I need support

[cat03]

I know this is hard to comprehend, but you must accept that you CAN make it alone for you to be able to function and be able to wait for him. It might not make sence, but once you realize you are in charge of your happiness you will rid yourself of that anxiety that is torturing you now and making you feel hopeless.

Don't read too much into him coming over or staying over, take it all at face value to give him a chance to do things (without strings attached) or get close without you reading too much into it, he might not be ready to come back just yet. Easy does it.

[HSSweetheart]

So I was asked on Sunday to "deliver" the kids to him. I didn't want to but did. And the kids were staying over there today since they had the holiday off, so they were told to pack a lunch as pop-pop didn't have much for them to eat. That bothers me, he is their parent and he hasn't done so much as gone food shopping to supply them with stuff to eat. Generally they make lunch at my house and bring it with them. And he seems to be having them 4 days during the week to my 3, but mine are weekend so I get full days and he hasn't. Anyone had experience in this? I for obviously reasons will not discuss this with him, but I think it is utterly irresponsible. What do you all think?

[HSSweetheart]

P.S. Sent Son11 over last night with a cot so now they have a cot and a blow up mattress to sleep on over there. Pitiful. IN a room that has no heat. But I am told they now have a heater in the room. It is usually in the 50's in their room.

[cat03]

what? that is inconceivable! you should've have to send them with food! perhaps a snack or so but this has to stop, he has to take full responsability.

===========
... I for obviously reasons will not discuss this with him
...didn't have much for them to eat
==============
why? if anything, kids sometimes are the only reason separated couples talk to each other. Is he paying child support? what is his excuse for having you provide food on his time? I do think this should be discussed, H should be providing beds not you, and the room has no heat? that is no correct, if a social service person where to know that he would'nt be allow to do that.

I wouldn't let my kids go with their father under those conditions, that's my 2c

[HSSweetheart]

He is paying something. Voluntary, nothing court ordered. I think he considers it half the mortgage and medical for himself and kids. I am told by lawyers that it is probably more than I would get by their charts so I don't question it for now.

The room has never had heat. He grew up in it. It is on the 2nd floor and the other room across from it had the heat so you have to leave the door open to heat the entire floor upstairs. Stupid, I know. His father finished it in the 50's when they bought it and did that. He actually likes it cold. Guess he is used to it.

The kids ended up having peanut butter sandwiches.

If I make things difficult for him he will do the same back and he can do more damage to me than I can to him. And I don't want it to get nasty.

How depressing, went for my annual GYN today and told him the news. He wanted to check me for STD's! I started crying. Everyone assumes there is an OW. He talked to me about anti-depressants, he was really nice. Bet he had to clear out the cobwebs for the exam!

[HSSweetheart]

Sunday he asked me to bring the kids to him. Didn't want to but did. (I won't go in the house) Today he wants me to pick them up from there. Now I don't get out of work until 6, so I won't be there until 6:30. Then by the time I get home and get dinner it will be 7 or later. Is this fair? In my mind, if he was the one to leave and cause this mess he should be the one doing the pick up and drop offs. He picked them up at my house and took them to his so that he could do laundry he said, rather than sit at our house and do nothing until I got home 2 1/2 hrs later. I know someone in our group said she had something written up that stated that her ex would do all the driving of the kids, she has never seen his place. I agree with that! Again, I am a doormat so I said I would. And if I hadn't there would be an argument that I don't want and I would be the bad guy. I never wanted this and now it just keeps finding more ways to screw me.

And on top of home life my work life is a wreck. My company is barely making ends meet and now my supervisor and another higher supervisor have quit. So now who knows who I will get and what freedom they will allow me, something I especially need with all this going on. P.S. I've been there 23 yrs and have 5 weeks vacation, so I don't want to change jobs and lose that. Sigh

[cat03]

If I make things difficult for him he will do the same back and he can do more damage to me than I can to him. And I don't want it to get nasty.
=============================
Expecting him to feed the children when he has them is not beign difficult, it is something that should happen by default! the kids are his responsibility when they are with him, he needs to make sure there is food for them, not you. No one is talking about being nasty,just let him know that since you feed the children when they are with you he should feed the children when they are with him.
When my H left he put some stuff on the credit card for his new appt. The cc was primarily mine so I got the bill, I told him I expected him to pay for all his purchases, he whines and complained saying there was no money, I wasn't nasty but I didn't back off, I told him I wasn't paying it and that the stuff was for him, that he had 1month to give me the money. He gave me the money the next week.

You teach him how to treat you, think very well, yes, you want him back but that doesn't mean he gets away with stuff. It isn't fair, he chose to leave well then, he has to learn to be a single parent and care for his kids and feed them.

What news? he told you to get checked? dont' understand.

[HSSweetheart]

The news that he left me. Asked if there was an OW and I said no. He then asked if I wanted to get checked for STD's. Yesterday was really rough for me in so many ways, this just started it out. My son told me after we got home that a school function had been rescheduled to last night but his father told him he couldn't go - all so he could take them home and do laundry. In my mind that event was more important! I hugged him and apologized and again told him that he needs to express his distaste for this situation to his father, not just to me. I was very upset over his lack of sensitivity or caring, not sure which.

[HSSweetheart]

Cat, you would be proud of me-I am proud of myself. Just got into a conversation with H on the phone. He called to ask about car ins, which I had already explained but needed to do it again. Mentioned about the school event, nicely as I could. He said he was told about it 1/2 hr before it started, I let him have that but told him that S11 was upset he missed it and stated that it was because of all this going on. That apparently hit a nerve and he went off about everyone having to make adjustment and as he always does, reminds constantly how the situation is permanent and we better get used to it. At one point he started on the fact that I was reading DR over the weekend. I immediately cut him off at the pass and said what I read is my business and I won't discuss it and if you continue I will end this call. He finally ended it, but not after more reminders of permanency. I told him that S11 and I cannot find his gym shorts to they must be there. He said that was his problem. I said he needed to be reminded and helped and if he was unprepared enough in gym he would fail then it would be his problem. More crap ensued, and everytime he veered off onto all of his issues I cut him off and steered it straight. I told him lunchtime at work was not the time to discuss this and I would talk to him later and eventually hung up. Another issue was that he now wants a permanent visitation schedule. He always insisted on not having that. And now he is arguing that he wants me to pick the kids up after work at his house so he doesn't have to sit around mine doing nothing. I said he could make them dinner. I argued that I don't think I should have to pick them up as this is his doing for one, but for another I don't even get home until almost 7 when I did it. And I haven't eaten yet. He tried to say I wouldn't do it for my kids and I said not to throw them into it, guilt wouldn't work, it was between him and I.

[cat03]

He tried to say I wouldn't do it for my kids and I said not to throw them into it, guilt wouldn't work, it was between him and I.
================
true, he's trying to manipulate you with the kids, but you caugh on!

If he keeps insisting this is a permanent sitch, more of a reason for him to be responsible for feeding the kids with HIS money at his place. I wonder if a set schedule would be beneficial and predictable and better for the kids.

I know how kids forget and I've also been told last min. about a function at my kids' school. To avoid that, make sure you check your kids' calendar and that you let your kid know to remind his dad about an upcoming event.

Hope your job holds up, will pray for you.