It's nice to hear from you. I'm glad that you are not a cold-hearted biotch, as you put it. That is important. And I'm sure if you were, HFF would not be so sad that his marriage is at this point. We would like to hear your side of the story. Of course, we are not professional counselors or anything like that. We are people with lives and problems of our own. We come here and often find people who understand. Sometimes, we find people who tell us to quit feeling sorry for ourselves and fix the mess we're in. So it's not all hugs and pats on the back.
My take on the situation is that you are looking for love and understanding from a man other than your husband, for whatever reason. I don't know your reasons. I will admit that I once did that too. I could not seem to get what I needed at home. I watched Dr. Phil and he said that we needed to ask our spouse for what we needed. So I had a conversation with my H about that. And I told him I needed to be loved. He said "OK." And that was the end of that. So Dr. Phil did not solve my problem.
In my situation things came to a crisis point not when I had an affair, but many years later when my husband had one. I had always thought of him as sort of a consolation prize. I would keep him unless something better came along. And in 27 years, nothing better did come along. But that didn't make me happy with him. Then he had an affair, and I realized that someone else wanted him. That I not only could, but I had already lost him. So it was time to really think about what I wanted.
And for my own reasons, I decided that the life we had built wasn't so bad. I wanted to keep it. But I had a lot of work to do to get it back.
A friend suggested Retrouvaille to me. I'd never heard of it. But we had tried marital counseling several years ago, and it was not cheap, and led nowhere. So I wasn't anxious to try it again. The idea of 2 days to go somewhere and be taught how to work on the marriage sounded good. After all, it was a retreat. At least we would get away.
We went to Retrouvaille in January, 2007. And the most amazing thing happened. I'm not kidding. I went in there with all my hurt feelings from 27 years, and he went in with his hostility, and it all melted away. In 2 days. I still can't explain how it works.
So if you are willing to make any effort at all to save your marriage and all that you have built with your husband in I don't know how many years, I suggest you give Retrouvaille a try. It is only 2 days of your life. What do you do on a weekend that is more important?
The website is http://www.helpourmarriage.com. A list of locations and weekends is available on the website. You have a man who wants to work with you. Maybe he doesn't know how. Maybe you don't know how. But in only 2 days they can teach you. That is so much easier, and in the end better, than starting all over with someone new. I'll tell you the truth, there isn't anybody out there without baggage, I've checked.
