CVA - Figuring out What's Next

[Not Much Left]

Hey L
Not really venting at all, just was stating that I am tired of saying to kids "you just go with your brothers and sister and mom" when he clearly wants to stay with me. We have a lot of fun together and the facts of being divorced may be stuff like this. I am not trying to pull them from their mom at all. It would be extremely intresting if I said, "OK, you go ahead to Dallas and WE, me and all the kids will have a nice time here. That way you can spend time with your family." I get it that this sound vindictive, I have gone through 14 yrs of doing exactly what SHE wants in these scenarios regardless how much I was working and didnt want to go, huh, I was trying to provide for our family and there she goes, off to Dallas and I am left to either go and be uncomfortable or stay behind and be the bad guy. I am just sick and tired of being the bad guy. If the kids were to ask "mom, why isnt Daddy going", W would just change the subject till the question went away. That is how she is....I of course take things head on all the time, not always good, but at least you know where you stand.

Hmmm, that even felt angry. Good pt. I will rethink all that.

C

[Handful of Rain]

CVA, as you know I have been there, and still am, it seems like we maybe are pulling our kids away from their mom's, but in reality aren't they the one who initiated the D, and decided to break up the family, in the first place?

In mine and the kids discussion the other day, DD11 said I hate mom, and I had to tell her, not to hate mom, and that I am no saint. I don't want them to hate her, I just want them to love us both. They can and will make up their own minds on who's right and who's wrong, but they should have a say in where they spend their holidays. My kids have told me that they don't want to spend the holiday with mom, because of the OM, they said they would be much more happier with me.

Letting the kids speak their minds, shows that you care about what they want. But the truth is, the final decision is yours and your W's to open to listening to them. They know what makes them happy. After all, isn't that what you both want for them? Take care.

[Not Much Left]

Hey all
Did not see the kids last night or this morning. I probably would not go over there tonight other than I want to see the kids for sure and I think it continues the precedent setting of me being there more than less. As I dont have a lot of hope left, I dont think it matters.

W as very, very short w/ me last night. Just getting worse I guess. She is going out tomorrow and yes those were my words, babysitting, she did not phrase it that way. Just feels that way when you HAVE to leave the home you built and have lived in for 10 years.

Meeting w/ Lawyer today, gathering everything. Assembled EVERY bit of financial data on expenses and Assets. Wow that took a long time.

Tired from being sick and up late. A lot going on, is this ever gonna slow down? I think not, its only going to continue to be (i) crazy and (ii) crazy making till we are done. I will try to minimize the latter yet expecting nothing from her is more helpful than expecting anything from her and being disappointed.

C

[Puddle]

Hey CVA,

Have you and W ever talked about visitation with the kids? (Not that you've talked about anything...). Having to go to her place to hang out with them doesn't make any sense. You should have scheduled time with them AWAY from the house. I know your current place is small, but you don't have to be there, though it would probably be fine briefly.

I know this stuff will come up in the D settlement, but I don't think you need to wait for it, do you? That way you'd have your time with the kids, W would have her space, and you wouldn't have to hang out there feeling like an outsider and having to deal with W.

I don't know if it has to be crazy-making all the way through. I'm just thinking if you can see your kids and avoid dealing with W and being in the house at the same time, it might help you stay centered.

(((CVA))), take care.

[L21959]

Hey CVA --

I think Puddle's post is spot on, and really what i was thinking as well after reading your last post... Your post helped give me a little better context for your "babysitting" comment/feeling

Having to go to her place to hang out with them doesn't make any sense. You should have scheduled time with them AWAY from the house. I know your current place is small, but you don't have to be there, though it would probably be fine briefly.

I know that this isn't just 'her' place...but it is where she's living, and it clearly adds to the stress you're feeling, that comes through loud and clear in your posting. I'm not discounting your feelings there...it just makes it that much harder for you to stay on an even keel with regards to W.

I know you've got a real gang of kids, and as I recall your current apt is pretty small. I'm not well-versed in your logistics, but if it looks like this is the way things are going to be for awhile, and you really can't move toward buying something, is there some way you could look at a fairly short-term lease on a larger apt. that would allow you to spend some time there with your kids?

Just rereading through Puddle's post, and she's already said virtually the same thing all the way through...so, Ditto on Puddle!!

L2

P.S. And I would think that convos. like this, about the logistics of the kids are ones that y'all really haveto have soon! The Thanksgiving issue screams for it...

((CVA))

[SunnySeason]

Evening CVA,

I hope I didn't keep you up too late....hopefully you'll get to sleep early tonight & get well.

The kid issues really do ratchet up the difficulty in finding solutions to work best for all involved. It's almost always having to pick the best of the worst, isn't it.

I still believe your W has yet to feel the impact of 4 kids w/out you there full time.

Anyway, thinking of you & sending a hug & some kisses.

Sunny

[Not Much Left]

Hey everyone
Thanks for your comforting thoughts and great advice
I think she has chosen to speak thru her lawyer as she will not speak up. I don't care anymore, do whatever, be silent, I don't want to deal with that anymore. I was thinking today how she feels like I don't act like an adult dealing with life, hmmmm, its real adult behavior to avoid things and be too chicken sh#t to talk about your problems let alone what is going to happen that you are causing to happen.

On the brighter side, was at starbucks and could have sworn a hottie blonde was checking me out!!! Or maybe she is too blonde to know you shouldn't look twice at a sexually deprived 44 year old!!

Thanks again L, Puddle and sunny...btw, I'm good, just a stressful day as I had work to do and got preoccupied with preparing for my mtg with my lawyer. My heart was beatin like a bunny all day, hard to be "in control" of a lawyer when emotions are involved.

C

[ItsKat]

(((CVA)))

I am sorry you are feeling so stressed. Try not to let it all consume you. There are certain things that you can control and certain things you cannot. Recognize the things that you can't control and let them go. I know that what your W has done/is doing is very disappointing, but that is one of the many things you can't control, so try not to put so much focus on it.

On the other hand, woo hoo on the Starbucks hottie!

[Not Much Left]

Yeah, I know, I know, thanks Kat!

Every step here is reality smacking me in the face, my lawyer trying to ptotect me, telling me my W's lifestyle is about to change, etc.

My lawyer sat there almost stunned as he looked through the cash going out the door and my attitude that I want to do the right thing and my W *is* entitled to this or that. I think he said "you are in the 5% category of guys" I.e. 95% say, that's bs, I earned it blah blah blah.

It was draining jus being there talking about everything.

He told me to ask for what I want and he will present it to her lawyer, here we go, CHA CHING$.

Oh, and W comes out after shower in a very thin pink cami t till she put another one on top of it. Ugh, I can't take it!!!

C

[ItsKat]

Yeah, I know that you know too, CVA.

I know how the L stuff is harsh reality, but you can get though this.

Nice at least that your L noticed that you are in the special 5%. And, while I know you might still want to take care of your W, I agree that her lifestyle needs to be adjusted somewhat.