Yes, I've been trying to get that word "choice" in there more often. I do notice it popping up in his vocabulary more often...for example, after my car accident a few weeks back. He said he chose to smoke, in response to the stress. Old habit would have been: "You made me start smoking again." (He's trying to quit. Again.)
I've talked to him about the times I felt tempted myself, how I recognized it, that I made a choice to cut off contact. And why I made that choice. His response in the past always was: "You're stronger than me." We haven't talked about it in awhile.
We've been like this for the past several months...dotted by some blow ups. Seem to get a little bit closer each time through, though. I'm actually in no rush...unlike our last separation, where I felt so insanely desperate. I miss him. I want this to work out. Am I okay if it takes another year or so? I can honestly say yes, because I'd rather we both be happy long-term. I think he kept starting to do this work on himself, then would get interrupted.
Oh...had another thought earlier... I kept wrestling with whether or not I should be more "tough love", or if I should continue to be nice and understanding. I think, in the process, I would swing too far in either direction. I'm learning to find a balance...and that there are times when I should do more of one or the other. Mostly I'm working on being understanding and appreciative, but gently firm with why I find ML right now to be icky. I think I won't beat myself up if it happens again, but xh has said he's trying to restrain himself out of respect for me.
I do notice that the more QT we spend together, the more receptive I am, the more he seems to open up. I don't want think completely withdrawing is the answer. But, maybe setting healthy expectations is.
We had another useful convo just a little bit ago. I think he was calling in response to my "thank you" text, but we wound up chatting for a bit longer. It's nice to know that he appreciates how helpful I am. Again, I do it because I want to, not because I expect anything in return. That's what a real gift should be.
He told me some other interesting things... We talked about JD some. (I know an awful lot about her.) He was saying he had seen bruises on her a few times. I worry about her. I worry her husband is more abusive than either of us knows. xh told me thinks it's sweet that I care. It's hard not to, hearing him talk about the nonsense she has to deal with. I hope she gets out soon.
He also thanked me for just being straight-forward and asking him, non-judgmentally, this morning. He kept saying he would never ditch his son to be, no, to hang out with someone else. (I thought it was weird he corrected the word 'be'. Maybe I'm reading into it too much.) He said that a couple of other times; he also slipped and said he wouldn't ditch 'you guys' on at least one occasion. xh asked why I would think that. I told him it was easy to get caught up in the hype, that it's almost intoxicating. He laughed, said no, no, if that were the case, he would be sleeping on the couch or staying at his place...not in my bed.
So, maybe not as many screws loose in his head as I thought. Just wish he would realize you can't just say those things to a woman (JD), and her not believe there's going to be something more down the road. Ah, well. Can't make him see. He probably doesn't want to, right now, anyway.
xh did emphasize several times how much he liked my approach earlier. He said it was much better than my snooping, and then creating conflict out of it. He said how much he didn't like the conflict. He did mention that I was not making something out of nothing...just that I was creating an argument where he was willing to just answer honest questions honestly. Good thing to know.
We also talked some more about his issues. He talked about how, finally, he is able to distinguish between JD (and others) and his mother. He used to sort of fuse them in his mind...gave him this overwhelming need to help that almost seemed uncontrollable. He'd have all these crazy nightmares, where his mother would be juxtaposed with whomever he was trying to help at the time. Anyway, he noted how he didn't feel that way at all this time.
Quote:
"yes, I think you are ready. almost no one has zero doubts/worries, when they get married. The only question is whether that person is prepared to deal with issues in a positive way, when they come up. Well, that, and whether or not to stay faithful to that one person, both physically and emotionally. "
I like how you phrased this. I will have to keep it in mind. xh and I have lots of deep, good conversations on these kinds of things. Will have to mention it when it won't seem too out-of-sync.
Just wish he would realize you can't just say those things to a woman (JD), and her not believe there's going to be something more down the road. Ah, well. Can't make him see. He probably doesn't want to, right now, anyway.
