Well, in the interest of giving the BB a chuckle at my expense, I thought I would share the fact that recently GP implied that my essential personality is like that of Edith Bunker. His theory is that my 2bx was a particularly dysfunctional version of Archie in relation to me because he didn't have Archie's core "old school" masculine values or base level of affection. GP made the point that to the outside observer it is obvious that Edith is really the stronger character. GP believes that my 2bx is an idiot because if he had just provided me with a bit more security and affection, I would have felt safe in my la-la-land of Sunshine Family irrational optimism and functioned very well in a sort of June Cleaver/ Doris Day manner. Anyway, GP is a man who has been in quite a few LTRs and he has come to the conclusion that he would rather deal with a women who has whatever set of character flaws I share with Edith Bunker than a woman who has the opposite set which he sums up with the word "fickle".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
It's not really the case that GP thinks I am "just" like Edith Bunker, even though he thinks that is a good thing. Really what is going on is that he has combined my bunny and my cow into the stereotypical Edith Bunker like persona but he has also combined my monkey and my lioness into another persona which he likes which might be described as "the loyal slutty smart mafia wife". Anyway, I am continuing my training as Gambler's moll which really is a fun role for me because of my actuarial background and the fact that thanks to Denise Austin my figure is now 40/29/41 and thanks to the fact that I am in the company of a man who is 6'5" and tough looking I can wear 5 inch heels on top of my 5'9" so if I put on a black bodysuit and some low slung gray pinstripe slacks and some bright red lipstick pretty much all the old guys in the high stakes room look up from their game when I walk in which maybe I wouldn't like if I was more differentiated or mature but so what. Now you might think that it is stupid for somebody with an actuarial background to hangout with a gambler but GP plays with a team of controlled throwers so it ends up being basically a hobby/sport that pays for itself for him. My job is to stop idiots from placing their chips in the way of the throw or from crowding the thrower/shooter. If things go well I will get paid in chips and even if things go not so well I get all the shrimp I can eat from the buffet so it's win-win for me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I don't see Edith but the mafia wife thing I can see. I have a lot of that loyalty in me too -it is part of what gets me in trouble in LTR's. I would like to think that I am not so stupid as to misplace my loyalty in an R with someone untrustworthy but yet, I have already done that, more than once, in different ways. If I think about it I have, in part, selected men who are also loyal. My ex was loyal to me, a child in many ways, emotionally tore me down but would have been content to continue as long as I stayed around for it. H is also loyal to me and seems content to have me hang out despite the fact that he displays little sexual attraction to me and that we share a roomate R. Your H would have done the same except that you pushed the envelope too far and made him and you choose. What is about me (or you) that seems to inspire that loyalty and what is it that causes us to be loyal to our detriment? Watch this with GP and anyone else you are with. It is ok to have fun but don't get too caught up to recognize if the fun is over and you need to join another party. Do what is good for MJ.
It sounds to me that your sex drive may be tanking because, in the instance of you visiting him on a Thursday... HE didn't take it up a notch. I think it is fine you are sexually confident, and that you can go 'wherever,' but it doesn't sound to me like he is.... using that to his advantage, especially in a 'leading' manner.
Therefore, I think you might be feeling confused... because he is sending out confusing vibes, and you really aren't sure how to read it. I don't know that either of you is trying to confuse the other, but the fact that you both have baggage ain't helping the sitch... you are both acting reflexively from years of conditioning, and neither one of you may actually KNOW what the 'confusion' is all about.
So. You are just going to have to spit it out.
"I'm confused."
"Why?"
Explain. I think you will be able to muddle through from there.
I don't see Edith but the mafia wife thing I can see.
LOL- Well, one thing that maybe doesn't come across about my personality on this BB is that in real life I am the kind of person who other people tease all the time because I'm in such an absent-minded fog or babbling about some dorky theory so often and my reaction to being teased is sort of a slow-reaction flustered good-humored embarrassment which the "teasers" find quite hilarious and encouraging of further teasing. My children, my younger sisters, most of my good friends and BFs current and past have done this so I am reconciled to it as long as it isn't mean-spirited. Also, I recognize that it is a method others use to get my "attention" which is always in short supply. GP teases me by staring at me and making over-the-top comments about my physical appearance ( the man actually said something like "You are prettier than a basket full of speckled puppies" to me the other day)and my only defense is to become physically affectionate (if I kiss him he can't stare at me or continue to say such embarrassing things) so I am frequently "flustered and affectionate" in his presence which makes me like Edith Bunker.
However, I don't always fall to "bunny" around him. I was at the vitamin store with him and he was joking around with this other guy in his 50s who was working there about all the natural versions of Viagra and Extenz etc. they were displaying for sale and implying "I don't need that stuff." which I found semi-annoying so as we were exiting I said to the other guy "Yeah, he just gets by on dating significantly younger women." GP just shook his head and said "That's cold, baby. That's cold."
