great news about your volunteering ..it can be such a boost of morale to get out of the house and do something other than kids, laundry etc....I fully understand the weight thing..I had lost 30 # last year..well of course when everyone found out about h and I they again assumed it was from that..not I need to lose about 20 more to be at the 140 I was when I got married. Everyone says I look good now, but I know what the scale says.. Keep hanging in there..I think you h has come along way just in the past month. He just does not express himslf with words..so look at the ways he does. We can be so caught up in what we think they should say, do, that we miss what really is important. Sue
ok so as a result of the other day with my getting frustrated with not knowing where h is he just two wayed me on the cell phone (I hate talking on that thing that way) to let me know he'd be leaving the office for a bit and then he'd be back to finnish up and what his plans where for the rest of the day...I thanked him...but realized I may have sounded cold...I just don't like the two way...so a few min later I called the cell and let him know I appreciated his call and wanted him to know...also let him know that I realize it may not have come across on the two way cause I just don't like talking on it.
h was just finnishing up an appointment...I appologized for the interuption...he said no problem that he'd call back in a few min.
so tell me this....why then if h is giving me what I asked for? letting me know his whereabouts...do I find susspision in it???
why do I sit and think..oh yeah your just calling to save your a$$ and cover....why do I sit and think the appointment he's in right now is really just his visit to ow's house??
will I ever trust h??
will I ever trust that it's for real???
how can I get there???
I ask for what I want... I get it... and it leads to more susspision.
LL - you are trying to keep from being vulnerable in the relationship. But here's the catch - if you keep protecting yourself, you actually drive a wedge between you and H, thereby destroying the very thing you seek to preserve. There is no safety in trying not to be vulnerable - you must take the leap of faith and allow yourself to be vulnerable and fully present in the relationship in order to find what you seek. Of course it is risky - but it is more risky to keep sabotaging the relationship in the name of staying "safe". Ellie
Quoting lostlove: so tell me this....why then if h is giving me what I asked for? letting me know his whereabouts...do I find susspision in it???
why do I sit and think..oh yeah your just calling to save your a$$ and cover....why do I sit and think the appointment he's in right now is really just his visit to ow's house??
will I ever trust h??
will I ever trust that it's for real???
how can I get there???
I ask for what I want... I get it... and it leads to more susspision.
is there something wrong with me??
LL
LL -- I don't know the answers above for you -- but I've spent a lot of time thinking about the questions and answers for me and my sitch. Perhaps you'll find something for yourself in my thoughts....
It's actually easier and less scary for me to continue suspecting and mistrusting than it is for me to take the leap to trusting -- why is it easier? because I KNOW what I'm getting -- I'm comfortable -- there is a safety net made out of my own sadness and mistrust and misery. Perhaps not a very attractive safety net to an outsider's viewpoint -- but it's MY safety net -- I created it, I own it and I control it. There are days when I find myself telling myself horrible "stories" in my head about H and ow -- I weave the tales with incredible detail and I feel the sadness and desperation in my body -- why? because I think it will hurt less if I run through the pain "in advance"....
This was in the past. I stop myself from running the scenarios in my head now because I recognize that even though I'm only fantasizing, my body and brain react as though all of my negative thoughts and feelings were TRUE instead of just being bad fantasy. My brain stores the misdeed as though it actually happened -- feeding into my mistrust and sadness -- blaming h. for my faulty thought process.
I realized fairly recently that I have always expected my H. to cheat on me and leave me. I've been waiting for it to happen for nearly all of my M. Why? Because of some crap I went thru early on I believed that I was broken, unloveable, leaveable. That not only would H. leave me but that he should. Heck, as long as I'm there -- why don't I pull back, hold him at arm's length, stir the pot, create crisis? It's going to happen eventually, right? Might as well be prepared.
Again. In the past.
I choose to view myself as loveable and worthy. I chose to trust. Every day (and some days are not easy!). I chose to accept the idea that there are not guarentees in life. I choose to be happy.
I will no longer manage my fear and anxiety of the unknown, that I cannot control, by telling myself stories of doom.
