the reality is this...and it is not was stuff talking... yes in the very begining h and I were in love...h felt special...I felt special... I shared with h... h didn't share with me... I had friends and a life and I shared it with h...he was welcome where ever I was and if he chose not to join he still was privy to my life. I shared the laughs and lives of my friends and family.. I shared my fears..my triumphs...my dissapointments...I shared myself.. h did not...h's family was just his family, his friends were his friends...his time was his time... I was never told..oh LL last night we went here you should have seen so and so!! hell I never even knew where he went!!
h never shared with me his fears...his joys...
h became a closed book to me..
I tried to talk to him about us...he sat and looked at the tv.
I tried to talk about us...h would leave the house...
I tried to talk about us...h would fall asleep...
for some reason h asked me to marry him and despite the fact that I stopped feeling like I actually meant anything to him and was more of his "package girl" I accepted. was h a bad h? no
I just don't know if there is really any point in my hanging around for h?
why should I?
at the end of the day h has little to share with me...yes hell call me and tell me the road is blocked...tell me it's snowing so be carefull or don't go out..tell me it's nice out so take the kids outside...but does h share with me any of his day??? NO...to discover that he's gone out to lunch with buddie is usually by my asking.
h knows where I am all the time...has always known... when I am suddenly not here h calls a million times looking for us.
I know that if h doesn't talk about things with me...activly work at repairing the damage that has been done...if h isn't able to sit with me and discuss "us" "me" and "himself" then I will stray if not physically then mentally. I need that connection just as much as h does. if h had not had his ea it may be easier...I may be able to say...well that's just the way h is...but he did have an ea..he did talk to a woman daily and take time out of his day to go see her and offer her support...to be her friend..honestly it may have been easier to deal with if he had just had a nastly little pa with her...if she were just some skanky housewife he stopped by for a quickie with...but no h says no pa at all...so it was an ea...he was and is able to have an emotional r with another...why not me???
I just want to run!!!
again the pendulum swings...
suppose there is no point in speaking out on it...suppose I should just go about business as usual...accepting the day to day...finding a false contentment here with what I am given and go about my life...sadly knowing that one day I myself will leave to be free.
I want a friend!!! I don't want to sit in waiting... I want someone who is able to express feelings... I want someone who knows what they want... I want someone who can tell me they love me and mean it... I want someone who has an oppinion about life!!
perhaps I should not have married the balancer (libra)
maybe h is right....maybe I am to deep for him...maybe he can't reach me...or maybe he just doesn't want to learn how...maybe h doesn't want to grow and is content to live in the box!!
mil has volunteered to babysit tonight...not like h would have thought of it on his own...I've given up on asking him to ask me out...it's apparently another cheeseless tunnel like so many in this r.
and once again...I feel I'd rather just go out myself!!
I can get the basics...but I want a truly intimate r with h....that I do not have and may never have...