Quote:
What is about me (or you) that seems to inspire that loyalty and what is it that causes us to be loyal to our detriment?
That is an excellent question and one that I have been asking myself lately. It kind of goes along with my odd theory that my "problem" might be less that I am strongly HD but that I am strongly HD and strongly monogamous. It made me feel quite anxious when I was dating more than one man at the same time even though I wasn't being sexual with any of them. Also, I was reflecting on the fact that I have never ended a relationship with a man/boy with whom I have had sex except for seriously serious reasons. Pretty much if I am your girlfriend you have to do a series of things like cheat on me with another girl and then laugh at me when I ask you not to rip the branches off the baby trees on the playground in order to get me to finally turn cold.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I said to the other guy "Yeah, he just gets by on dating significantly younger women." GP just shook his head and said "That's cold, baby. That's cold."
Ouch! What prompted you do say something so mean?
I'm not saying that his remark to the other guy wasn't annoying... that kind of thing annoys the heck out of me, too, but to comment on it out loud to a stranger? Blecch.
And no fair saying: 1) "I was just kidding" as though a joke can't hurt, 2) he was fine with it, it didn't bother him, 3) he knows I didn't mean it.
I'm asking why YOU did it, NOT whether it bothered him deeply.
He would be more than willing to drive out and visit me but there are practical reasons and reasons that are my "fault" that this doesn't happen. We live an hour and a half away from each other but he lives only 45 minutes from an area I frequently drive to for business and social reasons. Also, his home is better set up for entertainment than mine because he has stuff like giant waterbeds and big screen TVs and he is near lots of theaters and restaurants etc. Plus he doesn't have hundreds of banker boxes full of books stored in a house which is half unheated with a leaky roof in one of the bathrooms and a dog who hates strange men and he doesn't sleep on a futon on the floor of an abandoned boys room with Tasmanian Devil wallpaper decor. One of the big reasons I was saying I shouldn't be dating now is that as far as I am concerned I am pretty much "homeless" at the moment. I have zero motivation to engage in any nesting behavior in the ruins of my former life. I really need to unload this place and get something new and little I can deal with psychologically and financially.
Quote:
It sounds to me that your sex drive may be tanking because, in the instance of you visiting him on a Thursday... HE didn't take it up a notch. I think it is fine you are sexually confident, and that you can go 'wherever,' but it doesn't sound to me like he is.... using that to his advantage, especially in a 'leading' manner.
Therefore, I think you might be feeling confused... because he is sending out confusing vibes, and you really aren't sure how to read it. I don't know that either of you is trying to confuse the other, but the fact that you both have baggage ain't helping the sitch... you are both acting reflexively from years of conditioning, and neither one of you may actually KNOW what the 'confusion' is all about.
You have to understand that part of the problem is a lot of men don't "believe" in HDW. GP is "better" in that regard than most men because he was in a couple situations when he was young where he had female "groupies". Also, he had a father who was big on offering manly advice and he told his sons something along the lines of "Women want it just like men. They just have to act like they don't." Plus, he has sisters who seem pretty HD. STILL, he doesn't quite "get" it. On one occasion, he thoroughly mystified me by telling me about the one time he cheated on a woman because she was LD and then left her ( Note: he thinks the cheating was stupid because although it resulted in short-term renewed drive from his partner the relationship ended anyways). It was like he was telling me about it to make it clear to me that his boundary was "I will not stay in a sexless committed relationship" and this was after I thought I had made clear to him that I was HD so I was just sitting there thinking "Why are you telling me this?"
Quote:
"I'm confused."
"Why?"
Explain. I think you will be able to muddle through from there
I did try to do this and it got kind of off-topic and resulted in a long conversation about his definition of the word "slut" because he uses the word with both a negative and a positive connotation. The funny thing is that he kind of reminds me of an Uber-Urban version of Lou because part of what he implies on the topic is along the lines of "An intelligent, practical, thrifty man will wish to have a wife who is a slut because then he will not need to waste money on whores." Anyway, he said something like "All men want a woman who is a lady on the street, a woman in the home and a slut in bed.". I replied "Yeah, but what does that mean to YOU?" He accused me of being overly analytical but I insisted on getting an answer and said "What would a woman who was a slut in bed do?" and he said something like "It's not that she would do anything in particular. It's just that she would naturally know what to do because she liked it." which of course was a good answer in my book. However, GP also clearly communicated that he doesn't regard himself as super-HD or, more accurately, super-reflexively sexually responsive- he's kind of a slow-mo guy in general ( he follows the philosophy of "effortless effort")so he likes a slo-mo build-up to sex. Therefore, I'm actually right in assuming that I'm giving him what he's asking for when I flirt/tease/delay a bit sexually like I did on the Thursday in question. The thing I am discovering or re-discovering about myself is that my natural sexual identity isn't really super-HD-assertive-sexual-woman but more like affectionate-smiling-sexual-tease-who-likes-to-be-manhandled. So, an encounter like we had last Thursday where he verbally validated and growled at me a bit when I arrived and then held my hand some while we were talking and then literally picked me up in the air when he kissed me goodbye at my car was actually quite satisfying for me. Really, I think man-handling is the most important thing I want from a man because I can get all the other stuff I want sexually on my own or from cuddly people who are not men. However, I am way too wimpy to be able to handle man-handling without some affection/validation thrown into the cart and I might as well pick up a couple orgasms while I'm there since they're readily available at the check-out.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I'm asking why YOU did it, NOT whether it bothered him deeply.