Like I said, only thoughts that I've had for myself...but I DO know that there is nothing wrong with you!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
last week after a ridiculous fight with h based on my own insecurities..I went for a ride and when I came back I had a story to tell h.. and remind myself of as well..
over the summer during separation...one sunday before h was getting here for his visit (he was late...the kids and I had been away..the lawn wasn't cut...I didn't want to face him) I left the kids with mil and went off to the store for milk and to chill a bit so that I wouldn't be tempted to push h down when he did arive..
while I was sitting at the tables out front I met a nice older couple...the woman had on a self made t-shirt said...student rider...on the back of it...
she told me a story of how 5 years ago she had gotten into a bad motorcycle accident...bruised every part of her body (luckily nothing broken) and had stopped riding...while she was helping her granchildren learn to ride their bikes they of course kept falling...and she told them they couldn't quit they had to brush off that knee and give it another go. she felt like a hypocrite letting her fear keep her from getting back on her own bike (motorcycle) so she's back out at it again..thus the "student rider" shirt...to let others know she's learning again.
I let h know that I am afraid...afraid to be bruised again..but that I cannot let that fear keep me from being open to trusting and love.
LL - haven't been posting too much since I felt I didn't have a whole lot to add. But this stood out at me:
Quote: I let h know that I am afraid...afraid to be bruised again..but that I cannot let that fear keep me from being open to trusting and love.
That is the biggie, isn't it? We are all afraid of getting hurt again - and our spouses are feeling exactly the same thing. Can we promise never to hurt or disappoint our spouses again? Nope - completely unrealistic. Can we promise to do the best that we can? Definitely!
It all goes back to that notion of choice. Just as love is a decision, trust needs to be a decision as well. In my sitch, I choose to trust that my W is not seeking solace with another man even though that is part of her history. I choose to love my W even though she does not return that love. At least your H is trying in his own way to rediscover how to love you, LL.
We may never completely eliminate that fear, but we can do our best to overcome it.
Quoting lostlove: what is the difference between living in fear and living with your eyes open?
I understand that sometimes our eyes see things that we then place meaning based upon our fears.
You pretty much answered your own question. Living with your eyes open, is to be more aware of what is happening around you. What you see is still open to interpretation. If you allow the fear you have to slant how you interpret what you see, then the fear prepetuates itself and becomes ever present...like your reaction to H eating cookies while you sleep. It doesn't just happen sometimes... we all do this at one time or another. There is NOTHING wrong with you. He!!, what I posted in my thread just a couple weeks ago is the same thing!
What your mind does is pure unconfirmed speculation. We base our POV on how we speculate on what has occured in recent history. At this time your fear is controling the slant. History is changing but the change is just too recent and not enough time has lapsed yet. So when you start to interpret what you see, dismiss it for now know it will be bias until you can confirm with evidence what you speculate. (Sorta like innocent until proven guilty.) Focus only on the now. Now is all you have. Now is good. Accept it ... live it ... enjoy it ... appreciate it.
To add to what Bob posted (which was excellent), your H has made the choice to love you and he is showing you his decision evertime he gives you what you have asked for. Don't let fear taint that! Everytime he does good, it is because he has choosen to love you.
Yes, for now he is acting "as-if" just like you, but remember acting "as-if" over time become part of you nature and when that happens it is no longer acting ... its real.
I am so thankful that my friend was a almost waw and found db through her councelor...if she had not...she never would have been able to tell me about the book once my h decided he wanted a d (and actually I wonder...if I had not asked and just let him be would he have come to that decision? it was after all june when he said "yes I want a d" but he had moved out in march not knowing what he was going to do)
I know that without db/dr and this board...there is no way that I would have had the strength to carry on...there is now way I would #1 know enough to keep my mouth shut about such things and #2 have the strength to do it.
I appreciate every one of you more than you know!!!
I'm now feeling guilty for being stuck in the past...I know it will take me a while to let it go...but I also know that it's my own fear that is keeping me there.
last year before h left..after ow disclosure and h was "trying" things were not as they are now...h was not doing and saying the same things he is now...
h did not read books or go to a board...I don't even know how often he went to his own c.
but it seems we each now have more patience with eachother..more compasion toward eachother and display greater affection for eachother...
I know we will survive...
I just want to move past this pain and fear...
I try to fight it and most often do...most of the time I am able to tell myself...I am letting my mind wander...without just cause...I am causing myself this dis-ease based upon my own fears...but I also fear letting that go.
I struggle...daily...
I love h and trust him with my heart...I just wish my mind would too!!
