And so it begins...

[Dom R]

good morning,

You recommend me to "Not be impulsive any more." I don't know how to do that.

I'd say it's all about not making decisions, without thinking of the long-term consequences. Similarly, dont make decisions solely thinking of short term "avoid the pain" issues. That second one is something your wife specifically accused you of, isnt it?

moving out, is an "avoid the pain" impulsive move.
It "hurts" [ie; VERY DIFFICULT] to stick in your house, and not argue, and be a better man.
Similarly, it would "hurt" to be confronted by your wife's anger/unhappiness/disappointment with you face to face.
So you ran away.

dont "avoid the pain" any longer.

'cause "long term consequences" of being separated == pain and hurt for your family, most specifically your daughter.

Do I need to get into a treatment program or a counselor? ...I suppose it would be a bad idea to ask my wife for support and/or assistance in trying to deal with both the addiction and other mental issues? She's always been my best friend, the person I can count on to help me through the rough times, and now I don't know who to look to for support.

A lot of women I think, would take their husband getting into counselling, as a huge, positive step. In some ways, you getting into counselling, rather than asking your wife to dig you out of your hole, would be the best thing to do.
Plus, she's been probably trying to help you for years. unsuccessfully. So she would probably be both too frustrated and also may not have the best methods.

Where to go for counselling, depends greatly on whether you are a strongly believing Christian or not. If you are really Christian, you will do best with a good Christian counsellor. Otherwise, it varies.

You MIGHT try the approach, of moving back home, apologising for your behaviour, and announcing that you are looking for personal counselling, on top of AA.
Show your wife that you fully intend to find one yourself, so she doesnt HAVE to help... but if she has any recommendations, you would be very interested to know of them.

I think that this could be beneficial, because it both shows that you are determined to work on the problem, AND you value her input as to how to solve it.

Plus, you might reflect on more things she has told you over the years, about your issues, and things she may have asked you to improve in yourself.

[LostInMN]

Dom, you are nearly a mind reader. My wife works in the mental health field, I emailed her this about 5 minutes before I read your post:

Good Morning,

Could you please use your position, experience and contacts to help me figure out my best course of action from here? I did a little checking on addiction, obsessiveness, compulsiveness, dry drunk syndrome, etc., and really don't know what my best plan would be and I don't want to just jump into anything so I can say I'm doing something. Any help you could offer would be very much appreciated.

Hope you have a good day.

I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep here last night, tossed and turned from strange surroundings (at least for bedtime, I generally don't sleep in my office), short uncomfortable couch and mental struggles of what's going on in my life and the best way to proceed from here. I do believe that help is on the horizon. Thanks again for being tough on me last night. I'm sure it was what I needed. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

p.s. One thing I know I'm doing is becoming obsessive about checking this website. How pathetic is that? I want to come here to help figure out how to get better so I don't want to come here?

[Dom R]

sounds like you are heading in the right direction.. just not far enough :-)

your email put it on her shoulders, to fix you.

I think that you need to put effort in YOURSELF, to look up some counsellors, and ask her, "what do you think of these?" rather than putting all the burden to find one, on her.


(and GO HOME!!! )

[LostInMN]

Both good suggestions. How does one approach a counselor to determine if they are what one is looking for? Never researched counselors before.

[Dom R]

Well, first you need to answer if you are a Christian or not. approaches differ in each case.

I'll also note, that you did not make any reply, to my post about what constitutes impulsive behaviour, and the remedy.

let me give you a semi-related example of your situation.

Lets say, that you "impulsively" decided to buy a new car by yourself.
Your family will now be "in the hole" for $1200 every month, for a new car that you didnt really need in the first place.

your wife is furious with you. You offer to her, that you will sell it back. you'll lose some money, but you wont be paying an extra $1200 every month that could be used for other things.

She replies with "Oh, no you dont! we'll lose $1000 if you give it back. you made that stupid decision, and now we'll suffer for it...."

So, if you keep it, she's going to be mad at you. and if you give it back, she's going to be mad at you.

Some people are like that. They set things up so that they can be angry at you no matter what choice you make. Because they're so sick of you, they just want to keep being angry with you no matter what you do.

So... do you keep the car? Or do you give it back, and deal with your wife complaining for 3 months about the $1000 you lost... as opposed to dealing with your wife complaining for the next 5 years about the $1200 you're paying on "that dumb car" every month?

Sometimes. impulsive decisions, have nasty consequences to them, even if you try to reverse it.
That still doesnt mean that you should stick with the decision after you make it.

[LostInMN]

OK, you lost me now.

Yes, I/We are a Christian family, the first person I told about my wife telling me she wanted a divorce was our pastor, not because of any extra strong bond, but because I wanted someone impartial and with a strong shoulder.

Can you please point out the exact post re the impulsive behavior? There have been several, to say the least.

You metaphor didn't really do it for me, I can see where she may be mad at me regardless of what direction I choose from here, but I don't see where she is setting anything up, wouldn't I be doing that since I was the one with the actions, she was the one with the feelings?

[catfan]

Both good suggestions. How does one approach a counselor to determine if they are what one is looking for? Never researched counselors before.

Well here's what I did, I got a list of counselors together from various sources, read their web sites to narrow down further. Then called each told them I was looking for a counselor but wanted to "interview" them first. Every one of them agreed and only one asked me to pay for her time which I gladly did. In the end she was my pick too.

[Dom R]

As far as counselling goes: sounds like you might start by asking your pastor, if he has recommendations on good christian counsellors.
After that, there are a few places that have references for that sort of thing. You might try "new life ministries" and ask them for a reference.

http://www.newlife.com, or 1800 new-life

[LostInMN]

And no, I didn't conscientiously decide to "avoid the pain", I was trying to prevent pain for our daughter and thought it was the right thing at the time. A week ago someone said not to move out, it's way more difficult to get back in. At the time I told myself to not forget that; unfortunately, I did. Now I don't know that I can go back to the house, wifes parents have offered to let me stay at their empty house, wife thinks coming back will be bad for daughter, wife doesn't want me back, I'm just a mess over here.

[Dom R]

Can you please point out the exact post re the impulsive behavior? There have been several, to say the least.

the one that starts with,
"I'd say it's all about not making decisions, ...."

You metaphor didn't really do it for me, I can see where she may be mad at me regardless of what direction I choose from here, but I don't see where she is setting anything up, wouldn't I be doing that since I was the one with the actions, she was the one with the feelings?

My point was not really about whether or not your wife was "settimg you up" for a lose-lose situation.
My point with the car story, is that you cant always base your decisions on "does it make my wife immediately happy?" Or even "does it make my wife 'less' angry?"
Sometimes, doing the right thing, wont make your wife happy. but you still need to do it anyway.

Make more sense?