Walk Away Wife - My Sitch

I also made the mistake of bringing up some money that she owed me. She hasn't set up a bank account, so to pay bills she deposits money into my (once our) checking account and I write out the checks. She had two bills do last week that I paid without her having deposited the money. While I had the money to cover them, it left me without much until this Friday. I felt that I had to bring it up and she got pretty defensive about it.

While my W is mostly paying for all of her own things, she's having a horrible time keeping track of it all... She'll blow $200 at Target one evening, then pay her phone bill late, or not at all.

I don't think it is necessary to 'show her' the changes you have made - it will come across in your conversations and if/when you spend time together again. It's a good sign that she is calling a couple of times - If she is coming to you, then be positive and interesting when she contacts you. She'll do it again if it's a good experience.

[bhopeful]

Hey bhopeful, it's great that you've found your way here and great that your hopeful.

What are you doing for you? What are you doing to try and pick yourself up?

Hey WAWed,
Here are the things that I am doing:
Mondays I drive to work quite a ways away, so by the time I get home I usually just crash.

Tuesdays - Yoga class (This is completely out of character for me and was quite a ways out of my comfort zone. I wanted to do something for my mind and my body though, so it seemed like a good fit)

Wednesday - A close friend invited me to start coming over on Wed. nights for dinner and to hang out.

Thurday - I volunteer at a nonprofit.

Sunday - Started going to church and then usually go to my parents for dinner.

All of this is new for me and most of it is a 180 from how I used to be. I feel like my life had been wrapped in negativity for the past year and now my biggest 180 is that I'm trying to positive things in every aspect of my life.

[bhopeful]

I don't think it is necessary to 'show her' the changes you have made - it will come across in your conversations and if/when you spend time together again. It's a good sign that she is calling a couple of times - If she is coming to you, then be positive and interesting when she contacts you. She'll do it again if it's a good experience.

Thanks Brit. It's hard to see the small good things sometimes. I try to prepare myself before I talk to her. I try to play out the conversations in my head so that I can make sure that I avoid any hurtful subjects. I try to mostly focus on her and let her talk. She does ask what I've been up to, but so far I've been pretty coy in answering that question. I haven't brought up any of the things that I'm doing different in my life to make it more positive. I think one part of DR is that I can't just tell her about the changes I've made because she won't believe it. I have to wait for her to see how I'm different for her to really believe that I'm GALing. Is this right, or should I be telling her what I've been up to?

[bhopeful]

A small update. Over the weekend, my WAW tried calling me a couple times. Once on Saturday night and again on Sunday. I was busy GALing and seeing that she didn't leave a message, I didn't feel the need to respond right away. I did end up calling her back Sunday night though. Fast forward to today, I was talking to my brother and he tells me that she emailed him Sunday afternoon asking where I was at and what I was doing. It seems like a small victory to me, but I think that it is one none the less. At least I know that she thinks about me.

I know that there's not much to comment on here, so this may be more of a reminder to me than it is looking for answers. I'm not very good at journaling, but I find it easier to write here for some reason... Thanks to all that listen.
-B

[houndfan]

Good luck to you, I feel sometimes like you do that I am spinning with little or no direction. My sitch is really quite different, yet very similar. I understand the struggle to fight for your marriage. Keep your head about you and try to DB.

I wish that I could offer more, but good luck!

[bhopeful]

I need some advice. Here's what's going on.
My WAWs birthday is tomorrow. I've already established with her that I won't be seeing her on her birthday and I only got a maybe this weekend for an answer to taking her out to dinner. I'm still waiting to hear from her on that. So, here's my two questions:

1. I want to contact her tomorrow and tell her happy birthday. Do I email her or call her? I think that I should call as email isn't very personable, but then if I email she won't feel pressured as much to respond. When I do contact her should it be first thing in the morning or later in the day? Our old ritual was for me to wake her up in the morning by singing happy birthday and then give her all of her gifts while she was still in bed. That's not going to happen this year, so I'm wondering what to do.

2. When I contact her to wish her a happy birthday, should I bring up taking her out again? I don't want to seem pushy, but I also think that she might find it weird to tell me when I can take her out. I don't know.

Any thoughts?

[bhopeful]

^

I know it's not as big of a deal as what some of you are going through, but I am stuck not knowing what to do or how the DB principles fit. I would appreciate some feedback.
Peace, B

[Pudmuddle]

Hmmm... that's a tough one actually. I know my Bday is coming up in Dec and I have no expectations of my H doing anything. IF he does, I will feel like it is only out of guilt. So I'd rather spend it with my S or friends or even by myself.

I would say that you should at least maybe if you can, leave her a birthday card somewhere where she can find it and read it by herself with no pressure of you expecting any thanks. Then maybe later send an email saying 'hope your birthday day is going well' or something to that effect. I don't know if this is right either, but it seems to remove any pressure from her to be happy about you doing this or you expecting anything from her.

Just my 2 cents.

[bhopeful]

Thanks for the suggestions. I don't want her to feel any pressure. The card suggestion is good, but unfortunately she lives 30 minutes away now so that might be hard to pull off. It's kind of a thing in her family that you call them on their birthday if you're not going to see them. I'm worried that if I don't call her, I might be distancing myself too much. Right now, I'm leaning towards a quick call in the afternoon just to say happy birthday and not bringing up taking her out to dinner on the weekend.

[mako]

I also think this is tough.

I sent my W an anniversary card, but that was a week before the bomb...she didn't give me one. I'm not sure what I'd have done if it had been after.

I think I agree with what you said. A quick call, just to say happy birthday, then maybe you just get off the phone cause you're really busy. Nothing wrong with acknowledging the bday in my view, and it isn't accompanied by any pressure. This is just you being a friend.

I also wouldn't bring up dinner, if she wants to she can bring it up. I say this cause you already suggested it and she was noncommittal, she knows the offer was out there and might have just been politely blowing you off. I don't know, I just think it sounds a lot like a date and might be too much pressure right now.

If you do really want to bring it up, I'd try to say it without any pressure at all: "So, I was trying to figure out my weekend plans and was wondering if you gave any more thought to the birthday dinner." Then if she sounds doubtful at all just say that's fine, maybe another time, or something. But I don't know, I haven't been pushing my W to do ANYTHING with me, so not sure what approach to use...