My Wife wants out..still!!

[frank_D]

She said some very hurtful things in that I could not support our family then and I am not supporting them now(because I won't give her hundreds and hundreds of dollars per week). She continues to be firm that this is what must be because she cannot count on me for financial support and that I ruined our financial future. Also saying that if I planned our finances as well as I prepared for our meeting that we would probably not be in this position.

Ok, she's being angry. However, have you shown her how much money you make right now, and how it is being spent on the family, the house or whatever expenses must be covered? Maybe she just isn't aware of the true cash flow situation? A spreadsheet would be useful here.

And if she is, then her argument that you aren't supporting the family is out of line, because you are doing the best you can - right now. She just expects more.

She says she prays for me every week at church that I will get myself together and find someone that makes me happy(how cruel)!! She is as determined as ever to get rid of me and move on.

Jeff covered this, nothing for me to add.

Her willingness to agree to anything clearly shows to me how much she wants to be free to be with OM.

YOu don't know that to be true.

This agreement will be about our children's well being for the next 14 years+. Her pushing me to just get it done so we can move on is just so hurtful in that I can be discarded and she doesn't seem to consider that she will not be with her children half the time every week.

Of course not, she just want's this to 'be over'. In her mind that will be the start of her 'happiness'. It won't, but she doesn't know that yet.

[dadtotwo]

Not a very good day for me...

Today is our 11th anniversary and I can't share it with my W. However, I do have my kids tonight and I am looking forward to spending time with them. This feeling of emptiness is almost unbearable and I continue to struggle with how much she wants a D and is willing to give up her 2 young children 50% of the time.

She has ZERO respect for me and has become someone I don't even know anymore. Now it is all about getting rid of me and not caring about anything or anyone but herself.

I am hurting so much and just want to stop feeling this way.

[frank_D]

It's the old you she is running from. She hasn't gotten to know the new you yet.

[dadtotwo]

This past Friday was really rough since it was our anniversary. Saw my W when I picked up the kids and we did not even acknowledge the date. HOWEVER, had my kids for 3 straight nights and it was AWESOME!!

[christarn]

Wow, a lot to digest! First as everyone has already told you let go of the anger, second quit telling her that all you want is to be back to the happy family...when things were going south in my M, and my H kept telling me that, it just made me more angry. You're wife is deffinitly rebounding with the other man, right now in her eyes he seems to be Mr perfect....my theory on this, is that the grass is not greener on the other side, there is just more to mow. Usually rebound relationships only last a few months, you should deffinitly read Gone Dancing's thread about his W's relationship with her new man (rather funny!).

I think the best thing you can do for you and your kids, is to take care of you, like I said in the other thread. Besides looking at myself, when my H, really started to move on, is when I really started to want him back...that didn't click until I read the boys posting that...as usual they were correct in their theory!! Work on GAL...go to the gym, relieve your stress there, take your kids on a three day weekend, things to make her wonder!

Hope it helps, take care of yourself...and quit beating yourself up over the financial stuff, we all make mistakes!

[dadtotwo]

christarn,

Thanks for your feedback. My fear is that I have done so much damage to us, especially her, financially that she is so gone from the thought of a future with me.

She is so determined to get a D and just continues this crusade to get on with her life without me. I have been blamed for everything wrong in our M and she has said that if I had cheated instead, she probably could have forgiven me.

Financial stability and being able to count on her husband are the most important to her and I feel that the last few years of financial stress has broken her down to the point she no longer cares.

Yet, she has no accountability for her involvement with OM or takes any responsibility for her part of the M.

It bothers me so much that she treats me like a stranger and has such disdain towards me. I am a decent person who made poor choices and she acts as if I beat her or my kids or something as horrible!!

Why is it that they forget all the good times and treat us like some sort of low-life???

[sandi2]

Markb, I can't imagine how horrible this must be for you. But, I think the more you focus on how things use to be and how they are right now, the worse you are going to feel. You must think ahead. Set goals for yourself and your kids that don't include your W. She is in the past. I know you aren't ready to accept that, but you have to start thinking that way in order to coop. It is going to destroy you if you don't get your eyes off that and onto something positive. I realize that is easy for me to say and hard for you to do. I know that. But sweetie, do it for your kids, if not for yourself. They need you so much and it doesn't sound like she is 100% there for them right now. I'm sure they have seen the pain between the two of you enough to enforce a lot of insecurity in them, so they need to know that they are very important to you and that you aren't going to leave them. They should help keep you busy if you have them 50% of the time. The other 50% should be spent on getting a life! I know you don't want to nor will you feel like it.....but you will have to make yourself. OK?

