Hummmmm, maybe I place too much emphasis on sex. To me it is making love. Yes, it can be fun......if you are doing it with the person you are in love with......which would lead to problems (it seems to me) if you were actually separated and there were talk of divorce. I know if my H and I were separated and then we had sex.....he would automatically think everything was "fixed" in the M. B/c when haivng sex (or as I call it, ML).....you kiss and touch intimately and usually say loving things to each other....or at least we do. So, nautrally, he would think I was ok with the R if I had sex with him. Like I said, we are old fashion and I guess our ways of thinking about sex is completely different from a lot of people now adays, but it is making love and that is strange to me if you are having M problems at the time and nothing is resovled before ML....during or afterwards. Do you just pick up where you left off with the anger, coldness, hatefulness, or having an affair or whatever the person has been doing.....after the sex act is over? I'm not trying to be difficult about this....I truly want to know b/c it just kind of amazes me that so many people feel that way about it....that's all. If it was just "stress relief".....I don't have to have another person to help do that......I find a vibrator is a lot faster and easier and it makes things a lot less complicated. In fact, if it hadn't been for that......I would have built up a lot of stress over the past eleven years. (lol) You have to excuse me.....I have to have a sense of humor in my stitch to keep my sanity. You see, the difference here to me is that that is relieving stress.....but you can't make love to a vibrator. I would resent the fact that my H would want to "use" me for something to release his stress......or even for his entertainment if we were on the verge of D.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Do you not think it is a personal thing? For me it is about ML and I think for mt H it is to. We have never been able to 'make up' by ML it has been that we have had to resolve any issues BEFORE we ML. That was why when he had an A it was especially bad and a massive betrayal. He says now he thought he was in love with OW but he knows that he wasn't.
saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
our children are 6. I think my wife is going to be in for a shock over the next year, as ours too, get more independant.
We've had problem issues for as long as we've known each other. The irony is, I think that we've done a better job of managing, and improving our communication with each other during our separation, than we did while we were living together.
I think both of us have "grown" to some degree because of it, and that we could really be happy if we used what we've found so far, and kept building on it. There's just the small detail, that she's apparently decided to look for the magic happiness pill "out there" now, instead of together as a family. sigh.
I miss my wife. The caring side of her, anyway.
[i also keep thinking about sex with her, dammit. very distracting it's been a month now.. sulk... she said she had to go see the dr. for "female problems", though, so she may have lost all SD for an extended period of time.. sniff...]
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Hi Saffie, sure I think sex is personal. It is about as personal as a person could get.....I would think. But to me, it involves a lot of your soul and heart....not just the body....at least if you are making love. That is why it is hard for me to do that when there are hard feelings that have not been resolved. I guess that is why they say some men need sex in order to make up and some women need to make up in order to have sex. Interesting, isn't it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeah - I meant how one views it is personal, and differs from one person to another. I don't think it is a male / female difference in views. My H is very like you and me in that there is more to it. Neither of us try to ML, and never have, unless we have made up first if we have had a difference of opinions!!! I don't know if it's an age thing either. I just think it is part of one's core or inner being - one's comfort zone.
It's a problem if both parties to the M don't feel the same way about it!!! saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
It's been so long since we fought that it's hard to remember how we broke it up to have fairly regular sex. It did take a small peace offering. One of us would reach across the bed for the other's hand and say, "you want to be friends?" And the other would say "OK", and then it was off to the races. We did not kiss or say loving things. It was just sex, but it put the argument to bed, so to speak.
We actually had a somewhat positive halloween together. I was looking forward to her coming over for "dinner with weekend kid pickup" thing.
Then at a birthday party we were both loosely attending, I mentioned to her, something I thought would be a POSITIVE thing:
"If you want help (moneywise) with splitting the costs of something we did, all you have to do is ask".
She got all huffy, and left.
I got brief online contact with her, to ask her why she was upset.
Her reply: "You just wanted me to BEG".
She then broke contact. and didnt show up for dinner. sent her father instead.
The impossible part: Usually, most conversation "Self help" books suggest showing empathy for the other person's situation.
Seems like in half the cases, saying to her, "Yes, I see how you could get that impression from what i did/said", makes her MORE LIKELY to hang up/leave/....
gah....
Last edited by Dom R; 11/05/0702:49 AM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
It's been a while since I last wrote to you. Remember how I said our wives were very similar? There is no pleasing them under any circumstances? That they are filled with unrelenting, undifferentiated anger? You have to face it. There is NOTHING you can do to please your w. right now, and maybe there never will be. In some cases, people turn a switch "off" and they can never turn it on again. You have to start worrying about YOU at ths point. Let her go. Don't pursue. It just gets us more anguish. Let her go. Get to the point where you can convince yourself it's over. It may not be, but if you can get there, you'll be in a much better place. I feel your pain. It is so frustrating. No matter WHAT you say, it's like walking on eggshells. You know you won't hit the target, no matter what you do. I get that feeling, but it is impossible to fix. It's in their head, not ours. It's easy for us. They don't even know why they're angry
it's been a month now.. sulk... she said she had to go see the dr. for "female problems", though, so she may have lost all SD for an extended period of time.. sniff...]