Why can't I do this....

[houndfan]

Update...thought would be appreciated:

I caved on Sunday, AGAIN and I am so p'd at myself. I went over to the house after church with the kids because W wanted to do some yard work and asked for my help. When I got there she was really stressed out and asked me if she would be able to sleep a little. Well when it was time to wake her I went up to the bedroom and began rubbing her head to wake her, which is something that she has always loved. As she was awking she started to rub my back etc. Did not look too much into it but it was a nice feeling.

Well we continued through our day and got a lot done with no fighting, and very little talk about R/D anything. Come dinner time I asked her what she and hte kids were going to do and she said that she had no plans, I asked if they would like to goto the golf club and have dinner with me. She said that would be nice. As we were driving down my boss called, VERY unusual for a Sunday. He proceeded to ask me if I would be willing to step into an urgent project for the company and that I needed to let him know immediately. I told him that I was out to dinner with my family for the first time in 6 weeks and I needed to call him back. Within a few moments my VP called and basically asked the same thing, in the background my wife made an off-handed comment that they don't pay me enough money for all of this...which the VP caught.

Well he was very upset and told me to call him Monday to discuss further. After a butt chewing I dropped S4 off at the house for his day. Went up to speak briefly with W that one of my trips for this week has been cancelled so if she needed me for anything with the boys I would be available well she asked why and I said that I was in a bit of trouble. Well that set her off.

She was really angry telling me that I can not continue to bring drama into her life and that I needed to get away. Well, my S7 had his pullup leak in her bed and during this she saw it and went over the edge throwing things all about the room, yelling at S, hitting me in the back, and taking a cup of apple juice and pouring it all over the floor.

I went downstairs to comfort sons she followed me down and again yelled and screamed and told me that I was no longer welcome at the house and that I could wait on the proce anytime I was over to see boys. I left without further incident.

About 45 minutes later she called to tell me she was sorry but not about what she said about my job. She continued for a few moments to make me feel guilty etc and then the call ended. There were a few further calls from her during the day for various items including asking me to pick up some new contacts for her on my way home from work.

I called before I got home and asked if she would like me to take the boys for the night so she could have some time, she agreed. However when I arrived only the little one wanted to go with me. I gave her the contacts and we had some idle chit chat while waiting for S4 to get his things together. I mentioned to her that I would like to have the Parenting Plan back soon if she could do that. She again got mad and told me that we don't need a parenting plan and that nothing will change with the kids.

Sure nothing at all will change with the kids other than destroying their world...

Then she asked me if I would call her in the am to wake her because she knows that I goto my mens group on Tuesday am, which of course I said yes to.

Later in the evening S4 wanted to call mommy and say goodnight so we gave her a call. After some little boy games I spoke with her for a what I thought was going to be a moment, turned into about an hour.

She told me how lonely she was and that she feels really stupid like a little girl because she is so wrapped up in OM. She told me that she can't be alone and that is the hardest part of all of this and she is afraid that he is going to hurt her. Well of course he is going to hurt you he lives 1000 miles away with his own D drama and child. He doesn't know anything about her, but is willing to accept her baggage. I have asked several times how that will work with my potential transfer which she wants, will he move to that city to be near you? No I don't think so. Do you want to move to his to be near him? No.

Well, I tried to explain to her that this was not a convo that I felt comfortable with, but she kept saying that I am her friend and she needs my advice. I finally told her what I thought that this whole mess is a fantasy for her. She wants a D but whenever there is a reality of a D she gets angry. She wants the financial benefits of the M, but she won't do anything to prepare her self for the D. She wants the butterflies that she gets with him, but she doesn't understand that those feelings are clouded in fantasy.

The reality of our situation is that we have a family and that we are making choices that could harm it forever. She claims that it is up to us how the kids will respond and I disagree. I feel that we need to do anything we can for them, she feels that she needs to be her own person and that she can not be tied down by a relationship yet she is googoo over this OM. I remember when I cheated on her the same feelings, but I also remember that reality hit me in the nose at one point and I realized what I was giving up if I continued the R.

So, she told me that she wanted to invite me over to the house last night to have dinner and watch TV because she was lonely and misses those times but she didn't because she does not want to give me the wrong impression. She told me how lonely it was at night when she went to sleep because she wants to be with someone. I said that she is making that choice to which she continued with I don't want to be with you.

Well we finally said good bye, dispite the content of the call it was really nice to have that kind of convo with her.

This am I called to wake her which she appreciated. Then when I dropped S4 off at the house it was back to the bitter person that I have come to resent. She was nagging S7 endlessly for his morning and I could see him hurting as his mom attacked him. I stopped the words and asked him if he knew what he had done which was disrespectful to mommy to which he said he did. I asked him to apologize to his mom which he did. I then asked her to apologize to him for handling the situation. She said that she had nothing to apologize for and that I had taught the boys how to treat her and they need to change. I told her that I would work very hard on my boys in teaching them how we should treat women, but it is not an overnight transformation.

That was it. I left at that point to goto work and off to my trips to end the week.

One question that I have, my DB Coach has suggested that he have an opportunity to speak with W. She has been totally against any kind of counseling AT ALL. She will not do retouvaille, she will not do MC, she will not do anything but D mediation. I have stopped asking, but I can see that she is hurting and this decision is tearing her apart. It is impacting everything that she does.

I on the other hand have accepted that I need as much help as I can get to change my life with IC, DB, DB coach, men's group, church, etc. I really feel like my life has turned a corner and I can feel the changes in my personality. I can see it in the way that people have responded to me of late that something is different. So should I suggest a convo with my DB coach?

One other thing, I have a huge interview tomorrow that would change the landscape of my life if I am offered the job it is really stressing me out to try to decide what to do, any suggestions as to whom I can share my angst with other than W?

I want so badly for us to work this out, but I realize that I can not change her, I feel great with some of the changes that I have made but I am still so sad that my perfect family is in turmoil.... I pray that the Lord will soften her heart and allow our family to come from this pain and angst. Please pray with me that she will see herself out of this relationship with OM and hopefully try to R with the boys and I