WAW with a twist, she's asked me to move out!

[Istherehopeforme]

Hello. New to this site and this sitch.
Married for 15 yrs. W is a ACOA M.
S10 and D20 (from her 1st M - I adopted her when she was 16). D20 moved out of house almost a year ago.
Out of the blue on July 20 she askd me for S and for me to move out! Her reasoning was that since I travel a lot for business our son is used to having me not be around so much. She says she's not been happy for a couple of years.
Mid-Oct after veiled threat of D I finally moved out to a condo we own about 40 mins away nr beach where I am still living. Its very lonely and inconvenient.
We're still mostly cordial and try to keep things pleasant. We even do "nesting arrangements" where I come to stay at the house with S10. She often stays with a friend or sometimes is there as well (different Bdrm).
At end of this month a rental apart which we own becomes avail, 1 mile away from our house. I suggested to W that she considers moving into it and I move back to house as this would afford her the complete separation, ability to lead a discrete life if she wants. She could then stay in the house when I travel for business. She declined this offer for the sake of S10.
The question I am wrestling with is whether to make an ultimatum. If she wants separation then move into the condo down the street or I'll move back in and take the spare Bdrm. I've been to see a C about 10 times so far. She is going to see one for 1st time today. Right now I'm getting ILYBNILWY but she still wants to be friends and to have me in her life. She is making effort to go out with new friends (ones who I don't know). Said she has a "date" tomorrow night.
Here is my dilemma - do I give her an ultimatum? If you want S then you move into our 1 BR APT 1 mile down road and I'll move back in to house. She would still come to stay at house when I am traveling. Besides the probable degradation on pleasant relations w/W my worry is that this arrangement may be more disruptive for S10 - he is definitely closer w/W than me.
Otherwise plan is for me to move into the 1BR 1 mile away.
Trying to reach out for unbiased opinions.
Thank you in advance for taking time to read and respond.

Istherehopeforme

[houndfan]

Sorry you are here....

I am not sure that I can provide the insight for which you are looking, however, I can offer that I too am in a similar situation. My W asked me to move out after she started an EA with someone from work. She claims that the issues that I have brought to the marriage have contributed to these feelings for the OM but also that she needs to find herself and does not see life with me in it. On the other hand, she calls me all the time for various pieces of advice and to ask for different favors.

I am not sure what we are going to do, btu I do know that applying the DB methods seem to be working a little, but then there will be a change that is unexpected.

I hope that you can find peace in your situation and that this will be a limited arrangement for you.

[catfan]

Sorry you've had to come here but glad you did. Do not give her an ultimatum under any circumstances not unless your goal is divorce. If you give her an ultimatum you practically guarantee divorce. Why because giving an ultimatum is going to be viewed as a highly controlling action and the last thing a WAW wants is a controlling husband.

[AmyC]

Dang.
You are gettin' good catfan .


ITHFM ~ My advice would be to move back in and set up shop in the spare bedroom. Be nice, be respectful, don't cross her boundaries. Remember that you are separated but also know that it is far easier to DB from under the same roof. Further - and you'd REALLY have to GET THIS PART: You can't say a word - NOT ONE WORD - about what she does, unless it affects your son negatively. Otherwise, you have to zip it, bite your tongue and SMILE even if you feel like choking her. And you will. Oh, yes, you probably will feel like choking her at times.

Good luck.




AmyC

[catfan]

Amy I'm not sure that moving back in is the best thing for him to do. I think it'd come across as forcefully as an ultimatum. Moving closer to home shows independence, a desire to be near his family but no so close he's watching/spying and trying to control them.

It'd be interesting to find out the real reasons for her wanting him to move out. Traveling for business is a rather lame excuse.

[Was2sad]

The girls are giving some great input. This monster has many arms and legs, so there will be many things to consider as you plan your future.

Become the superior man and live the better life within the family home. Do not retreat from life's challenges. Let her make her mistakes. Let her clean up her mistakes. Be there for the kids and do not let anyone think you do not intend to stand and fight for your home and children first, you M second. With or without a M, you will always be a dad and deserve a family home.

