trusting that it's for real.

[sage]

so tell me this....why then if h is giving me what I asked for? letting me know his whereabouts...do I find susspision in it???

why do I sit and think..oh yeah your just calling to save your a$$ and cover....why do I sit and think the appointment he's in right now is really just his visit to ow's house??

will I ever trust h??

will I ever trust that it's for real???

how can I get there???

I ask for what I want... I get it... and it leads to more susspision.

is there something wrong with me??

LL

LL -- I don't know the answers above for you -- but I've spent a lot of time thinking about the questions and answers for me and my sitch. Perhaps you'll find something for yourself in my thoughts....

It's actually easier and less scary for me to continue suspecting and mistrusting than it is for me to take the leap to trusting -- why is it easier? because I KNOW what I'm getting -- I'm comfortable -- there is a safety net made out of my own sadness and mistrust and misery. Perhaps not a very attractive safety net to an outsider's viewpoint -- but it's MY safety net -- I created it, I own it and I control it. There are days when I find myself telling myself horrible "stories" in my head about H and ow -- I weave the tales with incredible detail and I feel the sadness and desperation in my body -- why? because I think it will hurt less if I run through the pain "in advance"....

This was in the past. I stop myself from running the scenarios in my head now because I recognize that even though I'm only fantasizing, my body and brain react as though all of my negative thoughts and feelings were TRUE instead of just being bad fantasy. My brain stores the misdeed as though it actually happened -- feeding into my mistrust and sadness -- blaming h. for my faulty thought process.

I realized fairly recently that I have always expected my H. to cheat on me and leave me. I've been waiting for it to happen for nearly all of my M. Why? Because of some crap I went thru early on I believed that I was broken, unloveable, leaveable. That not only would H. leave me but that he should. Heck, as long as I'm there -- why don't I pull back, hold him at arm's length, stir the pot, create crisis? It's going to happen eventually, right? Might as well be prepared.

Again. In the past.

I choose to view myself as loveable and worthy. I chose to trust. Every day (and some days are not easy!). I chose to accept the idea that there are not guarentees in life. I choose to be happy.

I will no longer manage my fear and anxiety of the unknown, that I cannot control, by telling myself stories of doom.

Like I said, only thoughts that I've had for myself...but I DO know that there is nothing wrong with you!

Sage