I forgot I wanted to post about something other than just the mediation and our R discussions. I meant to post about the kids also...
After the mediation yesterday, I got home a bit early. Did some work around the house and then picked up the kids from school. We had a scout meeting @ 5:30 that we went to, then came home and made dinner. W called around 6:45 to say she was on her way and to start eating without her. Dinner was very good if I do say so myself...
After dinner, we cleaned up a bit and then the kids wanted to play chess. I sat down with them in the living room and helped both of them with moves. I think it is pretty cool that my 6 and 8 year old are learning chess. My W came in after eating and sat and watched them play also. Good family moment.
We finished the game and my S had a bit of a melt down even though he won the game. (he can get very emotional especially when he's tired). We went upstairs and got them ready for bed and said goodnight. We went into our room and then had a discussion (see post above). It was actually pretty lighthearted considering the topic and there was even some joking. The other day when she had told me that she had been reading my recent posts, she mentioned that she doesn't read the success stories. I brought up Frank_D's posts on here and suggested that she should read those. I gave her a bit of background on their situation and the good outcome. After that I watched the last episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (very topical on D and funny). W fell asleep as I was watching TV.
If she is reading then maybe she can create an account and post also. I mean if she disagree's with people then she van voice her opinion.
She can't disagree with the fact that it is terrible that a spouse has an affair and breaks up a marriage. That children who deserve an intact family will always wonder why this happened. There will come a day when they do find out the truth and then will they ever look at the cheating parent the same way. Kid's are forever changed when they go through a divorce. The ideal of it always looks way easier then to fix the hard problems we are faced with. It is the chicken's way out and unfortunately this world we live in is just so numb anymore the word divorce. It is the fix all to everything. They will be magically happy again. They don't really think about how the children feel when they are shipped off from parent to parent. It tears them apart that they don't know each year who they are going to spend Christmas with. They can't even fully enjoy the holiday anyway because either way they are missing one parent. When they go to a friend's house and they see other parents in love it hurts them. They feel shame in talking about how their parents are divorced. They go through this life of living like this. But believe me children will wonder why this happened. WHY their family was ripped apart. That's when you get to say to them Hope that you loved their mother very much. You wanted more then anything to save this marriage. But she had affair and it broke up the marriage. She wanted out to find herself and her happiness. Right now she is only in her fantasy world where she can have her fun. She isn't really understanding or wanting to think about what this will do to her children for the rest of their lives.
If she is reading then maybe she can create an account and post also. I mean if she disagree's with people then she van voice her opinion.
I've also thought it would be interesting to see her post on here. I've read a few posts from other WAS's and it is helpful to get their perspective on things.
Quote:
She can't disagree with the fact that it is terrible that a spouse has an affair and breaks up a marriage. That children who deserve an intact family will always wonder why this happened. There will come a day when they do find out the truth and then will they ever look at the cheating parent the same way. Kid's are forever changed when they go through a divorce. The ideal of it always looks way easier then to fix the hard problems we are faced with. It is the chicken's way out and unfortunately this world we live in is just so numb anymore the word divorce. It is the fix all to everything. They will be magically happy again. They don't really think about how the children feel when they are shipped off from parent to parent. It tears them apart that they don't know each year who they are going to spend Christmas with. They can't even fully enjoy the holiday anyway because either way they are missing one parent. When they go to a friend's house and they see other parents in love it hurts them. They feel shame in talking about how their parents are divorced. They go through this life of living like this. But believe me children will wonder why this happened. WHY their family was ripped apart. That's when you get to say to them Hope that you loved their mother very much. You wanted more then anything to save this marriage. But she had affair and it broke up the marriage. She wanted out to find herself and her happiness. Right now she is only in her fantasy world where she can have her fun. She isn't really understanding or wanting to think about what this will do to her children for the rest of their lives.
Ouch!! If she's still reading my posts, she's gonna dislike you Trying!!
I agree with everything you say, and as we both came from divorced families, I never wanted to see this happen to us. She does acknowledge this as one possible outcome, but she believes that since we are both caring, good parents that things will be different. That after the D, we will still be able to jointly raise the kids in a healthy, balanced, loving atmosphere. She has also told me many times that this is not a selfish act because she wants me to find the happiness that she feels she can't give me.
I'm not convinced on either count. I'm very much concerned with how the kids will adapt to living in a joint custody situation and I do believe that we could give each other the love that we deserve if we give it time and effort.
If she is reading then maybe she can create an account and post also. I mean if she disagree's with people then she van voice her opinion.