Reality for her will be that men she meets will have concerns about dating a M woman seriously. It will become an obstacle to her she will want more and more to eliminate. When someone says they want out of the M, they should be ready walk the walk. If it comes to it, be humble and kind as you show her the door and put her on the curb. That is where reality begins and fantasy ends. Help her pack and move to the apt as she plans out her own future.

It is not practical to let her live alone in the home as if she were D, making it easy for her to imagine a D as a better option than the M ... and her getting to call all the shots. More and more women are filing, something like 70% of the cases today. A growing number are leaving kids with the H so they can "live free".

Life is not free. She must begin to understand her choices will have consequences. Her decisions will touch other lives, not just yours. If she finds the idea of living in the apt unacceptable, perhaps you should discuss mutually changing the nature of your investments to include two separate homes within the same school area; while she enjoys dating and planning her future.

Good luck in what may become a long journey. Your focus should not be just saving the M. If you loose yourself along the way, you loose regardless. Focus on living your best life as a person and parent, and a wonderful spouse if that is what she wants. Set your priorities before you accept your sacrifices.

[fish]

Sorry you are hear, yes it s*cks.

Since you have a son, my advice would be to crash in the apartment that is one mile away and let her stay in the house with your boy.

I am in a VERY similar situation, we separated on 9/29 and my wife lives in a VERY nice home with my daughter while I crash in my friend's fraternity house.

I have just started to embrace by new life, it's REALLY difficult.

If you want to stay married, I strongly suggest Michele's book and the last resort technique. It's most likely your only chance for saving the marriage.

I wish you all the best my friend.

[AmyC]

Amy I'm not sure that moving back in is the best thing for him to do. I think it'd come across as forcefully as an ultimatum. Moving closer to home shows independence, a desire to be near his family but no so close he's watching/spying and trying to control them.

It'd be interesting to find out the real reasons for her wanting him to move out. Traveling for business is a rather lame excuse.

She wants the separation she should have been the one to leave, not him. If he has the right attitude, he can undo this. It's iffy though, because of the obvious emotions.

Then again, maybe I've just become a hardass.

I'm sick of these women.

You know catfan...the ones like I used to be...

[catfan]

She wants the separation she should have been the one to leave, not him. If he has the right attitude, he can undo this. It's iffy though, because of the obvious emotions.

Then again, maybe I've just become a hardass.

I'm sick of these women.

You know catfan...the ones like I used to be...

Amy you may not recall but I moved out because I had a place to go. Yet she's the one that wanted the separation. So you know that I'm starting to have a shorter fuse with "these women" too.

I really feel the pain other guys are going through and wanting to move back home. In the end we want to be there taking care of, protecting and providing for our families. By being forced out it really comes across as we aren't worthy.

I've thought about just moving back in on a number of occasions and once I have really through it through completely I've come to the conclusion it isn't a good idea. All it will do is throw fuel on the fire and make matters worse. That's why I believe in the GAL bit that Michele stresses so much. It let's the WAW spouse know we don't need them, we might want them but we don't need them, we are self sufficient.

I firmly believe codependency is a huge issue with many divorces along with just taking each other for granted. You make yourself unavailable, appear self sufficient and you become more attractive because someone else won't have to care for you all the time. You are responsible!

But back to the original issue at hand, I still think he needs to show independence, but also show responsibility.

[LostInMN]

Advice please??

I left our house yesterday, thinking that I was doing our daughter a favor by eliminating her exposure to mom and dads frequent arguing. Now I feel I did the wrong thing, I don't want my daughter to be able to claim years down the road that dad walked out on them. Mom is the one wanting the divorce, daughter doesn't know that. Another reason I left was to give WAW the independence and all the trials and problems that it brings with. Some have said to get my ass back home, others say to give her her space if she wants it.

SO CONFUSED!!!!!