WAW hasn't walked yet, but emotionally dead

[mako]

Not much new. W is in New York trying to get a new job.

Last night she e-mailed me asking for help on some job application stuff. I responded with the help she needed and she seemed appreciative.

I called her today just to wish her good luck. She sounded happy that I called, but then got of the phone right away cause she said she was headed out the door. She said she'd call later to let me know how it went.

Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's house for a couple nights. Plan to tell him all about what's been going on, he's a good friend and the understanding empathetic type...so I'll be doing double duty on GALing and working on myself in opening up my feelings and emotions, should be good.

[mako]

The weekend was ok. Went to my friend's house and helped him host a party. We talked a while about my sitch, which was good. He remarked that he couldn't imagine me talking about this kind of stuff previously, so I guess it is noticeable that I am being more open, making progress in that. I really missed W this weekend though, seems like everything reminded me of her.

W comes home tomorrow, but only to get stuff for the week, then she is staying in a hotel with her mom for the rest of the week. Seems she doesn't want to be around me too much. We talked on the phone today but only for like a minute, she just wanted to know my schedule this week.

We've now gone about 10 days since the last real R talk. It drives me crazy just letting it go, but I guess that's the thing to do right now, wait till she's ready.

[mako]

Interesting. Talked to my W's brother last night, just about how I've been handling things. I guess W told him that I seem to have really done a good job accepting what is going on and letting go and trying to move on. I guess that's a good thing, right? That's the impression I'm giving off by GALing, being nice, not bringing up R talk, not begging etc...so she's noticed these things, I just hope that they affect her positively.

W and her mom are stopping by tonight. I don't know if it'll be for a long visit or like a two minute stop in, I honestly could see it going either way since W seems to want to be around as little as possible. Hopefully it's longer, my MIL is very nice and always treated me like a son...she wants us to stay together but does not feel it's her place to tell W what to do.

[soul_mate]

Sounds like you are still doing good I remember going 10 days without an R-talk and it seemed like forever. She will bring it up when she is ready so wait until then. Don't worry right now about the comments that she sees you have accepted things and are doing a good job moving on. When the day comes that she wants to have an R-talk make sure you do a lot of listening.

By the way I was a lot like you about being very non-emotional it is something that has to be worked on. I say was I still am really, but I have gotten a lot better.

[mako]

Thanks soul_mate. I am trying, but it is hard, as I'm sure you know. Just waiting and acting as if you are fine goes against the intuition, so I will just trust that it is what I should be doing right now. Anytime I even imply any R thoughts it gets brushed away, so I have stopped doing that and won't until she is clear that she is ready. As Michele says, if something doesn't work that tells you to stop doing it.

I just noticed today that last night W removed the fact that she is married from her facebook profile, so that hurts a little. She does not state she is single, it is merely blank. At least she states she is only interested in "friendship" and not a relationship...I keep trying to tell myself, don't get worried by what she is doing, you can't control her, just work on yourself, but it's hard.

I have been making progress with my emotions though. Went to a C today for my second session, that's one of the big points we are working on.

[mako]

W and MIL stopped by tonight. It was nice, but they were not here for long. W had to pick up some clothes for the week. She also took the dog for the night, so I'll be sleeping alone.

Earlier, W called me while they were checking in to a hotel and complained for about 5 minutes about her mom. They've been together all weekend, and I guess MIL was nagging her all day about her driving. I actually enjoyed listening to W complain, it was more like old times when she would tell me so much.

Not much happened while they were here. I talked to W a little about what she did this weekend...the interaction seemed fine. She asked about my trip to the C today, I told we were working on me trying to learn to open up more. Her response of "yeah" sounded really sad...I mean, this is getting at the root of her problem with me. Then I said I hope she can find one soon as it is really helping me out. That's as close to a R talk as we got.

I don't know if I'll see her much this week. They were talking about all these plans, plans that I have not and likely won't be invited to. We'll see what happens.

EDIT: well crap, W called like the minute I posted. They found a place, she is moving out soon, probably the end of this week. She didn't tell me when I was there cause she didn't want to make it worse with her mom there. God I'm a mess right now, it's like it's hitting me all over again.

