I am so thankful that my friend was a almost waw and found db through her councelor...if she had not...she never would have been able to tell me about the book once my h decided he wanted a d (and actually I wonder...if I had not asked and just let him be would he have come to that decision? it was after all june when he said "yes I want a d" but he had moved out in march not knowing what he was going to do)

I know that without db/dr and this board...there is no way that I would have had the strength to carry on...there is now way I would #1 know enough to keep my mouth shut about such things and #2 have the strength to do it.

I appreciate every one of you more than you know!!!

I'm now feeling guilty for being stuck in the past...I know it will take me a while to let it go...but I also know that it's my own fear that is keeping me there.

last year before h left..after ow disclosure and h was "trying" things were not as they are now...h was not doing and saying the same things he is now...

h did not read books or go to a board...I don't even know how often he went to his own c.

but it seems we each now have more patience with eachother..more compasion toward eachother and display greater affection for eachother...

I know we will survive...

I just want to move past this pain and fear...

I try to fight it and most often do...most of the time I am able to tell myself...I am letting my mind wander...without just cause...I am causing myself this dis-ease based upon my own fears...but I also fear letting that go.

I struggle...daily...

I love h and trust him with my heart...I just wish my mind would too!!

LL