What To Do Now When WAW Living With OM

[saffie]

I am useless at linking my threads - still haven't worked out how!!!!

My sitch was that my H had an 18 month A with one of his employees. He never left home. Our M hadn't been good for a while - we seemed to have grown apart with havnig had 4 kids and me becoming a stay at home mum. I didn't know it had got as bad as it had but was suffering from depression.I think I was also getting restless as the children didn't seem to need me as much.

I had started getting C a couple of times but backed off as I didn't feel I was up for opening up and then finally in a bid to sort out my M I went to see a psychiatrist to get a referral to see a clinical psychologist to do some cognitive behavioural therapy. Through that I ended up writing my H a letter and telling him how much I missed him and being close to him. I really opened up and told him lots of things I had never said to him. He took three days to respond and when he did told me he had been having the A for the last 18 months. He had been away working in Ireland on and off and it had been the member of staff he took over there with him that it had been going on with. I never suspected a thing - his father had done the same to his mother and as he was so upset when that happened I thought he would never do that to me. His parents D'd over it.

He told me that on 4th July 2006. We were going away on 20th July for a family holiday and then on 19th Sept just he and I were booked to go away to Marrakech for our 20th Wedding anniversary. I was so shocked. He initially wanted to go on our family holiday and then continue living in a M'd way with me until after our anniversary celebrations but STILL see OW and then decide what to do. I made it easy for him and tried to commit suicide - unfortunately my kids saw all this, ( at the time they were 15,13,11 and 8).

My psychiatrist told my H that he couldn't leave me hanging in limbo. I was doped up to the nines and we had a week of hell. At the end of the week OW was gone and never set foot in our Co. again and H totally recommitted.

I spent the best part of a year drugged up and then decided to get off all the meds at they were stopping me moving on.

I found this site and the books as I had messive issues surrounding the OW. She was living in my head all the time - I thought about her constantly whilst my H never did - pretty stupid eh? Thing was she had pursued my H very single mindedly. She left her H AND her children expecting my H to kick me out and then she would just move in and become mum to my kids

My H said that he had never thought threw how it would work and did know deep down she wasn't for him. He knew, he now says, as soon as he had my letter telling him how much I loved him he wanted to be with me but didn't know how to get rid of OW and the mess he had created. He got involved with her because he thought I didn't want him anymore. What was so sad was we had lain next to each other for the last four / five years yearning to get affection from each other but both thinking the other wasn't interested!!!!

These boards and the people I have met on here have helped me move on SO much. I am off all the AD's and moving on. I have come to accept that it is OK to dislike OW and that I always will but that she was a symptom of our problems NOT the cause. I still don't know what I would do if I met her though. I keep tabs on her and know where she works etc. I could stuff her up if I really wanted to but I am happy to sit back and watch her do it to herself - she will; I have no doubts.

I stay on here because I have made friends and I like to help others if I can. My M is in pretty good shape. H is very supportive and I am lucky that I live a good life. I stay at home and play with my horses and see to my kids. I am trying to decide what to do next though as my youngest is in year 5 and so in 20 months or so will go to secondary school. I think then I will want to work again. I have done all the school governor stuff, charity work, fund raising etc and want more of a challenge. I am thinking about going back to university again and taking another degree and possibly then a doctorate. I am too out of touch with my professional grounding, (Tax Consultant), and to be honest I don't really enjoy it.

Anyways - as that was a long post I will stop now.

I am glad that you managed to talk to your children and it is good that your W is being pleasant. I think being pleasant back but minimising contact with your W is a good idea. Her OM does not sound like good long term material.

Keep working on that PMA.

My current thread is more of a playground!!!! It's called saffie's sandbox - extension ? I think it is extension 9 at the moment but it has been quiet lately as I have been posting on others in my 'group's' threads. Join us - Yoyo, husband, sara, morgan, lwb, ohio-mark etc are all great fun. Click on my name and see who I am posting to and join in. We are all at different stages and they are such a supportive group.

Take care

Saffie