Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[imLIN]

I agree with your analogy of love being a choice and why perhaps our S's don't see that as an option for them...

I also agree that intimacy is also a choice...and I do believe that marriage can be a comfortable couple living together, who occasionally ML...but it can also be more...if you choose to make it more...

You see my H knows how to ML...he loves me...we are comfortable together...but I want more intimacy...right now he is having trouble with it being a choice...but you know what???...slowly, and little by little, I am reeling him in...I keep doing what I want to create intimacy...I share little tidbits with him from time to time...and I am seeing subtle changes...I just feel like all the other healing that H/we have had to do...that this too, will take time...

So the alternative is what you make of it...

Lin

[LoginName]

ImLIN,
Thanks for the input.
I think it's a choice,but I think that you can lead someone to the choice, influence them perhaps? And if you do, is it "manipulation"? and would that be bad?
I don't think you, or I, or most of us, are Using are spouses and trying to trick them into loving us, but could it seem that way to them or to someone on the outside?
I think the DB and DR books address this issue, but I don't remember the argument they use. Do you?

not only do I chose to make my M more than just 2 people who like each other and occassionally ML, I won't settle for less than an intimate relationship. I will Choose to make it as wonderful as is possible. Thanks for reminding me and re-enforcing that for me.

[LoginName]

OKay, I have to share this with y'all.
My Wife has started IMing me at work. Today, she said

" I think I need to thank you more than I have. I think I knew that I could do what I needed to do because you were there to support me, reluctantly a little maybe, but you have always been there. I appreciate you. 8:58 AM

You are way strong too by the way. But I think you know that. "

It was nice to hear. I don't know what being too strong means.

[imLIN]

Read it again...she didn't say you are "too strong"...she said you are "way strong too" by the way...she was complimenting you so just take it as that....

[Heartbroken]

What an awesome text message. I would love to get something from my H - he does tell my I am incredibly strong and LOYAL - and he says loyalty is tops for friendship!! Hopefully my H can figure himself out sooner than later!

Being Strong is good!!

HB

[*KS*Chick*]

[peaceful_spirit]

Wow, great IM! It's nice when they come to these conclusions on their own.

It's such a hard balance between giving them space to figure stuff out and showing love and trying to encourage intimacy. Maybe the first step is to give them enough space to figure themselves out, then we can begin to get closer and form that intimacy.

[Sara]

Loginname,

This is a really good change that she has made. This is a change specifically asked for in the Retrouvaille program. It is called affirming behavior. Which means recognizing the good in someone else, or the effort they are making, and proclaiming it. It is one of the main building blocks for a healthy marriage.

You should make an effort to affirm her too.

[cat03]

smiling for you glad she is coming around friend)))))

[LoginName]

Cool! thanks Sara. y'all have me interested in Retrouvaille, and it's nice to hear we are doing something that is part of it.

I made my W cry a month or so ago. I told her that while I was packing and sorting the house after she had left, I found about 4 jars of Lemon Pepper. One time I had corn on the cobb with Lemon Pepper on it and loved it, but the store stopped carrying that brand of spice. My W had bought 4 different ones trying to please me. I told my W that I saw examples like that all over the house of her love for me, and that I wish I would have said so at the time. Stupid Lemon Pepper. She loved me, I didn't affirm her behavior.

thanks again Sara