Just so you know I have been "lurking" on these boards for the last year and a half. At some point, I was going to post my sitch here and introduce myself to all these wonderful people who I feel I have gotten to know over time. I will still do that eventually, but when I read your original post, I had to get off my a$$ and register, so I could stop you from making the worst mistake of your adult life.
*DO* *NOT* *MARRY* *THIS* *GIRL*.
I was in exactly the same place you are now, only I married her and had 2 kids. Now I'm completely trapped for at least the next 15 years in a passion-less, love free marriage. I love my kids like nobody's business and I would not trade them in for anything. But I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on anybody.
DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID.
As much as you may not believe it's possible, trust me, it will get much, much worse than it is now.
Good luck, and I hope you will be able to find the happiness that has been denied to me.
I always have to initiate it, and most of the time I get shot down.
That hurts, doesn't it?
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I have to be persistent and almost beg for it.
Begging. Now, I bet that's a real turn-on for her.
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She tells me that my timing is bad, but I have tried it at all different times of the day, morning/night.
Your timing IS bad. Your "time" was the first year of the relationship. Now, it's her time, and you're wasting it by begging for sex. Oh, and here's a clue: it will NEVER BE YOUR TIME AGAIN.
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I have tried to explain to her over and over that having sex with her is how I stay connected and loved. She says she understands, but doesn't really take any action. . . .She makes light of the fact that sex is how I connect with her, she thinks I'm just a horny typical guy,
Here's another clue: It's not that she thinks you're a "horny typical guy". It's that she doesn't care about you, your wants, your needs, your desires, your wishes. Everything she tells you: wrong time of day to approach me for sex, you're a horny typical guy, "no", "maybe later", "not now", etc, she tells you to get you to STOP WANTING SEX.
So, you're having sex once a week with a woman who does not want to have sex with you. Chew that for a bit. Tasty? No? Bitter? Yep. Well, just like gum that has lost its flavor, it's not going to magically get tasty again.
The "horny typical guy" comment is particularly disturbing to me. When you heard that the first time, were you inclined to deny it? Who wants to be considered "typical"? Plus, wasn't she saying it in response to your comment that "having sex with her is how I stay connected and loved"? So, in actuality she was saying, "you are telling me bullsh!t to try to manipulate me into having sex with you, which is a strategy used by most men, and such men only use touchy-feely words like 'stay connected' in order to fool women into having sex with them in hopes of a better 'connection', because typical men think that typical women want a 'connection.'"
Maybe, when she said that you were a "typical horny guy", you tried even harder to convince her that it was about love, and that you really aren't some kind of savage and it's not about the pleasure that you derive, but rather, about the deep feelings you have for each other, and how you wish to only share it with her, blah blah blah.
Meanwhile, she is thinking, "hah...got him on the defensive already, and he's busy trying to argue his way out of the "typical horny guy" bag I just put him in, and, frankly, I couldn't care less about what bag he's in, just as long as I don't have to fark him today. Mission accomplished."
You don't want to leave her because you "love her," but I don't think you'd be here, asking advice on this issue if you truly loved her and wanted to be married to her. Because, if you truly loved her and wanted to be married to her, then you'd accept her as she is, without any reservations, without any desire to change her. (and then you could spend the REST OF YOUR MARRIED LIFE being HAPPY with her, and not concerned at all that you haven't had sex with her for MONTHS. Or YEARS. Believe me, what is inconceivable for you right now, will become your reality. If you're okay with that, then ding dong wedding bells are ringing, and best wishes and mazel tov to you.)
Sorry if this seems harsh. Basically, I just wanted to tell you to GET OUT NOW. I guess I got a little wordy.
If you want permission to bail, See, you've got it. These people know what they're talking about.
hairdog wrote
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So, in actuality she was saying, "you are telling me bullsh!t to try to manipulate me into having sex with you, which is a strategy used by most men, and such men only use touchy-feely words like 'stay connected' in order to fool women into having sex with them in hopes of a better 'connection', because typical men think that typical women want a 'connection.'"
There is a good book called, "His Needs, Her Needs".. I forget the author. Anyway, talk about how men's and women's needs are very different, yet it's important to meed each other's needs.
It wasn't until recently that I understood just how important sex is to an R and how important it is for my H. I always had the perception that sex was an extra (I now know better). But it was a learning process for me.
It seems clear to me that your fiancee doesn't get that yet, either. Perhaps you can talk to her about her needs... wht they are and how you can better meet them. Then you need to tell her what your needs are and explain to her (again) that this is a key need for you and it's how you express your love for her. I would also talk about what can be done on that front to make it better for her.
For example, and this may sound mean, but I told my H that I get turned on when he's cleanly shaven, showered and smells nice. Often when he wants to have sex, he has cigar breath and hasn't shaven (which gives me a rash on my face). So, he has made an effort in that area and I can get more in the mood when those littel things are in place. That's just one example.
