Why can't I do this....

[houndfan]

And so the confusion continues...

Yesterday, I did my best to avoid contact with W for the day after the events of the last couple of days. I am very busy at work and thought that it would be a great diversion to my life to focus on some upcomming projects and trips that I have.

One of the issues through our marriage has been my schedule and my commitment to my role. So yesterday at about 5 she called and told me that she was very sick and in a sweet little voice asked if I would come and take care of her and help with the boys. Of course I would! I told her yes, that I would leave work immediately which I know surprised her because at no point in our marriage had I ever done so.

As I am driving home, I called her to confirm what she and the boys needed and made a list (another new thing for me!). During the conversation we talked briefly about Turkey day and how that would work out. She continued to impress upon me that this is over and that she wants nothing more than to move on, but that she wants to make sure that our kids have a good holiday. I made mention that I would really like to cook with her so that when I am on my own I can make a turkey. She was surprised and said that I have never wanted to help before, and I said that maybe we need to start a tradition.

After that she asked me when I first knew that I loved her. I told her that there have been 2 times in our R once 8 years ago and then again a few weeks ago after this all started. I explained the difference of the two events and she sounded very pleased. She then told me when it was that she fell in love with me. Interesting b/c she has been saying all this time that there was never any love and that this had all been a ruse. But it felt so good to hear it again.

We had some more small talk about whatever and I let her go so I could manage traffic, and my excitement. I spent some time on the drive really setting myself up for the night, no expectations etc. I got to the grocery and got the items she wanted and then went next door to the deli for the soup etc. Hurried home....

Got home and she was on the couch boys were up stairs. I prepared her dinner complete with her favorite sandwhich from the deli which I am not sure she knew that I knew that she loved. Anyway, she did not say anything to me. But she seemed calm, for once it was a night with no grief in the house at all. I fed the boys, cleaned the kitchen, and helped S7 with his homework. When I was done, I made some brownies for everyone.

I had decided that once the brownies were done that I would go back to where I am staying and get ready for my trip today. As I was preparing to leave she asked if I would like to stay and watch a movie with her. I agreed. Sat on the couch with her for the movie and from time to time she would ask if I would rub her feet for her. Then it would get too comfortable and she would ask me to stop or tell me that I need to stop trying to find reasons to touch her, which I know that she is correct about but I am having difficulty finding the strength to stop that.

Once the movie was over I put the dog away, cleaned up the rest of the dishes and while I was leaving the kitchen she gave me a hug and told me that she loved me. I hugged her back and said the same and went to kiss boys. As I was getting ready to leave, I stopped by the bedroom to say goodbye, she asked me about the parenting plan that I had sent yesterday and we talked a little about it. I asked again if she would like to goto a marriage encounter or C? No she said, I do not want to be with you. "Maybe I gave you the wrong idea tonight."

Well I said she hadn't and that any ideas are coming from me. She smiled. I went to leave and she told me again that she loved me but that she just wanted to be friends and that we could be perfect together as friends. She even went so far as to tell me that next year when we are back home she expects that I will have a SO and that she will invite me and my parents and my SO over for holiday because she is a such a great cook and that would be so good for boys. I did not comment on that crazy idea.

Anyhoo....I had a great night sleep last night thinking about my trip today and my night last night. On my way to the airport, I called to see how she was feeling, we talked about what she had to do over the next couple of days and I offered to cut one of my trips short if she was still sick on Friday.

At the end of the call, she again told me how proud she was of me and that she loved me. This time before I had said anything to her....


So is this progress? Is this crazy? How can she change on a dime after telling me the other night that she was falling for Om and that she couldn't give herself to two people. Now she is saying she loves me. I am afraid that this is just softening the blow.

I am still no where near being back in the house, nor do I think that I have made enough progress on my own issues to be back with my family. But, this is very confusing. Have any of you had this kind of overnight turnaround?

Oh, one thing that she said last night that caught me off-guard:
I explained to her that I will continue to do everything that I can to fix myself and that my goal is that we move back home as a family in a few months. She said that it is no longer about what I have done? What the heck? She has turned her own 180 in that this seperation and possible D is no longer about the lies and cheating and stuff that I did? What is it about then?

Thoughts?