be a good idea, but only if you can find a pro-marriage counselor.
h doesn't have any understanding as to why he sought out the affair other than...it had been there (she is a customer and has been for years...apparently he had "feelings" for her before we married) he went to her because "it" was there "it" defined by him is happiness.
he does not want to talk about the whats and whys...he does not want to talk about what needs where met with the affair...hell it took him long enough to even admit it as an affair....will it take that long for him to say...yes we were physical?? I knew from the day I got the call from him that he had given her a ride to an appointment that there was more to it than he wanted to say...I knew maybe before he did that he was "in-love" with this woman...
"it" isn't here....at least I don't feel like it is...maybe for him it is but I don't think so...so if "it" is what he's looking for...and he doesn't realize that "it" doesn't last...then I am doomed til he gets caught.
during our separation h did attend councelling himself...I was a bad dbr and called the insurance co and found out who...was sneaky and called her pretending to be a prospective client...found her stance on marriage...she is very pro marriage.
h stopped seeing her as soon as he decided to let me know he was confused and may like to try to come home.
h only became open to talking to my c (and only on his own) only when I called a lawyer to file myself. he had one appointment and said he'd make another...that he wanted to talk to him alone a few times and then we'd see about going together...that hasn't happend...and I've been putting off making an appointment of my own so that h could use the time.
when I try to talk about things with h...h accuses me of wanting to analyze everything...of wanting to be in his head...of being to phychological...
I just don't know how I can get past all this crapola with no closure...hell I am still under the impression that h is in-love with ow and has sacrificed himself for his family...is that what I want???
I just wish h were more open...I just wish h would realize that the day to day..one day at a time is great but there is work to be done.
no matter how many analogies I give him he doesn't get it..
he thinks I am analyzing or being physcological?? because I want to understand the dynamics of the r we have??
why is he not analyzing when he bothers to do research or take a course to understand why some grass is blue and other green, or why certain insects to this to the lawn..or why some fertilizer is good and too much is bad??
to gain an understanding of how the temperature and moisture levels a different times effect the weather is not analyzing..
it's ok for him to do those things...infact neccesary??
and yet he wont put half as much time or effort into gaining some insight or understanding of the workings of his marriage???
it's like h will throw a crumb and promise more but doesn't follow through...
when he first started to come around..he read the infidelity section of dr...and started to read the whole book..but put it down and hasn't picked it up since...
h takes one c session and promises more but doesn't follow through...
my head is swelling...I can't hold all this in...and I don't believe I should have to...why just because h had the ignorance to have an a and then leave...does he get to be protected by my silence??? am I protecting myself with my silence?? will h leave if he knows the truth of how I feel?? will I care or will I rejoice at the freedom from the tourment in my mind?? or will h again give just enough to keep me hanging.
the reality is this...and it is not was stuff talking... yes in the very begining h and I were in love...h felt special...I felt special... I shared with h... h didn't share with me... I had friends and a life and I shared it with h...he was welcome where ever I was and if he chose not to join he still was privy to my life. I shared the laughs and lives of my friends and family.. I shared my fears..my triumphs...my dissapointments...I shared myself.. h did not...h's family was just his family, his friends were his friends...his time was his time... I was never told..oh LL last night we went here you should have seen so and so!! hell I never even knew where he went!!
h never shared with me his fears...his joys...
h became a closed book to me..
I tried to talk to him about us...he sat and looked at the tv.
I tried to talk about us...h would leave the house...
I tried to talk about us...h would fall asleep...
for some reason h asked me to marry him and despite the fact that I stopped feeling like I actually meant anything to him and was more of his "package girl" I accepted. was h a bad h? no
I just don't know if there is really any point in my hanging around for h?
why should I?
at the end of the day h has little to share with me...yes hell call me and tell me the road is blocked...tell me it's snowing so be carefull or don't go out..tell me it's nice out so take the kids outside...but does h share with me any of his day??? NO...to discover that he's gone out to lunch with buddie is usually by my asking.
h knows where I am all the time...has always known... when I am suddenly not here h calls a million times looking for us.
I know that if h doesn't talk about things with me...activly work at repairing the damage that has been done...if h isn't able to sit with me and discuss "us" "me" and "himself" then I will stray if not physically then mentally. I need that connection just as much as h does. if h had not had his ea it may be easier...I may be able to say...well that's just the way h is...but he did have an ea..he did talk to a woman daily and take time out of his day to go see her and offer her support...to be her friend..honestly it may have been easier to deal with if he had just had a nastly little pa with her...if she were just some skanky housewife he stopped by for a quickie with...but no h says no pa at all...so it was an ea...he was and is able to have an emotional r with another...why not me???
