What a good year this has been.....

[forever21]

Hey Nikki!

Great to hear from you!!

Thanks! I am doing and feeling good. Glad my story with my Mom cracked you up. If you knew my Mom, even funnier. hehee.

I managed to come up with a short and to the point email. Thanks, Kim07. I feel good about it. Told him I wouldn't be able to sign that quit claim, and also that I'd still like to talk with him with the help of a mediator if he's still up for that.

So, that's done. My plan is to not worry myself with any reaction on H's part. He said this would "ruin him", so should be interesting. I think I'm doing him a favor.

Okayyyyy.... he is not taking this well. I feel so sorry for him, to act this pathetic. I am embarassed for him. Not really surprised but it's still so sad. I am not answering any of his spew.

Good night.

[NikB]

Awww f21, guessing you are getting all kinds of crazy texts/emails based on your last post.

I'm sorry.

Keep strong.. I know it's hard. Keep up with the whole not worrying yourself plan, as best you can!

[inspiredjulie]

Ok, so I don't have time to read this, but will later, but wanted to stop by for a hello... miss you!

[forever21]

Thanks, girlie!!! I missed you too. It was great to talk with you today! You're doing great. Thanks for listening!!!

Uggg. I am not clear what to do right now.

I'm going to go do some stream-of-consciousness journaling after I journal some here, as that oftentimes helps my brain organize all the pieces. H is offering all of this stuff right now by email. He sent them in the middle of the night. Fortunately, he hadn't tried calling from shortly after midnight until just a bit ago. I haven't listened to any of the voicemails, but just read the emails. I'm thinking I should reply.

I don't like how he's going about things though. It still looks to me like he's trying to scare me into doing things his way. He's still acting like a child. He says I'm "doing this to" him, and to please not "make" him act so pathetic and have to beg for something he wants and thinks he deserves. He is so desperate for this to go through, and he's promising a lot in return. The thing is, none of that does any good without some signed contracts and even then he could just change his mind.... and though I don't understand the bankruptcy laws, my understanding is he could file for that and walk away from those agreements.

H said he only has until the end of this week for this deal. Not much time. It seems like the perfect time to negatiate some things, but I'm not clear whether I should be. Uggg.

I question whether I understood the L. Did he think I should try to do mediation before or after filing for D? I guess I can just call his assistant and tell her I want to retain him as my L, and go from there. Well, mediation can't be scheduled on this short of notice so that wouldn't help for this right now, but maybe the L could draw up some agreements.???? I don't know. I feel kind of stupid, like I didn't understand everything yesterday. It just wasn't a cut and dry case, for the L even.

[forever21]

Okay. I am trying to wade through this. I called the L's office. His assistant is not helpful on the phone. But I liked her in person, and she is going to check with the L and get back to me.... or he might. There were no openings in his schedule until Monday. It sounds like his offer to let me hire him by the hour without retaining him is not normal practice for him. A good sign for me, I guess.

I just read through every word of the emails my H sent. There is a lot of stuff there. Much of it BS. It is working on me to the extent that it makes me wonder if I should be considering some "deal" with him right now. It's really unfortunate he didn't let me know much earlier on that he was planning on trying to purchase this house. It'd been more likely that we could have worked something out. Doubt we can work now, with this kind of rush. I felt mad about that for a moment earlier while I was reading his spew, but I let go of that real quick. It's simply very unfortunate and not my fault at all. I can use to be validated on that. I need the reminders, to hear it. Well, don't "need" it, but it's really helpful.

I'm gonna share just the ending paragraph from his last email here. He says any divorce attorney in this state would jump at his offer, btw. Okay, here goes.....
"I will fight to the bitter end to make this work, to have something, to let you have something also. But please don't make me fight for this until I am bitter. That will do neither of us any good. We have worked too hard for that because if I have no choice and am left with no compromise and backed into a corner I will just say f#@k it. I have nothing now nor nothing to look forward to if we can't make this work. So why at that point would I even care? I would just say f#@k it and piss everything away because I will be left with no pot to even piss in. I in NO way want that to ever be the case...."

So, this is a good example of where he's coming from. I know, I'm not backing him into a corner. I did send a text to him saying that I'm sorry he put himself in this position. H's saying he'd sign a quit claim on our house, so I could have all the equity in it. I don't know that there really is a lot right now, with our HELOC on top of the mortgage. He also stated in one of the emails that he will never leave me high and dry with payments, EVER. Well, he's already done that. He's irritating.