I just had a humorous thought... Any time we discuss the DBing message board, my W lets me know how much she dislikes it and how I'm getting support from complete strangers. She always asks if I'm talking to friends and family about the situation as if that would be more healthy. (I had in the beginning, but decided it was better to not give them so many details) Anyhow I was thinking that maybe she's mad because there are no support groups out there for a cheating spouse.
Oh sure she gets mad because what she is doing is wrong. I mean really think about it if it was right she wouldn't care what we say here. We may be strangers but unfortunately have something in common. We have been through this.
Let me tell you a story about my grandpa. He was cheater. He walked away from a wife that loved him and two children. He was insistent on the divorce, needed to find his happiness, other woman wasn't to blame for this, blah, blah. Same old story of the cheating spouse and that was like 44 years ago. The kid's were teeangers (my dad) and I think they suspected what happened but grandma didn't tell them. But when they got older and they asked she did tell them the truth. You know what they have no respect for him. They love him and help take care of him out of obligation. But let me tell you their hearts aren't in it. They can't even stand the thought of him living with any of them. They will visit but the thought of him there all the time. Now their mom the one that wanted an intact family and was good and pure they would do anything for. They love and respect her so much. So even into adulthod divorce affects you. It changes the way you feel about your parents when they do it. If I were you and she is insistebt about filing I WOULD file and get her on grounds of adultery.
Sorry this got so long....Since you all know that I've been reading my husband posts I will respond with my side and opinions. It's funny that I have to go online and sneak a peek at his posts to find out what he is feeling and thinking. You'd think that if he wanted to make this marrige work he'd talk to me about what is on his mind instead of having to talk to "strangers" this way. Over the past 13 years this has always been a major issue during our disagreements. I say disagreements because we never actually fight. Some people say this is good, but sometimes you need to just do it, just fight. We don't "fight" per se so apparently everything is just ducky.
I know this is a source of support for him, it's made him feel better, given him some suggestions, etc. So I've resigned myself to just let it go. It really doesn't matter where he gets the support i guess - i would just think that family would be better. JMHO
As far as my reasoning for wanting to divorce - i've said it over and over again to my H that it has nothing to do with OG. The OG happened because I haven't been happy. I'm no longer seeing OG, last I talked to him (weeks ago) he and his W were going to counseling and working on their own marriage. HFF - you have agreed that you know that OG is not the reason i want a divorce. You have realized OG happened because I have not been happy. It cannot be blamed on that situation.
I am a child of divorce so i certainly do know how it can affect the children. In my opinion my parents divorce should have been handled much differently. If my father didn't just walk away i wouldn't have become the second parent at 12 years old. If they didn't bash on each other in convos with me, i would have more respect for each of them. If he didn't just move away to another state and then say he didn't have the money to see us, i would have a better relationship with him. All of that crap could have been avoided and WILL be avoided. HFF is a wonderful father and i know that he and I will not do the things my parents did. I may be very much like my mother but i am very different also in that I would NEVER bash their father in front of them or to them. I wouyld not abuse them the way i was. They are the most important things to me. I Love them more than words can describe!!!!!
Just remember that you are hearing only one side of the story and in some of the posts here things have been a little embelished or not quite accurately explained. All of this I'm sure to make his plight seem that much more difficult for him. I do feel horrible for hurting HFF but I'm also tired of pretending that everything is wonderful. It's not, for me it hasn't been for a very long time. It has not been an easy decision for me to make - to end my marriage, uproot the kids etc. Yes i cry in the bathroom after dinner, i'm not a cold- hearted Biotch like everyone here thinks. HFF - you know that i am not.
Just remember that you are hearing only one side of the story and in some of the posts here things have been a little embelished or not quite accurately explained. All of this I'm sure to make his plight seem that much more difficult for him. I do feel horrible for hurting HFF but I'm also tired of pretending that everything is wonderful. It's not, for me it hasn't been for a very long time. It has not been an easy decision for me to make - to end my marriage, uproot the kids etc. Yes i cry in the bathroom after dinner, i'm not a cold- hearted Biotch like everyone here thinks. HFF - you know that i am not.
We still only have one side of the story. Everyone here has heard every conceivable angle as justification why another does not want to be married. Your happiness is not HHF's responsibility. That rests upon you.
I didn't make my X wife happy either. She is remarried now and farther from that happiness she hoped she would find. Sadly, you don't realize that you will repeat this scenario. Try to run but the demons will always follow you until you deal with them. I wish you luck and admire your bravery.