Were you paying him back for something?
Well, my first answer would be because I was trying to be funny ..and it was pretty funny to all involved. My second "deeper" answer would be that it bugs me that GP acts like he is much older than me quite frequently so I was trying to jar him out of that mindset by agreeing with him too much. My even "deeper" answer would be that although I don't think he is too old for me, it probably is the case that my primary reservation about our relationship is that he might be too "old school" for me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Another subject. And since you didn't ask for my opinion, of course, here it comes.
Quote:
hundreds of banker boxes full of books stored in a house which is half unheated with a leaky roof in one of the bathrooms and a dog who hates strange men and he doesn't sleep on a futon on the floor of an abandoned boys room with Tasmanian Devil wallpaper decor. One of the big reasons I was saying I shouldn't be dating now is that as far as I am concerned I am pretty much "homeless" at the moment. I have zero motivation to engage in any nesting behavior in the ruins of my former life. I really need to unload this place and get something new and little I can deal with psychologically and financially.
Honey, you can't let yourself live this way. It's NOT good for you, as a person, as a woman, as a mother. It's so typical of the 7 to "put off" doing what needs to be done right now, or to wait until "some day" when everything will be right. This is my bf to a T.
Now you're probably going to reply that "it isn't all that bad" and really "it's kind of fun" especially after living with a guy who used to leave notes on the coffee pot that said, "Clean me."
BUT...
The fact that your ex persecuted you about your housekeeping style does not mean it's okay for you to live like a homeless person in your own house. You're NOT homeless.
I appreciate the serious thought you gave to my serious question in the above post. Can you apply the same serious thought to this question: "Why do you think of yourself as homeless?"
My bf's house is much the way you describe your house. It has the wreckage of his past marriage all over. Ever since I met him, he has been saying, "I need to get this place straightened out!" and hasn't done one thing except bring in more stuff. It's not that he's waiting for any specific thing to happen, it's just that 7 thing of assuming that at some time in the future, conditions will be right for making a healthy, cosy, nurturing nest for himself.
I had a very close girlfriend about twenty years ago. She was like a sister to me. She was having man troubles (of course-- we were like sisters!) and I hadn't been to her house in a while, althought we talked on the phone several times a day, met for lunch, went shopping, etc.
One day she called and the guy had dumped her, or maybe she had dumped him-- who knows. I went over and was truly shocked at what I saw. She had pretty much retreated to her bedroom, which was a wreck. It truly looked like homeless people were squatting there. It wasn't that I was judging her housekeeping style-- goodness knows I'm no great shakes in that zone (that's why I have someone clean-- otherwise I would NEVER clean the toilet, and I mean that). It's that looking at her house, I could see how she felt about HERSELF at that moment.
I went and got some supplies and came back and helped her clean, put sheet on the bed, replace light bulbs, get some food in the kitchen, put some flowers and plants around. I said, "Promise me you will never let yourself sink this low again because of a man."
(Epilog: she married him. He turned out to be schizophrenic. She divorced him. She married again-- a very nice guy, 10 years younger. That didn't work out. Divorced him. Just remarried again last year. :rolleyes:)
Even if you're liking GP and enjoy his company, don't put all of your emotional energy into his home. I'm not saying renovate your house right this minute, but fight your tendency to just "hang out" at his place, because your own place isn't inviting. Just create some little area for yourself that is exactly the way you like it. Journey's meditation room comes to mind. (NO, I'm not suggesting YOU should create a meditation room.) If anything, it will be an exercise in discovering your own taste. And it shouldn't require any expenditure of money. It may only require going around the house and finding the few things you really love (colors, pictures, pillows) and piling them on your futon. I can't picture your house, so I don't know.
But in some small part of your brain, stop thinking of yourself as homeless. You aren't homeless. You have a house-- an albatross, granted-- but it's a (partial) roof over your head and a place that's YOURS.
