OK, beyond the "no R conversations" advice -- any thoughts?
First thought -- you're an emotional masochist. Now, onto the conversation you had...
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Me: Let me finish, I'm just concerned about you being alone on the holiday and that your company would be welcomed by both me and the girls.
W; It did sound like you were trying to pry and it makes me angry/bothers me
Don't you think she knows her company would be welcomed by you guys? And I understand where your W is coming from with her feelings because it is obvious that you're dying to know what her R status is with OM. You're still obsessing about it, evidence by your statement, "Why can't you ever just say yes or no that you're with him?". Why are you concerning yourself -- and grilling the W about -- something you have NO CONTROL OVER, Heim?!
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I know you're seeing him, so that's fine. I just didn't want you to be alone
You're overtly manipulating her with comments like these. In addition, it's not your place anymore to decide if she will be or wants to be alone or not. Let her decide for herself, man. You trying to tell her what is best for her (like what she should be doing for Turkey day, that she should be calling and communicating with her parents, etc) tells her that you a) don't trust that she can make decisions that are best for her or that will make her happy, and b) don't respect her decisions and therefore don't respect her. If you love her, Heim, love her enough to SHOW her that you respect her and trust that she will make decisions that will make her happy. That's unconditional love, my friend.
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That the symptom of our marital problems might have a hand in parenting my children. I may be wrong, but I see him as an emotional leach, who couldn't sustain his own marriage, then glommed onto two women who were unhappy in their own marriages. The thought of a person like that involved in my childrens' lives disgusts me.
W: I disagree.
And now she'll dig her heels in even more because of your statement above. You've pushed her farther away from you by saying this, because even if you end up being right in the end, she will resent you for it. You're a "right-sayer" in Dr. Phil terms. You're basically telling your W that she is not able to make good decisions or decisions that are best for her, and that you know better than she does. Can you see how unattractive and repelling that is. Seriously. I'd be pissed if I was your W, because she already knows that you've thought this in the past. You bringing it up again demonstrates that you haven't changed as much as you'd like her to believe. As intelligent as you are Heim, the fact that you think bringing this stuff up is going to do you ANY good is absolutely astounding to me.
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Me: have you ever thought about us getting back together?
W: Not really
And she's going to think about it less by doing what you did with this conversation.
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That call really went off track quickly, eh?
And why do you think that is? Did you expect it to go any other way?
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I'm on the edge of moving on and that scares me.
Making statements like these will only hurt you because you will have to back them up with action and true detachment and letting go/moving on, otherwise she will she your statement as a lie -- a manipulative ploy to get her to come back. Are you prepared to move on, Heim? Methinks you're not -- not yet, my friend, and your conversation shows that.
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Me: That's fine. Asked her if I talk like my step-dad (repetitive and annoying, stressing the same point over and over).
W: Yes. and it makes me feel stupid.
Hope you made a BIG note about that and make a VERY conscious effort to change this.
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I feel like if I can get her to open up to me that either we'll move closer or I'll get some form of closure (while I have a pretty good understanding of what went wrong, I'd like to hear from her exactly what happened). If I could just get that boil lanced . . .
Stop trying to control what she wants to do. You're being selfish, man. This whole conversation was about you and what you need. The whole conversation. Even the alleged concern about W being alone on Turkey day. It was 100% transparent that you really just wanted W to be with YOU on Turkey day, and equally apparent that you didn't want her to be with OM on Turkey day. Your jealous and attempt to parent your W is just pushing her farther away, Heim. And even if her R with OM doesn't work out, your actions like those in your recent post will cause her to not want to come back to you either. Let that R run it's course. If they stay together, it's not something you can control. If they break up, it again isn't something you can control. Love her enough to let her make her own choices. You have no say in those choices in anymore. It isn't your place, Heim. It isn't your place.
I'm sorry that I was so blunt, but you've been here long enough and experienced your backslides long enough to know this was a bad idea -- and yet you did it anyway. Like I said at the top: I think you must be an emotional masochist.
