MIL should hit Phoenix sometime today. She is supposed to stay with him for a couple of weeks (I think?) before heading to Mexico for awhile. xh is already feeling anxiety, and I can see some of his old patterns starting to pop back up again. He has been talking to me about it, and so far I have just been validating his feelings. But, I think if he directly asks my advice, I may offer some DB techniques. Or phrase it, "If you were talking to me, what would you say?"

He seems really worked up about it. Kept talking about how he was going to feel invaded, how he wasn't ready, he wasn't done working on himself, and this would just interfere. That he likes being able to come and go as he pleases without anyone harassing him. I asked him if he was afraid she is going to bully him, and he said yes.

I never really thought of MIL as a bully. She is pushy and headstrong...but a bully, no. Then I thought, maybe xh feels bullied because he has trouble saying 'no', because he's more afraid of the other person's reaction. Then it dawned on me, that sometimes I feel bullied because I can't say 'no'. Kind of a light bulb train of thought. I think I will share this with xh later...he will probably find my line of thinking interesting.

(Oh, and on the positive side, we've both been better at saying no, in general, when appropriate.)

On the way to work, I gave him a quick call to offer to go with him to the funeral on Friday. I thought he might want some company. I told him it was okay to tell me no, if he'd rather me not for whatever reason, but I wanted to offer anyway. He seemed flattered that I thought of it.

I did have a bit of crazymaking moment earlier. xh left quickly from my place this morning, like he usually does lately, saying he wanted to get some studying in before class. Then I remembered one of the texts I saw from JD a couple of weeks back...and it occurred to me, maybe he was in a hurry so he could meet her...

So. Instead of letting it run away with me, I just called him. \:\) No answer. I left a message: "Hey, had a weird thought and was having some anxiety so I wanted to ask. TTYL."

He called me back a couple of hours later. And I asked. The trick to this is, I was non accusatory. I told him I was pretty sure it was just my imagination running away with me.

xh was honest. He said she did sometimes, but he really was just studying before class most days. He even told me about what times she usually is there, and how often. I didn't get angry; didn't even get upset. I thanked him for his honesty. (The point of all of this is, I suppose, learning to confront fears and emotional topics head-on...and being open to the answer, whatever it is. It helps the other person be more honest in the long run.) We agreed that is was juts my mind taking something that was there, and blowing it way out of proportion.

All this lead into a minor R talk. No yelling or anything. Got the usual: "We're both single, we need to move on, get our lives together, blah blah blah." (All normal, typical rhetoric.) I did tell him that it hurts my feelings when he tells me to go "get a boyfriend." (I love how he says it...like I can just go to Target and get one off the shelf!) I said I am choosing not to, at the moment.

I did tell him that, from my point of view, I found it frustrating that he talks about wanting a family and married life, because, well, he had all those things. xh said he knew that, but wasn't in the right frame of mind at the time. He said he still wasn't ready...then asked if I thought he was. I said, "Do you think you are? You are doing great...you've made a lot of progress."

It also just occurred to me...another positive...xh was really sweet last night. Kept saying how I go way out of my way to accommodate him and his crazy schedule. (I actually do it just to be nice. Not trying to prove anything.) So he offered to just come over to my place later, and for me to be able to spend some time at home. (I've been saying a lot lately, that I'm just not home enough.) I did notice he asked me a couple of times later if I had enjoyed that. Note to self: I think he's looking to feel more appreciation for the nice things he does. So I just sent him a text thanking him for it. ;\)

Azhira

my confusion