Calling All Cats :)

[cat03]

not much to report, we are going to C next Tuesday, H still thinks he was attacked when C asked him to make a choice or to voice what he wanted (in the M)

I was trying to begin affectionate jestures, I kiss him longer good bye or good night, hug him, and he kisses back and hugs but never initiates still. And by now I know I have to give without feeling I'm giving in, so if I think I'm going to be resentful I don't do anything. Tried to have him hug me during a movie, he sort of put his arm over me, casual, then later on moved it out.

I can't stand this anymore.

I know it has to genuine and from him, the desire to love me. But he is just too tired after work or too overwhelmed after work or too worried about work.
I know he can only jugle one thing at a time (adhd, he gets overwhelmed easy) but , come on! when all is said and done, what is the most important thing in your life? your work or your family?
I was willfully on the back burner during his classes on the academy, during training, first months...and now, still, because they are most likely moving him to a lower position because of his performance. Then, he'll get depressed and still not able to give me an inch of affection or of himself.

I'm so sick of this. Yes, this is a rant, tired of living with my "room mate" who could take or leave my affection, whom is quiet half the time we go out and just sits there-- and me, trying to make conversation and be pleasant, to have a good time.

My kids need their dad, but I dont' know how long I can put up with this zombie who doesn't show the least interest in me as a person.

Chatting to online guy still, have a smile on my face the entire hr we chat, something that doestn happen with H. Yes, I know, it is a fantasy world, we only see the other person's best side...much like an A. I can sort of see how my H fell for op. The illution of a perfect new R, with someone who finds you charming and perfect, so much that you dont' really think of your kids and you fantasize about how it'd be to be with this person.

I have to be careful, I know, I know...because at some point chatting with him took the edge off, but sometimes it highlights what I dont' have.

Feeling so-so today, was hoping to go to Retro but H said it might reflect badly on him if he takes off the weekend due to the recent neg. developments at work.
I am looking for an Imago councelor, just emailed this guy near my home, he's head of what looks like a good Imago C center. I need a plan of action from H and I need to see some progress in the near future. We are supposed to learn to love who each of us is now, and the truth is, the person he is now, well...

Hey, I get to whine now and then too~! hopefully I'll feel better about my M's future.