yesterday was crazy busy. gym in the morning, then frantic cleaning and cookie baking to get ready for the playdate. we had sooooo much fun yesterday afternoon! it was awesome. usually there are some meltdowns/arguments among the kids at least on occasion, but none yesterday. my friend's older son came, too (he's 7) so think that might have helped some. who knows. all I know is I had a wonderful time chatting with my friends, and the kids had a great day, too. so much so that our company didn't leave until past our normal dinner time. then we had to scrambled a bit, and h walked in about 15 minutes later.
I took myself off to target in search of a whistle. that's the other big news...S5 lost his first tooth yesterday. the tooth fairy left a golden dollar and a whistle (for some reason s5 was sure she was leaving a whistle, so the tooth fairy had some last minute shopping).
I got home after the kids were in bed and was busy, didn't stop to chat with h, just moved around the house putting this away and that. we did chat kid stuff a bit, but really, I didn't have anything much to say even on that front...I mean, we talk daily. H asked if there was something I wanted to talk to him about, I said no. and I did NOT get into anything with him, I was glowing about a good day and did not want it ruined.
the only really weird moment was when he asked about his mail. there hasn't been any for him, just one piece. he sounded suspicious, like I've been doing something with it (he hasn't been here since wedn). I didn't rise to the bait, just gave one off-handed (not snarky, not mean, just matter of fact) comment that its been so light I thought he might have started having it forwarded. no idea what his thought was about that since my d3 started calling for me so I went to check on her.
anyway, that's that. have therapy today, and hopping to get the kids haircuts later. not sure when h is coming this week, don't think tonight is one of those nights, but will know in a bit when he calls.
ya know, I like my life. I miss my h, I miss him so much, I hate that part, but I love being a mom and love spending time with my kids and love my home and my friends, and well, if he doesn't want this life any more, its his loss.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
sounds lovely, saffie. is it one of the series that you told me about? its wet and dreary here, today, too, but no time to snuggle up unfortunately. am waiting for my new books from amazon to arrive, so don't even have anything started yet.
I did, however, buy season 3 of gilmore girls yesterday at target (big sale, only $13!). I haven't watched that season since the bomb and there is a scene when the main character has cut her daughter's father out of her life. won't go into the details but it was really eye opening to watch in light of my current situation. he tracks her down and confronts her on her going dark on him, and she really says it all...this in particular,
"Don’t you understand that I can’t talk to you because it hurts talking to you, really hurts! Standing here right now is killing me, okay? Don’t you understand that?"
it was just so perfectly done, that scene. it just kind of hit me last night.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
hey there M, good to hear about your day yesterday. Gotta love it when things just click like that. Having a play date can always be a bit dicey; not knowing how to deal with other kids misbehavior (if their parents don't see it or if they have different ways of handling things). Always good when everyone just has fun.
the beauty of the playdate yesterday is we are all pretty comfortable keeping each others kids in line. there are so many kids, or maybe it just seems like it, that whoever is closest to the tragedy just seems to take care of it. lol. it helps that we are all on the same page, I know that doesn't always work.
just was thinking about you and e-mailed you, btw.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
really good session today in therapy! she is so funny, just so tickled at my progress, I swear. I am doing so much better with my emotions...recognizing them, allowing myself to feel them, processing them. I've come a long way baby. some other good stuff, but really, a positive session.
busy day other than that. have been outside most of the day, doing some yardwork and taking down my outside fall decorations. I also got most of my outside windows washed...even figured out how to pop out my screens. now, I haven't figured out how to quite get them back in. oops. but I'll figure it out. think I just need a break from it. its a little awkward because of their size/location.
oh, the best, btw, is that the guys came by this morning and fixed my shed roof! yay!!!! another thing checked off my list.
nikki has inspired me and I'm going to figure out how to fix the toilet that keeps running in my downstairs bathroom. so annoying. my dad was going to do it next time he came over, but who the heck knows when that will be. and that has to be easier than what nikki dealt with, so going to just hike up my shirt sleeves and tell myself that I can do this and go for it.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
you know, its the stupid things that get to me. d3 just came up to me and said that she wants red sox earrings. I repeated it back to her, that she wants red sox earrings? she said yeah, daddy's friend (ow's name) got her red sox earrings but they don't fit yet. wtf???? seriously. I smiled and said, well, someday they would (no plans to pierce her ears till she's around 7).
h told me about the earrings, but that a girl that used to work for him bought them for her. I was so pissed, I called him and told him what d3 said. I know, that was probably wrong, but c'mon, h, just freaking be honest once in your life. he swears that the girl, K, bought them for her, offered me her number to call her even. he knew I wouldn't do that, I didn't. why bother? ow will be buying my daughter plenty of stuff in the time to come. just something about having ow's name come out of my sweet little daughter that just makes me sick.
guessing she's heard it from me or h, either when we've talked (not argued) in front of them. I mean, we aren't open about things in front of the kids, but yes, ow's name has come up. or maybe she's just heard it from h when he is on the phone with ow around them.
omg, I want to throw up.
f-er.
funny how this just set me off...I want to cry and scream. and I've been doing so well! but then, my therapist would probably tell me its okay to cry and scream...let it out, let the river flow, and release it. tough when my family that made it seem normal to stuff emotions. okay, processing. I can do this. but wow, I don't want to. she is going to be a part of my kids life soon, and I don't want her to be. omg. fck.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Morgan-- Do you have a punching bag at home, preferrably in the basement? It may help. Or chop wood...
I am about to go to our first family therapy session. Wish H wasn't going to be there, too--why does he even want to go? This is supposed to be about them...I guess he just wants to see if they still love him, if they are adjusting as beautifully as he thinks they are....
I'll be thinking of you, keeping a smile on around him when he is over so often...I should be able to make it once or twice a month......
