I have been a little allover the place and also been quiet at times when perhaps I have should have posted. I had a wonderful email exchange with another member from this board, lifted my spirits and also showed me how important it is to put our thoughts and feelings into words to release them in a way. As a bonus, they might also help someone else who is here seeking help or support.
My story is as follows.
For the past 3 years we have been trying to conceive, visiting clinics and doing whatever one could to have a baby. This put a strain on our love life and by extension also the rest of our life. I did not know what to say, and my W felt that I did not want it badly enough or as much as other men and on and on. I am not suggesting that it was the only thing, but it certainly built a wall between us.
At the same time my wife who works from home started to spend time with a mutual friend of ours. Taking the dogs to the park and so on. I was happy for her, and it got her out and moving, she had also gained a fair bit of weight after we quit smoking 4 years ago. He is much older 50 and my W is 37 so that and the fact that we were friends kept me innocent and not suspecting anything. I guess looking back I can see when the situation changed but I never suspected anything.
Then in late July I confronted my W and she said she was in love with the OM. I did all the classic feel sorry me dramatics probably better than most. I felt the rage and the hurt. I lived through every possible scenario of the betrayal as well as of all the physical and sexual stuff. I wrote letters to my W pleading and telling her what a lousy husband I had been.
It took me a while, or should I say it still sinking in that we should truly go against our best instincts and do much of what Michelle teaches. I bought both the books and the CD's, and ofcourse I was hoping that my W would be eager to right the wrongs or jump on board with me. No such luck. She is still in the fog and dealing with her demons of which I am not a part. I feel that I want to help, but realize that she is on her own and I have to give her time and space to come back to the real world in many ways.
I long for the physical times and the intimacy, yet I fear it as well. We have only fooled around two times when we were both aided by adult beverages so it was a very surreal experience in a way. This is where I can see how easy it is to fall into the trap of finding another person to be emotional and intimate with. I can see it, yet I know the hurt I am living with or have been dealing with and there is no way I can be part of creating that for anyone else.
I guess time and patience is needed here as well.
Now my W is going to the Bahamas with some girlfriends, perhaps a good break for her yet a hard one since no one knows about what has been going on. I struggle with the thought that she is living a lie, yet I see now how comfortable she was lying to me for so long, I know it cannot be easy for her. I will post here and if anyone feels that they want to blabber with me, please do so.
It is so odd to think that but a few months ago I used the internet to fuel my passion for old fishing lures, and now I am here trying to re fuel my marriage and bring back the love of my life.
M:42 W:37 Married 6 years Together 10 Bomb, July 30, 07, EA for 6 or more months PA for at least 3 months
We did have a little chat last night, the story is that we are curlers, teams of 4 people and OM and us used to curl together. It is also a very social situation and we have decided that OM will not curl on the same nights my W does. I still see him at the club one or 2 nights a week.
Tuesday used to be our night and now the league has started so I was there as was OM. When I got home my W wondered if it would be ok for her to drop by next week to see her friends and all that. She is worried that I will be like a hawk, which I probably will, but it is also something that as part of the healing and re building we have to deal with at some point.
No idea what to do. As we talked I did dig up some old hurts and I probably should not have, It was however easily our best if one can use that term, conversation we have had on the whole ordeal. I almost felt that she feels some regret and remorse and is starting to get back to the real world. I did mention that it is by all accounts and from what I have read very easy and very tempting to slip back with the OM, the fact that the whole A was so exciting and without any of the every day pains and struggles means that it would probably be a welcome escape again for both of them.
I also said that if he ever does anything again, he will only be able to have EA, no PA. I was not freaking out, just stating a fact.
Oh well, at least we got some stuff out in the open, and under the circumstances it was what could almost call civil. My W is going away for a few days on friday so it might give her some time to think.
I almost feel that I should chat with the OM, as I said we were friends but a few months ago. He looked horrible last night, and I think in general he does not look healthy so this must be eating him up from the inside as well.
I guess I forgot to mention that when we were having our baby making issues I had a beer or three most every night, When the bomb came falling down from the sky, I made a decision to make sure I can deal with all this from a sober point and I did start to work out almost like an animal, so I am healthier and stronger than I probably have ever been. I do still like my beer though, but I am not escaping or using it drown my sorrows.
Probably will blabber some more as Limbo urges me on,
Way Back - sorry to see you here but of course being here is a great step in getting the support and guidance you may need.
Has the A been ended or is that still looming out there? I spoke to my W's OM and I have mixed feelings about that. He ended it because of the lies she had told him about where we were in our marriage when this all started and because he has his own problems at home (she was a major distraction, something HE needed).
However I since my W is still in a fog, I wonder if it would have been better for the A to die a natural death. Let her make her mistakes and hopefully see that our R is/was not beyond repair.
I have seen other posts here stating that you should NOT contact the OM. It is difficult, I imagine, since this was a friend of yours.
Are there other contributing factors that you know, or suspect? Can you use these to begin working on 180's?
Keep posting and let us know how things are going.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
The A is over and I believe that OM is at home working on repairing his marriage as well. I know that my W is still in the fog and I know her well enough to say that she does not want to deal with the reality of what she did. She is much too romantic and idealistic in that sense, always believed that our love and all that would carry us through life's struggles. I guess she strayed a little.
