I guess my biggest piece of advice that I have learned through this is take care of yourself, figure out what you really want, utilize your support group (this helps you get happy), and GET A LIFE. Once you do that and show you can survive, you are looked at much differently.
That is SUCH a huge turnaround from where you were when we started "talking" - good for you!!!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
W out of town for 5 days for work and got back last night. Obviously had much time to think and has come back with different behavior than when she left. We had good momentum before she left. She left very happy, would touch me, kiss me, and seemed on track to really wanting to work it out. Now it seems different. She doesnt want intimate 'pressure', is struggling with her feelings and says she may be feeling guilted into trying because she has seen all the positive changes and her feelings just arent matching up. I tried to remind her how she was acting before she left and that she must have sat around and had negative thoughts...
Anyway...I guess I'll just back off a bit. She had brought up the 'trip' deal in our 'date', but is now backing off that idea. Says she may have to go out of the country for a week after Thanksgiving again for work. I can understand her not wanting to go someplace if she's always out of town for work. To me, her work is more important than actually working on us. She had said she was willing to put 100% effort into working it out with me. I guess not.
Don't be too hard on yourself, we all backslide. It's natural to let your emotions take over at times.
From what I observe, she started to feel good about things too before she left, but then realized she wasn't supposed to feel that way. When you reminded her how she was acting before, it reinforced her negative thoughts on how you were dealing with things. Back off, like you said, don't remind her of how things used to be, YOU keep moving forward, go back to detaching yourself and let her work take over her life. She will soon realize that is not all there is to life, plus, you cannot control what she is doing right now so let it go. She told you she wants to work on it because she is confused. She told you her feelings aren't matching up because she is confused. But remember to take the small positive steps for what they are...SMALL POSITIVE steps. Do not start acting as if things are back to being good between you , do not get overly excited if she is being happy with you again, take it verrrrrry slowly. She HAS seen the changes in you, now she wants to make sure that they are for real. When you backslide, she thinks oh the same old pattern here we go again...
Continue forth being good to YOU tostada! Don't pressure her about the R, dates, or good feelings. Concentrate on you, you, you. You wouldn't be here if you didn't believe in the R, but take it slowly, day by day.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
OK...today not a good day for me...not in my PMA or DBing techniques. Her comment that she may only be trying because she feels guilty that I'm making so many changes and trying so hard for her, and she feels guilty for not putting in an effort for the kids sent me spinning. We had such a good few days before she left town, my PMA sky high, I have a hard time dealing with it now. We had kissed, she had approached me for a kiss, etc. Now...she wants nothing to do with intimacy.
We had a big R discussion tonight. She admits that she has the same feelings, but is trying to change her feelings. OK, good. Then later she says its very unlikely it will work out, maybe she shouldnt try at all, and she would need to see a lawyer before actually moving out. I asked if she was really trying as she intended last week, or if she was just trying to make things easy over the holidays..you can guess that answer and it was a stupid question.
So..I did calm her down and we have agreed to still live her and coexist, spend some time together, but I wouldnt press for intimacy. So, yes, that is a setback from where we were last Wed.
I'm sure I know the answer, but how do I make my self attractive to her? I can continue to do what I have been doing, but there's something there that's confusing her. She is obviously confused and my PMA put a knot in my stomach.
W gave you an inch and you tried to take a mile - at least, that's the way she sees it. BACK OFF! Be glad you got that hint of hopefulness from her, but you KNOW better than to count on it - you are dealing with a very confused person here.
Get back on track with your DBing and take the "long view" towards things. Focus on your own actions and be patient while she works through her problems.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
What Rob and PM said. Lot's of positives for you, T. Plus, from all the successful (and other) threads we've all read, this seems to be part of the normal WAS hokey-pokey. To and fro, up and down. Stay steady. Forget about your backslide. Stop pushing and give her space.
No expectations!
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Yes...she has pulled way back to how she was before the 'I want to 100% work on it' line. I know she's really confused. I gave her a back rub yesterday and she thanked me for it. She said good night to me last night before going to bed. I asked her to come over and lay down for a minute or two. She said no R talk and no touching. I rubbed her back for awhile while we talked about nonsense for 15 minutes or so. I think she was enjoying the comfort of it but as soon as she realized that, said good nite and went to bed. To me the 'no touching, no intimacy' stance is interesting. I think it's because she likes it, but is afraid it will connect or attach her to me? I think she enjoys it but wont admit it.
I guess I have smothered her for a few days. Its hard because I really felt we were really going to move to work it out. She talked about things in the future and was physical with me. Now...I am the demon again. Wont look me in the eye, etc.
do I just completely leave her alone again? She has made herself so busy at work, not sure she would even notice.
tostada...back off again. She is feeling smothered again that's why she changed. You are concentrating too hard on the overall positive that you want. Focus on the small things that have happened and don't read too much into them yet. She allowed you to touch her, she allowed you to talk nonsense with her. You are thinking to hard about what she is thinking, stop that. You really have no idea or control on what she is doing,thinking, feeling.
Remind yourself next time you are together to focus on the small baby steps and not the overall grand picture of happiness that you so want. We all want that.
Pull back, pull back, pull back. When I get to thinking too much I go for a long walk, or read and reread my DR book. Do that for the reminders of what you should be doing.
Hang in there t, it's a tough long road that has to be FILLED to the brim with patience.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
W met with her dad today...she hasnt talked about us to him for over 3 months. this was their first conversation. she didnt want to talk to him because she knew what his stance would be. I overheard her talking to her sister that she told him she will be going ahead with D after holidays. He told her how rough that would be and she even confirmed how rough it is on her friends that have gone through it. But, she says she can handle it.
So, how do I handle this news? Pretend I dont know? Do I ask her how it went with her dad, or do I just keep on doing what I have been doing?
Problem is, this changes my outlook for the holidays. Do I have 6 weeks of turbo DB'ing? Anyway....pretty bummed right now.
were supposed to go out on Saturday night. She just confirmed with me that we will.
