I think you are at the point of asking for what you want, but....
It sounds like you often do it from a place of need/fear/anxiety. Maybe it would be more productive to think about what you want during those times, and then bring it up when you are feeling safe and loved.
"I feel very safe and loved right now. It's wonderful and its because of you. But sometimes I feel insecure, this is my problem, but it will take awhile to resolve. In the meantime, I'd like to ask you how I can ask you for some reasurrance when I need it that won't feel threatening, blaming, or controlling to you--cause that's not what it's about."
Just an idea. My H panics, gets defensive, etc when I try to talk about my feelings when I am in the throws of them. It is much easier for him to hear me when I am calm and rational.