Obviously we had some issues aside from the baby making and I know that I was probably a little depressed and a couch potatoe in many ways. I have as I said rolled up a pile of sleeves and worked on GAL. I also do my fair share of the chores and help out with my W's business, she works from home so now when it is busy much of the house is a staging area or factory. I love it, and I do enjoy helping out.
I am busy with curling, 3 or 4 nights a week, so by choice I am not then rushing out to see other friends, perhaps I should.
The A was ended basically because the OM's wife walked in on them so they were caught red handed and she then called me. That was late July. The day after my W wanted to see him and they did and at that time just wanted to be friends and have our lives back to the way they were before. Talk about some heavy heavy fog.
Thanks for listening, and we are all working for the same thing, so may we all have a little success in some nice way,
I started an email exchange with another member off the board, and there is no way of telling you how much she has helped me just keep my mind on track, and see things in a way that otherwise I most likely would not have. I think that it must have been obvious since my W has been far more loving and receptive in the past few days. I know that she has re arranged her mind and thoughts to justify the affair and she has to untangle that mess all in due time. I also know that she has a hard time saying that things are getting better since that would be in a way admitting defeat and that all the reasons she used to justify the affair were not there.
If you have a chance to make an email friend in a way, I strongly encourage it. Only us can understand what we are going through in a way so being on the same page truly helps and it is more regular than a weekly or bi weekly visit to a shrink. It also gave me a stronger footing to stand on my own which would have taken me a long long time by myself.
So thanks Limbo and wishing that some of my good vibes rub each and everyone of you.
More to come, weekend started early so cracked a beer,
I have been all alone, since my W went on a mini vacation with some friends. I did see the OM and I must say that he looked as if he is suffering and losing weight. It was almost pleasant in a sick way, yet ofcourse it does not help our situation in any way. We do bump into each other and will so it is not something we can avoid.
Other than that I have been feeling very good and taking care of myself and staying busy. It is odd that I am feeling so good personally yet tomorrow when she comes home I do not know if I will be greeted with a happy hug or a hello. I have no idea what she is thinking and feeling so it is very weird. She did call and said Love You, I think she wonders a little why I have not called and all that, but as I said I am feeling good and really have noticed that the more I am independent and distant in a way, the more she comes or opens up.
It just took a long time to get those facts into this thick big head of mine.
I do suffer a but with all the lying. We decided not to tell anyone when the Bomb hit, so as am example last night I was over at some friends house for dinner. They know that we have tried to make babies for a while so they asked what is going on. I said that for the moment we are taking a break, that the stress and all that was too overwhelming. I guess it is true that we are taking a break but not for those reasons. Stuff like that is hard, and I also wonder if it will ever end in a way. If or when we do get our marriage back on track do we just let the lies and this saga fade away or what is the course.
This is my babble for the morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I am feeling fine, and have a little smile on my face today.
My W has been away for 4 days with her girl friends. I thought I would miss her and be all emotional but I have actually been very much ok. Been busy with curling and my fishing lures so that helps and went over for dinner with some friends.
I ofcourse think or hope that she has been thinking and maybe cleared up some things in her head and heart. It will be hard not to say or ask too much, but I have a new found calm and focus so I believe I can do it.
I am an emotional man so I have had my fair share of breakdowns and freak shows so I now understand how they can set you back a fair bit. Hopefully I can take my new calm state and general well being and avoid the breakdowns.
Just before she left we were intimate and in the morning she acted as if nothing had happened, and I took that as a good sign.
I have seen the OM a fair bit and he is withdrawing and avoiding me more and more. I focus on it, but I think it is obvious. He is also afraid of me doing something physical, which I will not but since I have served time in the military he knows that I can deal with people in a physical way.
Just want to say that if you can get it through your head that being emotional and talking about the R is not the best thing when trying to re build I think you will be much better off. It took me 3 months at least to kind of get there, and even got a few I think we have some nice days lately comments.
What in my situation seems to be the nicest thing is that the OM is fading away, both literally and figuratively. I can only hope that my W's feelings towards him are doing the same.
She is back tonight so more tomorrow,
I do find it so strange sometimes to even be in this situation, and since no one around us knows, it is truly like living in a different world in so many ways.
I hope you all have a great day, and if you are of the American kind that your Thanksgiving will have lots of good Thanking in it.
She came home and was all happy after a nice vacation. I guess I was hoping a little too much that there would be some love or emotion but it was very clinical and that classic hug that just says let me go. I just listened and tried to smile but I know that she could see that I was sad. I tried so hard not to do it, but oh well.
It is so hard for me to patient and not hope or dream in a way. I want so badly just to burst the bubble and move on and I know that she is dealing with a pile of emotions and I think some or lots of quilt. We are just doing the everyday things and I feel that everything else is being buried or avoided but maybe that is part of the process.
At least I did not break down, just fell asleep, and boy did I want to roll over and be close to her.
Saw the OM last night at the curling club and he is ignoring me more than before, I don't know if that is good, but I think so and I will do the same. There was a brief instant when I thought we could be civil or even friends, we were friends before this, but I think that is going the other way now. Not a great loss for me, yet I know that for my W it is a big void since we used to do dinners and many social things together such as walking the dogs and drinks.
You make your bed you got to sleep in it.
I will try to feel better and I will try hard to be patient and say good things come to those who wait,
