More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Hope no one misses the above post but I have to hijack the current thread for a moment. After work I went straight to the bedroom to continue working on a drywall project. While in there, W started her game but got an error.

So sad!

She asked me a couple of questions about DLL files and was able to find one online. She decided not to download it because she wasn't sure what she was doing.

S8, by the way, clicked on something a few days ago and we now have Malware/Spyware on her machine.

She asked for advice so I recommended searching for Spybot search and Destroy. She found a lot of them and said "I can't do this."

Normally, the old ME would have stopped what I was doing at the outset and gone to help her or guide her, if not do it myself. Instead I carried on with my project.

After finishing up, I washed my knives and saw her on the couch stewing. Being covered in dust, I had to take a shower.

She is now in the kitchen slamming things while making dinner. This is amazing stuff. I have learned FROM HER and from reading that one of my mistakes has been assuming she needs me to step in and handle things. Since some time last week, the part of ME has disappeared.

In the future, if we are still married (happily and nurturingly) I will offer my assistance when she says "I can't do this" or if she appears to be completely flustered. However, I will not do this now.

Damn. She just walked in and asked if I was busy. I told her I was checking emails and "why, what do you need?". Damn damn damn - wish I never said that! Well, she said "I was hoping you could help me with the computer upstairs but if you have to work..." (while she was walking away).

The thing is, I so very much want to say to her that if I help her with this, I will simply be enabling some apparently addictive behavior that has interfered with our marriage...

If we were physically separated, or D'd, she probably assumes she could still get help from me. I guess that might be true.

By making her ask for help instead of me jumping right into it, has it been enough of a baby-step so now I can feel good about helping? Do I simply tell her I'd rather not help, without an explanation? Do I decline and tell her why I don't want to do it?

I've been sitting here for about 10 minutes now, after writing the above. Trying to figure out what I'll do. I think the fact that she has felt lack of my "presence" in her crisis has been enough of a lesson.

I will help her with the computer, without expectation. Giving/loving unconditionally. If it was almost anything else, it wouldn't feel so awkward but there simply can't be conditions - for my own good.

Wish me luck.