Sex starved fiancee

[Baltoman]

Here is a post from my "hall of fame" posting list. It is from an esteemed poster with linguistic gifts I can only dream of. I read this post a few times a year.

Oh my goodness, Scott. I wish I were you. I am married to your fiance's twin. Same issues; same arguments; same unwillingness to admit any ownership of the problem; same insistence that, if I just relax and "not focus on sex" that it may or may not get better, but I must love her just the same and concentrate on "growing closer."

Here are the differences between your sitch and mine: We are married. We have one child together, and I have three kids from a prior marriage who view her as a great stepmom. There are other differences, probably, but those are the main ones, and, to me, the only relevant ones.

Scott, if I didn't have children in common with my W, I would divorce her. Don't get me wrong...I love this woman. But, like you, I don't feel particularly loved BY her. Oh sure, she insists that she loves me, and she wants me to be confident of her love for me. But to me, those are empty words that match the feeling in my heart. It shouldn't be a battle just to get your wife to admit that your needs are valid. It shouldn't be a battle just to touch and be touched. Sex, as I recall, can be quite fun.

But not with a woman like your GF or my W. The only "fun" thing about sex with them is remembering how good it used to be. The fun disappears when you compare it with current reality.

And what is up with their insistence that, if we just don't "focus on sex" for some indeterminate period of time, the problems will be solved? And, like you, when you intentionally avoid the subject of sex for weeks or months, absolutely nothing happens. You don't feel closer to her because, well, you need the physical contact in order to feel close. And she doesn't feel any closer to you because she can get inside your head and she knows you are full of anger and resentment over the whole issue. Of course, you can't talk about it with her because it involves sex and that is the very subject you're supposed to NOT BE FOCUSING ON.

(sidenote: Do they fail to understand that by telling us NOT to focus on something, it begins to engulf us? It's like telling the guy holding the armload of boxes to ignore his itching nose.)

You say that her "plan" puts most of the effort on your lap. Welcome to my world, Scott. It is up to you to make your GF's world perfect, after which, she may or may not grace you with the gift of her body. And if she does grace you with the gift, don't go thinking that everything is hunky dory. No, my friend. While you weren't looking, while you were in bed with her, the boulder rolled all the way down the hill again. The wheel was un-invented. Get out of bed and start pushing the boulder up the hill again. Start re-inventing the wheel. There is no room for complacency. There is no time to enjoy the afterglow. Get moving.

Is it worth it? Can you look at yourself in the mirror, Scott, and say, "dude, you are exactly where you want to be today! You are in a great relationship with a great woman who, despite her faults, you love deeply. And, despite your faults, she loves you, and shows her love in the way that you want. You are fortunate." Or do you look in the mirror and furrow your brow and say, "dude, it's got to better than this."

I envy you. To me, your path is so clear ahead of you. One road shows me years of effort and frustration and sadness and anger and resentment. The other road...well, who the f#ck cares what the other road looks like? It's another road. And, if it sucks, then you take another. Or another.

You are in your mid-30s. Believe it or not, that's young. You are not married.

I am clearly biased, but I say, go join the land of the living.