Take care and know that we are concerned for you. Post anytime you can.

[dadtotwo]

This is really getting old... My W just cannot speak to me w/o an attitude and acting as if I am the most horrible human being. I spent a great weekend with my kids from Friday night(our anniversary) to Monday morning. Due to my previous work schedule, I only had them from Friday to Saturday.The job situation has changed(for the better) and it gave me a chance to spend more time with my D5 and S4. They wanted to stay Saturday night so I helped my D to call my W to see if it was ok with her. She said yes since she needed me to watch our kids Sunday due to a death in her family. Now the interesting part...

On Sunday, my D asked if they could stay another night since I told her she didn't have school on Monday. WELL...I did the same thing and had my D call my W. This time, she said "no". She asked to speak to me and the "attitude" kicked in. She wanted to know what I was doing and I simply said that they wanted to stay another night and I would drop them off in the morning on my way to work. She said, "I haven't seen them in 2 days"(welcome to the world of the big "D") to which I replied that it has been a great couple of days and that I had planned dinner, showers, and a movie. There was about 5 seconds of silence then she said "ok"(with a BIG attitude).

Later, she called to speak with the kids and when I answered the phone she was very short and abrupt. I politely handed over the phone and let them speak and then ended the call with her very cordially. The next morning the look on her face toward me was as if I had committed a crime and again was very abrupt and had a big chip on her shoulder. When I was leaving she asked if I would be calling at night as usual. I said yes and did call last night and when she answered she starts with:"yeah...what's up". I politely said I was calling for the kids and she gave me a quick "hold on" and handed over the phone.

Is this the same woman that fell in love with me and married me 11 years ago??

I didn't walk out with my kids and start up with OP. Yet, it is as if she must continue to be angry and resentful toward me for ruining the life she pictured she would have.

I am sick and tired of being looked down upon as some low-life. She better be prepared because 50/50 custody is exactly what it means. She had a problem with just 2 days(not even 2 full days) and wait until she only sees them 1/2 the week. Also, I have the kids for T-Day dinner so it should be a reality check when all of her family is there but I, and our kids, are not.

Maybe someday the madness and her bitterness will go away.

[Jeff223]

I guess this is a negative post but kids are involved.

it gave me a chance to spend more time with my D5 and S4. They wanted to stay Saturday night so I helped my D to call my W to see if it was ok with her.

One of the top five rules about separation and divorce is that kids are not used as messengers between parents. Especially kids as young as yours. If you wanted more time with the kids, it was your responsibility to communicate directly with former W. What the kids "want" had little to do with it, this was about you and it is a co-parenting issue.

On Sunday, my D asked if they could stay another night since I told her she didn't have school on Monday. WELL...I did the same thing and had my D call my W.

If my former W did this to me, I would have been more than just angry. Putting your D on the phone AGAIN made your W the bad parent if she said no. Putting your D on the phone was asking D to tell her mom that she would rather be with dad than with mom.

Mark, you need to develop a co-parenting plan with your former W. That plan should have a detailed schedule for the kids. If the kids or the situation changes then it is up to the parents, without the children present or even knowing about it, to work out a change. If one parent says "no" then the other parent supports that. The message is not "mom says no", the message is "tomorrow is your time to be with mom, she misses you, and I am sure you miss her too".

I am sick and tired of being looked down upon as some low-life. She better be prepared because 50/50 custody is exactly what it means. She had a problem with just 2 days(not even 2 full days) and wait until she only sees them 1/2 the week.

The two days were HER days, not yours. Again, if my former W did this to me ...

"She had better be prepared...". Bury the anger Mark, it is spilling onto your kids. Your kids love BOTH parents. And they need a father who will support their mom and keep them out of the middle of adult discussions, such as visitation schedules. Parents must work together for the good of the kids - 50/50 is NOT "exactly what it means".

[dadtotwo]

Jeff223,

I appreciate your feedback and welcome the constructive criticism.

Why is it that you assume my actions were due to anger? Why is it that what I do is immediately interpreted as wrong? I did not use my kids as a messenger. And I disagree because 50/50 IS what it means. My W has to be able to co-parent just like I will have to.

If my kids ask to stay longer with me, what is so bad about that? I have not had this amount of time with them due to work schedules and it seems unfair to not have some role reversal in this situation. They wanted to stay and as their father I have just as much right to spend more time with them.

Please...stop interpreting my every action as being anger driven.