W also said MIL said I looked really sad. That in turn made MIL sad so she started crying in the parking lot after they walked out of our place. Everyone in the world thinks this is the wrong decision except the one person that matters.

Maybe I will be more successful in detaching with her gone. Seeing MIL today just made me feel so sad about everything, I guess they could tell.

[mako]

Today I have been better, getting over the initial shock that W is moving out. I knew it was coming of course, but it still hit me pretty hard that it was actually happening.

W came by in the morning to bring the dog back, I was in the shower so she just came in the bathroom and said she was here but had to leave, she'll call me tomorrow. Sure there was a shower door, but that was the first time in forever that one of us had been naked with the other in the room, felt almost weird.

Had a long talk with a friend today about all this, which felt good. Everyone I've talked to says I am making great progress with being more open and sharing emotions. So that's something, at least if W never comes back I'll have that to build on.

W just called, which surprised me. Told me about her day and how the dog cried all last night, I said it was cause she missed her boyfriend (me) and W laughed at that. She told me about what they planned on doing tomorrow (she's basically sightseeing w/ MIL and MIL's friend) and about a freelance job she had lined up till she gets a real job. All in all it was a good--though short--talk, basically about nothing and under 5 minutes. I will take any positive interaction at this point though.

No GALing today, I need to work late, hope I can fit in some exercise later though.

[mako]

W called today, we talked on the phone for almost 15 minutes. That's a record for the phone since the bomb.

She just said what she's been doing lately, more sightseeing, and we talked about what we'd do for thanksgiving (nothing together, but I knew that), and what we're doing this weekend (I'm going to go see a friend, she may be moving if the landlord says she can). She offered to take me to the train station and pick me up if I wanted...

She also was complaining about her mom...apparently mom is not happy with our sitch, and was very sad about it. Mom complained that she is more sad than W, how can W do this and not feel any pain, and doesn't get why W is still calling me and talking to me if she wants to leave, stuff like that.

This is all nice to hear, MIL cares about me a lot, but I hope she isn't just pushing W away more by making her defensive. Anyway, I was very much validating: you're right, your mom has no idea what you've been through, people outside the sitch don't understand, she hasn't seen your pain lately or how it was before, we don't hate each other and there's no reason why we can't get along now, stuff like that.

W also was emphasizing how she is moving out but doesn't want this to be the end of any contact. She still is leaving a lot of stuff here, and will stop by on occasion, and may even stay the night once in a while (in the spare bedroom) depending on what she's doing with work. She doesn't want me out of her life, she still wants to be my friend...she understands if that hurts me too much then she'll back off, but she wants that and can't see me being out of her life completely. I told her that sounds good and I'd like to remain her friend as well.

Anyway, she said she'd drop by tonight to say hi. All in all it seemed good, I'm glad we are being amicable and friendly, as long as we still have that base then there is potential for more down the road, you never know.

[mako]

I was having a decent time this weekend, hanging out with friends, watching movies, went to a museum. I'm at a friend's house about an hour away. Occupying myself so haven't thought of W much, have a little bit though.

W called today, told me what she's been doing. She's been packing, so she'll start moving out Monday, to a place about 20 minutes from our place. Says she was worried about packing while I'm there so she wanted to get most of it out of the way. I told her not to worry about that. She also told me of her Thanksgiving plans, going out of town with some friends. Also got a couple call back interviews in New York so she may be moving even further away soon...

Everything seems to be falling into place for her, which doesn't seem good to me. If she's getting an exciting fresh start and a new job in a new city and finally done with our so called loveless marriage then when is she going to ever start missing me? It's like she's just ready to start a new life, and even though she's said a number of times she doesn't want me out of her life, I don't know how much to believe.

So, I tried to sound happy and upbeat, but it's hard to sometimes. She's nice to me, and I to her, but she just feels so cold when it comes to the R, like it's just a done deal and there's no looking back. I know it's still relatively early in all this, and I know I can't control her feelings, can only work on making me a better person...but I went from having a positive weekend to all of a sudden being pretty down.

[soul_mate]

I am the same with my W we are both friendly with each other, but as the far as the R it is a done deal. They seem cold, but I know deep down they are hurting the coldness is their front. It takes time hopefully she will see some changes in you and will want to put her guard down a little and talk about the R. How long will it take who knows I would say months for sure.