I hope this L can help me, because this is starting to make me feel like I should be making a deal with H. H wants to know what I need. He says he would do anything to take any risk away for me. Without talking to the L again, I don't know if this is an option. I really need legal advice.

[forever21]

Hey Nikki. I see I didn't reply to you. Anywho, THANKS! It meant a lot to read your post last night before I went to bed. I'm really trying to get back on that 'not worrying myself plan'. I know I've been reacting to H today, and need to stop and let go of this.

I guess he is effectively making me think/feel like maybe I should take his offers now or it will get ugly. I do get how he'd like to be in a house of his own, and I don't want to be the one to rob him of that. But he chose to handle things in this order. I told him he's backed himself in a corner. But I'll admit to you all that I'm fighting to not feel backed into a corner right now myself. I know better, I really do. It just makes me feel bad. I have to stay strong, and NOT enable him.

[inspiredjulie]

he chose to handle things in this order

Bingo... He did this. Not you. You don't have the power to keep him from anything. He is doing this.

I'm fighting to not feel backed into a corner right now myself

Sweetie, drop that rope. It's not a tug-of-war, it's a drowning man trying to pull you down with him. Don't react.

It just makes me feel bad

Of course you feel bad, you're human. But don't feel guilty. that is a big difference. Be true to yourself.

I have to stay strong, and NOT enable him.

And we are all behind you, sweetie. Don't let him pressure you. This is the same old same old for him. He wants something, he pouts and threatens and stomps his foot until he gets it. So, just don't react to his tantrum. YOU DIDN'T CREATE THIS!

Love you.

[forever21]

Thanks, Jules!!!!!

This post of yours was really helpful to me today. You're right. I know this is his problem. It's pretty evident that he has serious problems too. It was great talking with you again tonight. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Love you!

[forever21]

It's still a tough situation for me right now. Though I know better, I'm finding it very difficult not to sympathize too much with my H. I think I'm staying strong enough though. Trying, definitely.

Thank you Julie, Kim07, and Kman!!!!!!! I can't tell you how much your support has helped me out.

Last night I listened to a voicemail H left for me in the evening (still haven't listened to the previous ones) and he was crying. It made me feel so bad. He has been so pushy. When I was listening to him on that VM though it was hard not to feel sorry for him. He says he just wants a house to live in, that it's only fair, he works hard, wants both of us to walk away from this having something, etc. I get that and would like the same. I think he means well deep down, I just don't think he's being realistic. He's also very likely being pressured by OW.

Some of what he's saying makes sense. I'd love to be able to make a deal with him that is good for both of us so we can move on with the least amount of damage, and not waste money having the lawyers battle it out. The big fat red light, as Kman put it, is that there's such a big rush. I'm thinking.... if it's looking too good to be true, walk away. Not that easy when I know it's a good idea to jump at the opportunity when the WAS is motivated and being generous, and since I'm in a place where I'm ready and fine with moving on myself. It's a red flag to me that H is saying exactly that though... that I should not pass up this deal, etc. I just don't know if there's any agreements we can put in place that will remove enough of the risk for me. I need to talk more with the L.

Yesterday I was still open to "just talk" to H with the help of a mediator and H called to set that up, but when the mediator called and spoke with me he thought I wasn't ready. I think the guy was doing what was right, but it was frustrating because it made it look like I backed out.

It turns out the deadline H gave me of the end of this week wasn't honest... go figure. He apparently has till the 24th and is going to try to get that moved till the end of this month. I told him I understand what he is offering right now but I need to talk to a lawyer who represents me before I can start negotiating with him. I called the L's office again this morning because his assistant hadn't gotten back to me yesterday, and their office is closed today.

[Kman]

It turns out the deadline H gave me of the end of this week wasn't honest... go figure. He apparently has till the 24th and is going to try to get that moved till the end of this month.

What a surprise. And if you still won't budge by then I bet he can find a way SOMEHOW to move the deadline back yet again...and again...and again...

You are doing really well staying strong in the face of his full-court press. It's the right thing for YOU, don't forget that - what's best for him is SECONDARY to what's best for you...

Kev