thought I'd start a new thread as the old one has gotten rather full.
things are going rather well since my calling the lawyer...it all seems to be there...we seem to be a "normal" happily married couple all be it with issues.
what I am having a hard time with is trust.
maybe it is harder for me to trust because of the nature of h's work..
h is his own boss...has his own schedule...does his own thing..I honestly don't know where he is all day or what he is doing...
I try to trust that he is not doing anything wrong..but then the old mind wanders...
what if he's talking to ow.. what if he's seeing ow... what if he's drinking lunch with buddie... what if he's just going to the office to get away from me.. what if he's just being nice to me so that he can have his family and stay at home... what if he's just biding his time here and keeping ow in his life til the kids are grown and he can go be with her without causing them pain (as if)
what if I just stop these thoughts and trust... what if in doing that I set myself up to be really hurt...more so than when he left the first time...cause you see I wasn't happy with the r then but am becomming happy with it now...if it turns out to be a lie then this time I will truly be hurt.
what if I could make it all go away? would I want to?
I just don't know
I am happy and content and then I am afraid and angry as well...
most of the time my anger comes from a fear that there is more to the story than I will ever know...
I don't know where to go from here..
I don't know what I am supposed to do with these feelings..
will they go away??
will I ever be at peace with h??
what will it take for that to happen??
I wish h could tell me that he loves me with words...
I wish h could write me a letter...
I wish h could say something...
but for now I will find that peace in his arms...that was always where I felt safe anyway...starting to feel safe there again and appreciating the fact that my attempts at affection (even non-sexual) are not rejected as they were prior to all this mess.
I just want all this crap out of my head...
I want to enjoy the life I have...the h I have...the home we have...the family we have...
