Thanks for posting on my thread. It HAS been a lot to deal with, but being here lets me know I'm far from alone.
I can completely relate to your frustrations of the day. I agree with Acorn et al that you might want to bring up what you DO need from your H to help with your insecurities at a calmer time. Hard given your sitch, but probably worth the effort.
Have you tried writing him a letter outlining clearly what actions on his part would help you through this? Would he be receptive to such?
I had a dose or two of the patronizing stuff. H "asking" if he could get on line, saying he'd write out everything he spent with withdrawals from the bank...not helpful. Makes us feel "small" for being so "petty".
Have you (and more importantly has HE) read "After the Affair"? Very helpful. Dr. Phil also suggests that after an affair, the one who strays SHOULD be an open book. Without us having to pursue or wonder.
I must say it's been easier on me as my H has been away from work for the last 7 months. Had he gone back, I too would be agonizing over the late hours and especially the business trips (shudder!).
Hope you find some way to deal with this, and if you do, let us all know, because those feelings crop up over here from time to time too.
h is aware of my needs and does his best to meet them...it is me who often forgets to see the forest through the trees. have to keep reminding myself..h is not me..h will not use my words but his own and realize that though the words are different they have the same meaning.
so I didn't get that hug...but I did get asked to sit on the couch and cuddle where I once again fell asleep...I have not fallen asleep on the couch with h or alone in YEARS if ever...so it says something for me and I believe it also says something to h...LL is comfortable.
so when h woke this am I offered to make another crossaint sandwich for him..he noted there was already a leftover english muffin one and took that.
h needs more socks...so I think we'll go out today and pick him up some...may grab him a few shirts too.
when h was leaving this am he let me know he was off to a dealership to drop off his truck for some repairs and then would be in the office for the day...may be in and out...the cell is on so to just alert him if I'm looking for him.
I didn't even ask so it was nice of him to offer the info.
so well I guess yesterday was not as bad as I thought it was.
to be honest I am getting a bit fearfull...it was last easter that h up and said..."i can't do this anymore" and 3 days later left...I don't see us heading in that direction again but I know I will be a bit restless about it in the comming weeks.
Like you said to me don't think about last year. You have had many good times since then. H is even telling you today about his schedule. Don't let fear have any power over you. You are a wise, strong, beautiful woman. H sees that woman all the time. OW couldn'tnhold a candle to you. Remember that!
ok been getting more sleep lately...(falling asleep on the couch helps)
thinking I'll let my hair grow again...(cut it off while preg with dd and have kept it short)
need to get back to the gym again...been gaining a bit and don't like it at all!!! when I was first preg with dd I weighed 173 (at one of my early doc appoints) by end of preg was a wopping 217....over the summer while h was gone I got down to 145 and even though everyone thought I was getting too thin I LOVED it!!! since h's return I've gone up to 155 and HATE it!! so need to get back to the gym and also to realize that though the kids and h love to eat big breakfasts of eggs and bacon I can do with something lighter and will.
I missed cooking while h was gone...so when he came back I started going overboard cooking and cooking and baking and baking...
so as ridiculous as it may sound...I'm going to pick myself up some slimfast and some vitamins and leave all the fat foods I cook for h and the kids...I'll just enjoy dinner...
LL should add that at 5'8" those weights are not bad
oh I so want to eat the eggplant parm I just made!!! why did I have to be cursed with domestic capabilities!!??
ok that's it...LL's on a cookie strike..no more yummy homemade chocolate chip cookies for h and kids...they can have chips a hoy like the rest of the world and like em...good thing is LL doesn't like them so she wont eat them! is that mean or what?
punishing my h and children for my lack of dicipline??? they'll still have cookies they just wont be mine.
Quoting lostlove: to be honest I am getting a bit fearfull...it was last easter that h up and said..."i can't do this anymore" and 3 days later left...I don't see us heading in that direction again but I know I will be a bit restless about it in the comming weeks.
I can relate as I went through something similar last month. The best advise I can give is hang in there, LL ... ride it out ... and you will arrive on the other side alright.
This week, I've been watching "Children of Dune" on SciFi. I had read the novels during my teenage summers (Can you say "NERD"). Repeated through out the story is a mantra that applies to DBing as well:
Fear is the mind-killer... I will face my fear ... I will let it pass through me ...
In essence, accept that these thought will happen and it is OK that they do, but when they do occur, acknowledge that you need to let them go. Forcefully dismiss them from your mind if need be rather than hold onto them. If you continue to ponder these thoughts, they start to consume you. If you take action based on these thoughts, they can lead to the destruction of the empire. (A little over the top, I know, but point made I hope) .
How you go about finding a way for these fears to pass through you is different for each person. You will need to find what works for LL, but the answer can't require something from H. It must come from within.
Until you can find the answer, as Bridget has aleady said, when the thoughts occur, DO NOTHING in terms of R, ... ride it out ... don't act upon those thoughts until the mind clears ... One means now in how to interpret allowing the fear to pass through you.
If your into SciFi, this is a classic trilogy and the TV channel has done it just in converting it into a mini-series.
But I know what you mean. About the only good thing (not really) about getting the proverbial 2X4 is the weight loss without really trying.
I lost about 10 lbs and loved it. Then things started getting better, I started cooking more, snacking in the evenings with H more and viola! Back they came (well 8 of them anyway).
So I'm cutting back a tad myself too, and getting back into a more regular work-out schedule. I'd like to weigh 120 (give or take 2 lbs) by my birthday...already 1 1/2 pounds down since the weekend.
KAW, what is the difference between living in fear and living with your eyes open?
I understand that sometimes our eyes see things that we then place meaning based upon our fears.
ie. how my foolish mind works...yet again last night I fell asleep on the couch with h (this is a record for me I fall asleep no where but in my bed) I woke to find him asleep on the other couch then we both went up to bed.
this am I saw an empty container of cookies in the trash...h had been awake before I awoke...
I checked his cell to see if he made calls while I was asleep...I check our phone to see the last # dialed out but have no way of knowing what time that call was made and don't really know who's # it is anyway...
I start to think...h is giving me what I want...inviting me to sit on the couch with him...cuddling...kissing my nose...giving me the extra ( ) then waiting til I'm cozy and asleep in his arms trusting that it's for real...only for him to slide away once I drift off to be on his own eating cookies.
is that the way it is??
I don't know...maybe the couch was just to squished with two of us on it...but why not wake me and say hey let's go up to bed?? as I do when I wake?
why do I have this doubt that this is real and will last?? because I lived without it for so long...before h even left for me to be invited to sit with him? unheard of...I would be asked not to sit with him if I attempted to...am I living in fear...waiting to see what's gonna jump out around the corner...is it keeping me from getting comfortable with what is being given (well I am falling asleep so I don't know)
PNT
only women truly understand how great an effect a measily 5 or 10 pounds can have on your pma!!
Tony,
if I could send you some eggplant I would...but I had to promise fil that I'd save him some and that will be hard enough...he garunteed he'd be over for it tonight..but I can't garuntee there'll be any left!! ha ha
so yesterday I got a call from the ambulance director...I am not a criminal so they'll let me volunteer...tonight I have been asked to attend their anual award meeting to meet some of the members and get set up with a beeper and take the next steps...I am nervous but I'll do fine..
) then waiting til I'm cozy and asleep in his arms trusting that it's for real...only for him to slide away once I drift off to be on his own eating cookies.