More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Good afternoon everyone. This post is directed to Frank_D but I urge everyone else to offer their insights as well.

Frank, while reading your sitch I literally took notes. Looking back at them now I see a bit of a conflict in what I feel I should be doing. To quote some info you received from your C:

"Regarding the new years eve 'disconnect' she thinks that the morning hug I gave W when she was hurting over her feelings for D15 and her dream, caused W to have a conflict - if she doesn't 'need me' then how come she gets emotional support from me and likes it? For that act of kindness she had to push me away."

and

For detachment, you have to really stop caring. don't let the other person get ANY reading on how you are feeling about THEM or what they are doing. Be indifferent and say NO a lot. Like if they ask you to go somewhere or to do something for them, say 'no, I'd rather not'. Don't assist or cooperate in anything they are doing that doesn't affect YOU, YOUR KIDS or anything related to both.

Having read David Cunningham's book, and being a recipient of his newletter, you may have some insight on how to put some of these things into practice without sending conflicting signals. For instance, I honestly believe that W's behavior from Friday through today are directly related to the spanking on Thursday. Friday we were really close and she was truly affectionate. Following that, however, she pulled back - not because of anything I was doing but because she didn't want to feel the way she was, i.e., she patched the crack in her wall.

So we're back to her being in her corner where she will fight tooth and nail to never "go back" and convincing herself that there can never be any hope for us.

My gut reaction is to detach. To stop trying to have fun with her, stop giving her emotional support, stop pretending we're friends/spouses.

Is this normal? Is this a situation where you apply a certain technique, wait for results and then proceed with the next step (detach, wait for her to become curious, add some fun, back off and repeat as necessary...)?

I hate to make it sound so planned but without keeping it in mind, it is way too easy to be blindsided or to get pulled back in.