Hello again, been a few weeks I figure it's time for an update.

The good news is, over the past few weeks I've managed to pull myself together. The bad news is, we're not separated.

The key west trip was hard for me, I have a hard time being in situations where we're having fun because I want to be close and can't, and I find it very frustrating. It just leaves me wanting more and feeling unfulfilled. This is something I've worked on and thought through and I think I've got a good grip on it now, learning to not want more, be happy with what I get and be patient.

I'm reminding myself constantly that I made a committment to her and regardless of how she feels I'm sticking to that and doing everything I can to make this marriage work, while at the same time accepting the possibility that it might not happen. That thought has kept me going, even when I feel rejected and unwanted I remind myself of that and it keeps me going and helps me to stop the hurtful trains of thought.

We moved into the apartment last weekend, I was up first. I did manage to kind of tick her off by telling her I was going to shop for some basics like a shower curtain, glasses, etc. She was upset that I was going to pick those things without consulting her since we were sharing the apartment, saying that it seemed thoughtless. Honestly though, given the situation the shower curtain was the last thing on my mind. I apologized and let it slide, if there's one thing I've gotten better at it's the water off the ducks back.

Our goodbye was uneventful. We went shopping during the day to pick out stuff for the apartment, got back home and I said "well, I'm heading out." She said "ok" and didn't make any move to come over or do anything, I didn't want to press it and make a scene so I left. Unexciting yeah.

That night the kids called to talk to me and I chatted with W for a bit. It was oddly quiet at the apartment, no one else around, but I kept myself busy unpacking stuff.

I'm back at the house now, for the time being W is still taking night classes so I'm at the house M-R and she's there F-S. In keeping in line with our most unusual separation ever, tonight was interesting... W sent me a text asking if I could put her running shoes and a few things on the front steps for her. I replied sure, but she was welcome to come in and say hi to the kiddies. She called a few minutes later and said she didn't want to intrude on my time with the kids and I told her it's fine, they'd love to see her anyway. I needed to go grocery shopping anyway, so I suggested she hang out here with the kids while I do that.

So she came, I went shopping and got back. She helped me unpack and we started talking about random stuff. Nice conversation. She ended up staying over an hour. Really pleasant chat, a bit naughty at times (I noticed a big tear in her jeans on her butt and ran my fingers over it and she said something about grabbing her butt. I said no, you have a big tear, I can see your underwear, but am I not allowed to grab your butt. She replied 'it's just been a while, it's like tempting fate. Got a bit naughtier after that...)

Anyway, we hugged 6 times during that hour. Odd... The first hug I leaned in and while hugging her whispered in her ear that she felt really good. She whispered in my ear that I smelled really good (note to self: don't forget to spray pillows with my cologne as a reminder). Hugs are good, I miss those.

After a while she said she probably should go since I still had to get the kids fed, and I told her she was welcome to stay for dinner. She got a look on her face that said she wanted to, but said it was probably best to go. I said ok and smiled. Walked her to the car and gave her another two hugs. She was talking about how hard this was, being away from the kids and being alone in the apartment. It was nice to hear since for several weeks she has shown almost no emotion about it. But I know her well and I know she's been planning and prepping to avoid facing the emotions about it, I know it's hard on her.

At this point I decided to play the confidence card. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and told her "It's all going to be ok." She nodded looking sad. I smiled and said "I'm not done with you yet you know." She looked at me and smiled and said 'ok'. Nice. I was half expecting "I'm done with you" in reply. Note to self, the confidence angle works. I think combined with having no expectations and being incredibly selfless and patient, I'll have a good shot here.

So that's where I'm at. Oh, and she invited me to lunch on friday. I'm not entirely sure how to handle this as a lot of people say a separation should mean as little contact as possible, but I'm in an odd sitch. I really think my best shot here is to keep on talking to her, being there and demonstrating change while respecting her space and making it clear that I'm not giving up and I'm patiently loving her no matter what she does.

I think I've got myself in a good place. Hopefully we can both use the time and space to heal, while maintaining good contact. I just need to make sure I stop wanting more, stick to the patience and no expectations love, keeping confident and happy.