I hear you. Let me tell you what really hurt me - I have not posted this on my thread in case H ever finds it (which really would not take much effort) because I don't want to burn someone who told me this.
Last summer, (that's before he left) H went out with BIL one Saturday night. Having been with this man for so long, I just assumed it was part of his personality that he didn't like to talk or get too deep into things, or overtly show his feelings. Well, after H left, BIL told me a story about that Saturday night, just so I would have a "heads up".
That night they went out, they met up with a bunch of H's coworkers, mostly f from what BIL said. H spent most of the night at a table in a corner, deeply engrossed in a conversation with one of the women, just the two of them. Later, when she started flirting with a guy at the bar, H comes over to BIL in a huff, and says "we're outa here!". Ends up they didn't leave...H and ff ended up in another intimate conversation and they must have made up again. At one point, BIL asked the woman's two friends "what's going on with those two?", one opened her mouth to answer, and the other one nudged her and cut her off, telling her "that's his BIL!".
After BIL told me this (within a couple of days of H leaving, as if I wasn't devastated enough), he saw how hurt I was and started backtracking real quick, saying "They didn't do anything" (what was he expecting, that they'd do it on the dancefloor?) and "there's probably nothing going on". What he didn't realize was that what he told me was enough. That H would sit and have a cozy conversation, or ANY conversation, with an OW for an hour...when I haven't deserved the time of day from him in I don't know how long, that hurt as much as if he said they did do it on the dancefloor.
Personally, I think you've hit the nail on the head. We have been too open and available to them. The trick is to turn things around to keep them guessing (like when you don't answer the phone and he keeps calling). But I feel like you do...I would rather not play these stupid games, and just be able to share my joys, hopes and fears with someone who loves me, is interested in me, and genuinely wants to do the same.
Having said all that, I would still love to be where you are at right now...and whether your H sees OW or not any more, he's made his preference clear by coming home to you. I hope you can see the mc together.