We've also talked about how sometimes it will just be down and dirty sex... wham bam thank you mam (which doesn nothing for me, but with our two young kids, sometimes it's necessary)... and other times it will be more romance... candles, lights off, kids in bed for the night... take our time. And by having this conversation, we identified a way to meet both our needs. I have shed this idea of sex can only happen when we have time to really get into it and have romance. The simple fact of understanding this has made it better.
I am trying to give you perspective as a woman who was never really interested in sex until recently.
Communication is KEY! You must find a way to communicate this to her. But the ways you've commuinicated in the past havent' worked, right? So find a new approach. Someone recommended MC. I think that's a great idea.
have you also considered the possibilty that she's not happy with her body or her image? Maybe she doesn't feel sexual becuase she doesn't feel sexy.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Hairdog So, you're having sex once a week with a woman who does not want to have sex with you. Chew that for a bit. Tasty? No? Bitter? Yep. So true HD!
she said that you were a "typical horny guy", you tried even harder to convince her that it was about love, and that you really aren't some kind of savage... BINGO again. BTDT.
because typical men think that typical women want a 'connection.'" I thought women wanted a connection?
I just wanted to tell you to GET OUT NOW. I don't think it gets better. Just my opinion.
Peacful have you also considered the possibilty that she's not happy with her body or her image? Maybe she doesn't feel sexual becuase she doesn't feel sexy. Good thought BUT he can't do much abouit how she sees her body. I tried and it made things worse.
I'm going to regret this, because I really can't be a regular poster and follow-up much, but here goes...
"I will second guess myself if I broke it off because of the sex issue."
The above statement sounds ambivalent about your own values regarding the importance of sex. You have to be clear with yourself about your values regarding sex before you will ever be clear with her. Is it a dealbreaker or not? Postpone your marriage and any conversation about sex until you're clear on your values. Let her know you need some time to get clear on how you feel about the role of sex in marriage. Once you're clear and okay with your own values then you're ready to have a straightforward, honest conversation with your intended.
1. Make this statement to her: "Sex is important to me. I would like to have it every day, but I'm good with 2 to 3 times per week. I feel like I'm in prison without it at that level. My values on the importance of sex are not going to change. You have communicated to me that sex is not as important to you. I understand that and I'm not going to try to change your values about sex. However, we need to work out how we're going to deal with this difference in values satisfactorily for both of us if we are to be married."
2. Redirect your own and her attempts at trying to change the other's values. This is an unfruitful activity. Focus your conversation on how to deal with the behavioral differences. The SSM book may be helpful in talking about desire before arousal and arousal before desire and how to go about having sex when you don't really feel like it. But first you have to agree to accept the value differences and be okay with one another regarding this difference. (One of the messages that I took away from the SSM that helped me as someone who really likes sex, is that it is perfectly okay for sex not to be that important. Don't worry, Michelle also tells the LD partner they need to consider the values of the "HD" spouse.)
3. You, she, or both of you may decide that you can't work out this difference. You can still love each other, but you'll need to find others with whom you are more compatible to be marriage partners. Neither one of you is wrong. You're just different and you can't work out the differences. A painful, sad situation for which you both may grieve.
4. Once you are honest about how important sex is to you, that it is a dealbreaker, then and only then will you know where you stand with her. It is possible that her view on the value of sex is as much a dealbreaker for her as it is for you. But you both have to be honest with one another about this. Otherwise, how can you possibly say that you want to be married to each other when you don't really know how strong each other's values are on this important issue. If you haven't postponed the engagement over this issue yet, then she doesn't know how strongly you feel no matter how much you think you've told her.
5. No one has to be wrong, or labeled negatively, or have issues. You may just have a difference in values that you have to work out...or decide you can't. It might be painful and result in your parting ways or it might result in a much better relationship and better understanding about good communication. Be clear and honest about where you stand and okay with where you stand.
P.S. Be clear with yourself also on whether you need her values to be the same as yours regarding sex or whether you are okay with working out the behavioral differences. If you need her to need sex the same way you do or for it to mean the same thing to her, then you have a harder task because then you *do* have to try to convince her to share your viewpoint regarding sex. So be very clear about what you really need from her.
Hi Seew22 I'm in the peicing forums, but look through these as well.
I had this issue as well with my current W before we where hitched.
I thought it would get better.. WRONG !!!
started to cause resentment and bitnerness on my part and I closed down to her. Which in tern had her close on me and become a WAW and had an A for six months. She has come home since and we are working on it. But this hot topic still comes up for us.
Be forward... iron this out now ! not later ! as Corri said if it does not get worked out.. walk !
W: 28 Me: 27 No kids Bomb: 12/27/06 ILUBNILWU Sep: 2/16/07 Came home: 08/30/07
