my father had multiple affairs while married to my mother...the first of wich before I was born...I did not know that my father didn't live with us til I was three until my h told me. my mother had told him one night and it was passed on to me...I knew that I had called him my new daddy but I was never told why. it was not that my mother had another man during that time..it was simply that my daddy came home to live with us.
my parents had a typical r...they laughed together...had mutual friends...we did things as a family...we did things seperately with each parent..we had holidays...we had vacations...at different times my parents had sepearate bed rooms...and then shared a bedroom...things just were that way and I didn't question it (what kid does mommy and daddy were there right?) time went on...we moved to a bigger house...parents shared a room...the fights seemed to end...there time off doing there own things outside the house seemed less...they seemed happy...they hung out together...playing cards or talking...going out with friends and having friends over...there were times when mom would sit and read by herself and times when dad would hang out in his workshop by himself..but it was ok. til shortly before I was to be married I was at work on the 4th of july and got a call from my mom..that dad had been caught with another woman....I watched as dad moved out...then back in...then out again...then back in...I'd come home to find them sitting together in the basement chillin', mom lost a lot of weight...mom couldn't take it anymore..dad waivering not knowing what to do...he was in-love with ow...had tried to break it off several times but couldn't...mom filed for d...I had been called home many a time in the middle of the night by my brother to tend to mom who was crying after a talk with dad...brother couldn't deal with her like that...so home (from h's) I'd come to put her to bed...I lived at home until I was married...it was mom and me in a huge house...I watched mom not eating and drinking her wine (better than the scotch she used to drink) she also started smoking...home from work I'd come...check in and see that she was ok...off to rollerblade for myself..then home to cook dinner and make sure mom would eat...
dad wanted to come by the house to mow the lawn...mom filed for d...to many affairs over the years I guess he had been in contact with a woman for over 10 years before meeting the new ow that he finally left for.
when the d was final they each bougth their own places...but now without dad..taunting mom with possible houses they could live in together...dad would call mom and invite her over to his place...ask her if she could live there...offer to be with her..but didn't want to give up ow..
dad would come by moms place to hang wall paper or do what she needed...dad was there for mom..but had another life too.
dad now lives alone by choice...he doesn't want to live with ow...yet wanted to be with her enough that he'd give up my mom and our family?
mom has a new home and lives with a bf (he's ok but he's not dad)
I see them both sad... I see them both missing... I see them both accusing the other of not loving them... I see them both hurting.. I see them both moving on but holding back...
I just don't want to go down that road....
I am scared...
I am lonley...
I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents made...
I don't know what to do with these fears...
I don't know what to do with the tears that are now running down my cheeks...do I wipe them away and suck it up...say that wont be me and turn a deaf ear to what my mind is telling me??
h loves me yes...but will h be strong enough and smart enough to keep from making this mistake again???
I wish I could share my fears with h...but I guess they are not for him to hear.
