I really just wish I could be certain that things are ok...but then again nothing in life is certain is it.
is h just acting as if? is that ok?? how long will he be able to do that until he wants "that feeling" again and runs off to ow..if he hasn't already?
I wish I lived closer to that area...wish I could just hop in the car and camp out on her street watching to see if he goes there...would it help any?? NO cause if he did go there and I saw...well then sad to say it would all be over for this m.
I know I should just trust that she is not a part of his life anymore but it's hard to do so having been lied to already...(last nov when "friendship" discovered...h supposedly stopped talking to her a big LIE) what is to stop him from lying to me again?? is it worth it for him to lie?? of course...he gets to keep his family...is it worth it for ow to put up with the lie?? maybe she after all does still have her h living with her despite the fact she's asked for a d.
I guess I just wish h would be more open with his thoughts and feelings...or would at least "talk" a little...it seems he doesn't...it's left for me to feel uncomfortable long enough that I say something then he can admit...he's not totally happy.
it has been over 2 weeks since h went to see my c...he wanted to make another appointment to talk to him more but hasn't...I asked once but don't feel like asking again...if he does not make an appointment by next week I will go back by myself and not mention it to him.
I am ok with the day to day...I am ok with trying to go about business as usual...but there are times when I want to cry...there are times when I want to express my fears...there are times when I want to talk about what's going on...hear from h what's working and what isn't...
I feel that going about things and acting as if this past year didn't happen is like walking around carrying a heavy bag that you can't ask anyone to help you with not even your h.
it doesn't seem fair that I should not be able to talk about these things with h.
I don't know what to think anymore...when h used to walk out the door to go to work..though I knew he'd be gone all day and not get home for dinner and more likely than not just fall asleep on the couch...I always believed work just wore on him...work took it all out and that was why he didn't have much for us. now knowing that he had been spending all this time with ow during the day I am humiliated, hurt, sad...what happend to my honest, loyal, dedicated, hard working h.
it is hard for me to look at him and trust that this is for real...it is hard for me to go on with this m and not feel like a fool...will I again be called one day by h letting me know he's been "caught" with someone??
when I got that phone call....before h even told me of their friendship...I wanted a d....I don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.
I know no two sits are the same...I know everyone is different...but has h learned???? will h repeat this same er? if not with ow then with another...simply seeking that "feeling" that "it" I will not put up with it as my mother did...slap me once shame on you...slap me twice shame on me...
am I simply waiting for the inevitable??? have I not already been shamed twice?? h got caught with this "friend"...supposedly ended it...but soon left because he couldn't lie anymore about it...is that not twice??
I just wish I had wings...I'd like to fly away for a while. the nice weather is comming...I will rollerblade soon...that is like flying to me...trouble is what if while I'm flying I realize that I don't need or want h in my life?? what then??? that after all was one of h's fears in returning home...that I wouldn't want him...is h being honest with me? do I know the whole story...am I being used? am I using h??
what is love? baby don't hurt me..not hurt me...no more!!