I just want to run!!!
again the pendulum swings...
suppose there is no point in speaking out on it...suppose I should just go about business as usual...accepting the day to day...finding a false contentment here with what I am given and go about my life...sadly knowing that one day I myself will leave to be free.
I want a friend!!! I don't want to sit in waiting... I want someone who is able to express feelings... I want someone who knows what they want... I want someone who can tell me they love me and mean it... I want someone who has an oppinion about life!!
perhaps I should not have married the balancer (libra)
maybe h is right....maybe I am to deep for him...maybe he can't reach me...or maybe he just doesn't want to learn how...maybe h doesn't want to grow and is content to live in the box!!
mil has volunteered to babysit tonight...not like h would have thought of it on his own...I've given up on asking him to ask me out...it's apparently another cheeseless tunnel like so many in this r.
and once again...I feel I'd rather just go out myself!!
I can get the basics...but I want a truly intimate r with h....that I do not have and may never have...
I hear you. Let me tell you what really hurt me - I have not posted this on my thread in case H ever finds it (which really would not take much effort) because I don't want to burn someone who told me this.
Last summer, (that's before he left) H went out with BIL one Saturday night. Having been with this man for so long, I just assumed it was part of his personality that he didn't like to talk or get too deep into things, or overtly show his feelings. Well, after H left, BIL told me a story about that Saturday night, just so I would have a "heads up".
That night they went out, they met up with a bunch of H's coworkers, mostly f from what BIL said. H spent most of the night at a table in a corner, deeply engrossed in a conversation with one of the women, just the two of them. Later, when she started flirting with a guy at the bar, H comes over to BIL in a huff, and says "we're outa here!". Ends up they didn't leave...H and ff ended up in another intimate conversation and they must have made up again. At one point, BIL asked the woman's two friends "what's going on with those two?", one opened her mouth to answer, and the other one nudged her and cut her off, telling her "that's his BIL!".
After BIL told me this (within a couple of days of H leaving, as if I wasn't devastated enough), he saw how hurt I was and started backtracking real quick, saying "They didn't do anything" (what was he expecting, that they'd do it on the dancefloor?) and "there's probably nothing going on". What he didn't realize was that what he told me was enough. That H would sit and have a cozy conversation, or ANY conversation, with an OW for an hour...when I haven't deserved the time of day from him in I don't know how long, that hurt as much as if he said they did do it on the dancefloor.
Personally, I think you've hit the nail on the head. We have been too open and available to them. The trick is to turn things around to keep them guessing (like when you don't answer the phone and he keeps calling). But I feel like you do...I would rather not play these stupid games, and just be able to share my joys, hopes and fears with someone who loves me, is interested in me, and genuinely wants to do the same.
Having said all that, I would still love to be where you are at right now...and whether your H sees OW or not any more, he's made his preference clear by coming home to you. I hope you can see the mc together.
Quote: Having said all that, I would still love to be where you are at right now...and whether your H sees OW or not any more, he's made his preference clear by coming home to you.
thanks for sharing your story rjj,
I feel no comfort in that h has made his preference clear...his preference is simply to be here with his kids and his wife doing the right thing...but even after he was home...ow said to me "it's hard enough to repair a m when your h's had an affair, but to know he's in love with someone else"
those words didn't really hurt much and I didn't give her the reaction she'd hoped..(she was trying to compliment me on my strength) in love??? that's crap...the only reason I want h to be in love with me is because it was the feeling he was seeking...
I don't feel that h has made his preference clear to me at all.
honestly I think that he would prefer to be with ow...but loves his kids and doesn't want to put them through it and loves me enough that he doesn't want to put me through it either...but his preference...ow without a doubt!!!!
so I went out food shopping but didn't bother to let h know...if he had called I would have but he didn't..I turned on my cell phone just incase..but no calls...I arrived home to find he called twice...the second time stating that he's on his way home??? gee he's on his way home at 3??? that's a switch compare to the past week??
I'm just annoyed...little things can make me happy just as easily as little things can bring me down...latley the messages have been "hey guys" today it was "hey you" "or I should say you's" that simple hey you made a whole difference to me...am I that silly???
I just want to crawl in bed and go to sleep for a year and wake to find this has all been a sick joke!!!
Could we all run away together!! I think I know how you feel..maybe..I feel like you do some days..but the only difference is your h is home..he could have stayed away..right? There is a reason he's there..maybe not just for the kids..he's not a talker..how often do you want to "talk" to him about "things"? I know before my h left, seems I kept bringing ff up..I look back and think it helped push him away..if you could tell h that once a week or once every two weeks you need to air some of your feelings...just some ideas..I keep thinking about all these things I would like to do IF h comes home. Sue
